Dear Mia,

Dear Mia,
First of all, so good to see your name pop up again! I've missed your playful banter! Now to get down to why we're all here... your question "If you only had 48 hours to live, what would you do and whom with?"

The 'whom' is easy for me. My husband, children, a few close friends that are considered part of the family, and any of my immediate family that could get here in the next day or so. Family and friends have always been my priority. Well, almost always =) I'm not a saint! But if I only had two days left with them I'd want to take in as much of them as I could.

The 'what' is a little more complicated. I would guess that's probably the case for most of us, isn't it?! If money were no object I would love to take off with them all to some private island. Some place in the Caribbean. Blue waters, lush jungle, warm water... aaaah, heaven! We'd be able to sit around and talk... laugh while sharing stories, maybe open up about things that have always been taboo. Then there would be time to just play! Nothing like a good day of playing to lighten your heart. Since this is a private island I'm assuming there would be a great chef present... what's a wish if it can't be complete with good food?!

I would hope that I could leave them with the belief that I had few regrets in this life. It's funny you ask this because I've been watching the entire box set of Six Feet Under these past few days and so I've been think a lot of death and finality lately and I think that there's no perfect answer to all of this. No 'right' way to look at it. But I think that if I weren't able to do those things I've listed above hopefully I'm living my life now in a way that would be a good reflection of who I am long after I'm gone.

Thanks for the question Mia!
Mistress Auri

For Sale:One Husband (I make good price for you)

Disclaimer: Read this in a Russian accent.

For Sale. One Husband. Issa not so good around da house. Mmm, very good lover. Make a good baby, or three. Not very good at mowing the lawn in straight line. Is good interior design, not so good around the house. He vill put da clothes on da floor for ju but not in za basket. Like a good man should. He donna eat much so he no cost ju so much monies. But he shmokes a lot of the herbal cigarettes. He donna like feet in bed so he sleep on the couch leaving da bed for you, you lucky girl. Oh, and he use the same towel for a month so that's something, right? Oh, and he donna like the pooch, so no pooch please. You wanna the husband, please call me ASAP.

Thank you for your time.
Helga

Dear Mistress,

Let's turn the time over to you, my lovelies. I get asked so many questions these days (and honestly, I'm running out of brain juice to entertain you with) and I would love to be able to devote a blog post to each of your questions. I don't care what kind of questions they are... well, that's not to say I don't care, I just have no personal bias. Sex is always a fun one, gardening is second only to cooking and sex, questions about kids, relationship advice... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I'm also kind of interested to see what's on the minds of my friends and readers. I know what you all blog about but that doesn't necessarily mean that's what you're thinking about throughout the day. Some of you blog about your families exclusively (and although I'm sure you're great parents, there's probably more to you than that!)

So... here's your chance...

Let's play...

DEAR MISTRESS!

And while you're thinking of what to write to me... here's a little something for your naughty enjoyment=) Thank me later!

The Fabulous Flashing Phallic Earrings

I'm sure you're all wondering how the toy party went... It was FABULOUS!! But that's not really what this story's about. This story is about the earrings that I wore to the party. I wore the deliciously naughty flashing-penis earrings pictured above. Yes... that's right. You know you're jealous.
After the party I took them off and put them in my purse. Never thought much of it. Occasionally I'd open my purse to pull out my wallet or camera and get a little chuckle from the penis earrings residing comfortably (incognito) at the bottom of my bag.
Couple weeks go by and I take my badge out of my purse to start off my work day. I go through all the motions: Pick my patient from the board, get report from the off-going nurse at the nurse's station, then gather a few things together to go meet the new patient.
I had been in her room for a few minutes when it became apparent that we needed to turn her to her side. As I look down to rearrange her pillows what do I notice on her bed??
Yep... wait for it...

A FLASHING PENIS EARRING!!

The thoughts that came next gyrated around in my head for maybe a millisecond.

1. OH MY GOD
2. This patient has the same earrings as me
3. How the hell did one of my earrings get into my patients bed
4. Should I ask her if it's hers
5. Should I leave it there and pretend I didn't see it
6. How quickly can I pick it up and put it elsewhere before she or her husband realize I've just picked something up from the bed and put it in my pocket?
7. Stay calm, try to breathe, don't make any funny faces

After that little cacophony of thoughts I rapidly picked up the flashing penis earring and placed it on the desk behind the label maker and went about the rest of my care.

I totally forgot about it. (Yes, I'm that good of a nurse... BWAHAHA)

It wasn't until later on that night... oh let's say around the magical hour of 3 a.m. that we were all chatting and the realization came to me that the flashing penis earring was still sitting where I'd left it. So I darted up and out of my seat... ran to the room... and thankfully, it was still there. The patient had been out of the room for several hours as well in case you were wondering.

