Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Waterproof Prostate Massager (Toy Reviews, Edition 2)

So here it is... the second edition of Mistress Auri and Miss Salti's Toy Reviews...

Mistress Auri, here. I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for this little thing so try to calm yourself a ... it will be okay.

Our friend above here is called the Waterproof Prostate Massager. Can I tell you why this makes me laugh like an old woman? Because I had no idea whatsoever that it was meant for the prostate... which for those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful male anatomy would be the small gland located inside of their anus that when massaged is somewhat more intense (or so I'm told) than our g-spot. Not having a prostate myself, I think the comparison is sketchy and sounds like something a man would say. When I bought this little toy there was nothing on the packaging about a prostate... NADA! You can imagine that it's good for the g-spot too though... so that's what I found it useful for. It's not very pretty to look at... kinda makes you feel like you're plunging yourself with a metal pipe... but I guess if you're into that it might be just what you're looking for?! I however like things that are a little more soft, gentle, and look more sexy when being used. It's waterproof so by all means take it in the shower or tub and let loose! The batteries seem to last for quite a while (however we've established that maybe I'm not the best judge of this since everyone around me seems to change their batteries every couple of weeks and mine last years!) If you're thinking of getting this for your man... might I suggest THE TALK first? "What talk would that be Mistress," you ask... well dear... that would be the doyoulikeituptheass talk. And if you can't have the talk then perhaps this toy (in its intended use) is a little advanced for you. There are plenty of lubes to accompany such a toy...
For those burly "ofcourseIdon'tlikeituptheass" men. Doc Johnson's Man Grease. A good lube with a humorous package to 'ease' you into the moment.
And don't forget Mr. Marcus' Booty Butter... how could I not choose this? Look at the name... sometimes it's all in the presentation...

And last but certainly not least...
Adam and Eve is a great site (like I've said before) and when they put out a lube... you listen.

And again for those of you who are all about the numbers game...

Ease of Use:
4/5

Durability:
3/5

'O' Factor:
3/5

Price:
5/5

That gives our little Toy a 15/20... Not as good as the i-vibe... but good enough to get the job done well and it doesn't sound like a lawnmower... that's a good thing by the way.

So, venture forth...
find a good lube...
strike up a wicked hot bath...

And let the games begin...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ms. Salti over here... Apparently I'm supposed to do a review, mention how it relates to Megan Fox and include a tres sexy picture of her with it. How in the HELL am I supposed to do that? I'm not sure either... so strap on your strap-ons (that will forever be my favorite line) cuz we're goin' for a ride!
So, I'm not sure exactly why in some realms of the adult toy industry this fantastic little piece of machinery is referred to as a prostate massager. Better yet, I'm not sure why the one Auri owns was packaged as such because I have a very similar one that was labeled as a G-Spot stimluator. (And you'll be interested to know that as I was typing "stimulator" my fingers slipped - get your minds out of the gutter - and typed something random like 'sty9lskhu' because they got very excited.)

Moving right along... If you're looking for a G-spot stimulator that is softer and/or prettier than the one shown above, then this is the toy for you! The one above is called the Pinks Bombay G-Spot Vibrator.

I bought this little gem a little over a year ago, and after the first time I used it, I decided I was never leaving the house again. Too bad I had to go to work and try to lead a normal life. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the toy is actually a plain old vibrator covered in a textured silicone sleeve. I've always just left the sleeve on so I can't speak to it's function as a regular vibrator. But believe me, with the sleeve on, you'll be a very happy camper!

Girls, if you've never found your g-spot on your own, first, shame on you, second, go buy one of these toys. If you can't find your g-spot using this, then I would consider the fact that maybe you just don't have one. And make an appointment with your gyno.

Men, if you've never found your woman's g-spot, first, double shame on you, second, have her use this fantastic little toy and show you where it is. And once you've found it, don't leave.The only two things (and they're related) that I don't like about this are 1) the on/off is a button at the base of the toy, and 2) there are only 3 speeds. I prefer the turn-knobs as they're easier to operate when you're all hot and bothered and they generally offer more range in vibration.

Overall rating of this toy: 16/20

Ease of use - 3/5
Durability - 4/5
O factor - 5/5
Price - 4/5

If you're looking