Of course all the girls wanted to know what I had to run away from the desk from. I don't know how they caught the entire story between my hysterical laughing and tears but somehow by the end of it all we were all cracking up. I want to know how in the hell that little sucker hitched a ride on my badge and went unnoticed all the way from me putting it on in the car to reaching my patients room?!! Help a sister out people! Really! No one notices a flashing penis earring?? I find that hard to believe!

I know I've said that I'm going to try and merge my Mistress Auri self with my work self... but I draw the line at leaving phallic accouterments in bed with my patients.

That's just taking things a bit too far if you ask me.

Here's to hoping you all have something fabulously humbling and/or embarrassing happen to YOU this week!

I'm here to kick your ass and seal it with a kiss...

I'm feeling like I've found my superhero picture! All I need is to digitally throw on a couple of spatula there in holsters and I'd have my masterpiece!!

Random Shit For Your Entertainment

This picture is from the Muse/ Silver Sun Pickups concert that we went to last night. Oooh, so good!! I've been a fan of both for a little while now and I have to say I was blown away by the show!! If you get the chance to go... doooit!!

I don't watch the news... and no, it's not because I'm an ignorant American... it's because it's fucking sad as shit. Seriously. I get enough of the news from my hubby (History prof. in the making) and my facebook updates from Huffington Post. I was pretty saddened to hear of yet another mine explosion taking more lives needlessly. We made it to the moon... why in god's name can't we figure out how to live on some other type of energy economically? Why? Because of rich, balding bastards... that's why. And yes, that's my official stand.

Speaking of that... I decided to get back into yoga today. Damn it was fantastic! All that breathing, stretching, and that gorgeous lean, black, muscly instructor we had. All I could think about was his fantastic ass and killer shoulders. I mean, all I was thinking about was my inner chi and outer karma, and worldly dharma... In all seriousness though, I bought myself a pass and can't wait to start going back on a regular basis. It's nice that my kids are finally to the point where I don't feel guilty leaving my hubby alone with them to have a little 'me' time. Something that doesn't involve the consumption of large quantities of alcohol or food. My core feels great, my once too tight yoga pants are falling off of my ass (smile) and life is good.

I think it's time to get my old 35 mm camera out of the drawer that houses such things as a Bible/Book of Mormon, Thomas Guide of Los Angeles, and my high school panoramic picture. Seems at this point the only thing of much use to me is the camera. Sure the Thomas Guide might come in use someday... the other stuff... well, always good props when you know who comes a callin'. =) Damn I'm being horribly sacrilegious today. Oh shwell.

I have a new recipe I need to write up for you lovelies. Cajun Shrimp and Cappellini... yummy, yummy. Like all of my own recipes I'll have to try my best to be detailed with amounts... but that's not how I cook so I'm counting on you not to fuck it up -k-.

I wish I had a darkroom. You know, those dark rooms people used to go into for the purpose of developing film. My senior year of high school I was a photographer for the year book and had an advanced photography class. Much time was spent in small corners of dark rooms for me. And not just because I was getting groped and sucking face. I was actually being productive. Although I have to admit that I still have steamy dreams about that red light accentuating certain curves of naughty deeds=) If you've never had the pleasure to be in a darkroom developing your own pictures you know that it's a spiritual experience. Watching the magic of creating a picture occurring in your hands transforms the way you look at photographs. Perhaps that's why people like Ansel Adams have the ability to mesmerize me. I've never looked at one of his prints and wondered what it looks like in color. All the contrast I could ever want exists on that paper. Every detail, all the smooth subtlety of each crevice and bending tree. See... I'm wrapped up already.

Good gracious... it's 7:12 already! Apparently the snow has decided to take a break for a few because the sun is shining and it's time for me to get my kidlets ready for bed.

Hey, by the way, your mother called and says she wants her massager back. Looks like it's time to go out and buy one of your own=)

xoxo
Me

Easter Bunnies, Three Headed Beasts, and ME!

Taryn is currently running around singing "Girls have a vagina, like meeeee. And boys have a penis like Daddy and TT and Aidaaaaan." How am I supposed to think of anything to blog about when she's so freaking hilarious!? I ask you?

I know I promised pictures... but do you think I've gotten them developed yet... nope. Just say it... I know I'm a slacker. You'll be pleased to know that I have been taking them though=) That's got to count for something!
Tip #1 for attempting to restart your bloggy life: Don't try to write a post while your 3 children are awake and vying for your attention. Can you spell c-o-u-n-t-e-r-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e? Well I can and it comes in the form of a three headed beast. One that hangs on your arm, the other that screams in your ear, and the third that's tearing apart your house while the other two attempt to drive you mad. I haven't lost my temper today. You should be proud.

So... what kind of food do you think I should serve at a toy party... pigs in a blanket, spotted dick, melons, or should I just stick to something a little less obvious like... Sushi! No? You're no fun I tell you! Fine... I'll keep it on the up and up... but only because you've made me!
Guess what I did today? (you're way off... stop while you're ahead)
#1... Started by taking the hubby to work with the kids (because we're a one car family and I had shit to do today). He's a ray of sunshine in the morning... let me tell ya! I figure I'm just lucky that he didn't start spouting fire from his nostrils in the car.
#2... Took said kids grocery shopping in their jammies because this is Utah and we're cool with things like that (thank god)


#3... Got the little hellraisers ready and took them BACK to dad's work for the Easter Egg hunt... because as my friend Sara says "The Easter Bunny comes on Saturday so Jesus can come on Sunday"... I don't know why but that little saying makes me want to laugh hysterically. They had lots of fun... got a shitload of candy which is already gone... and are now all bouncing around the house complaining that their stomachs hurt=( Oh the rough life...

#4... Began a whole tray of peat moss seed starters which I planted with fine grade pot. (no not really) I actually planted spearmint and if you've ever planted spearmint you'll know that I'm not lying when I tell you I had to plant the seeds with a pair of tweezers. I'm a little surprised how focused I was considering I worked last night and still hadn't slept at this point. I'll be sure to take pics of my little lovelies... (which you'll probably never see unless I get my ass moving and develop some damn film!)

#5... Took a delightful nap with daughter Taryn. Or at least I slept... remember that three headed beast... the one that tears your house down around you?... pretty sure that was her while I was sleeping. My children are devious and lovely all in the same breath. Wherever do they get it?

#6... Sat myself down here at ye' ole' laptop to write to all of you.

So there.
Time to make some dinner... wanna come over? I'll wear my cute green flowery apron and I promise to find something to do with the spatula.

Yours Always,
Mistress A

Yes... that's my ass next to Robert Pattinson

Howdy Chowdy...

What's been going on lately? Yes, you... no answer? You mean you want me to ramble on aimlessly about what I'VE been doing?

Well ok... if you insist=)
So I've taken up photography (again) with film. "Mistress," you ask "what in the name of all that is holy... is film?" To which I reply that you are lovely dear but a complete ignoramus if you can't remember what that gold within the canister is. Are you so techno savvy that you don't remember where it is you came from? Shame! Well, anyway... yes, I've been taking lots and lots of pictures lately. If you're good monkeys I will develop (that's how you turn the canister into pictures) my little jewels and share them with you all. Because I'm sure you'll be very entertained=)

I've been preparing my garden for planting. Living in the land of the Salty Lake means that I have to wait for a bit to get started on my planting... but never fear... the harvest was plentiful last year and I'm doubling my gardening area this year so I'm sure I'll have plenty for you all to come over and eat some night. I know you're sooo excited...

My endeavors as the sex therapist of Labor and Delivery have expanded. I've decided to host a 'Slumber Party' with a nursie friend of mine at the end of April. And no, not the "bras and panties and pillows" kind of slumber party; this is the adult toy party type of gig. I thought it would be a blast to do that with all of my work friends... why not? You can come as my guest if you'd like... because I'm a good Mistress like that.

My brief but torrid affair with FaceBook is slowly coming to a cruising altitude status. Perhaps I have some type of AADD? New, shiny things tend to distract me from my old faves. How the hell am I still married? (When window shopping is just so fun) What does this mean to you? Well, it means that perhaps I'll be back over here in the land of bloggy more. And won't that just be a lovely little cup o' tea for all of us? I miss my bloggy buddies like Gorilla Bananas, Red Whine, Condi's Hair, Cooking Asshole, and all the rest of ya's. Really! I do=) Are you touched yet? You should be!
I also feel a naughty short coming on. For those of you new to my world, a naughty short is what I call a hot and bothered type of short story. Just enough to leave you with goose bumps but definitely not worthy of my fave vamp novelist, J.R. Ward. Damn I love that woman. Anyone who can write like that, make me feel like this, and make a shitload of money doing it is alright by me. WHAT!? You haven't the foggiest who she is?! For shame!! Go, now and check her out. (You're not doing it... I'll remember that later.)

Perhaps after my little Toy Party I'll write a Toy Review? I promise this time I'll do a little homework before purchasing the toy. Unlike last time. Man, what a rookie mistake. Hey... I'm only human. I think I'll plan ahead on that one and take lots of pics to commemorate the party. Deal?

And on that note. I'm sitting here listening to "Since I've Been Loving You" (and I'm not telling you who sings it because you should know ) and looking at my empty bottle of Rogue's Hazelnut Brown Ale and I'm thinking that with all its ups and downs life is pretty damn good. My kids are feisty, independent, fiercely loyal, and loving... My dad is close by, talented, loving, and a wonderful grandpa, My husband drives me crazy, drives me wild, and drives me to drink but at least he drives me. So ya, things are pretty good. And as long as I have all of you who listen to me from time to time I think I might just be okay=)

Mwah!

Sleep tight...don't let the Mistress bite!

xoxo

A little peek at my dad's book...

For those of you who don't know... my pops is a professional photographer and has been working on a book for about a year now. The other day we went up the canyon to shoot a few more pics to wrap things up...

Check them out=)

Beanie Cap Guy

xoxo

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A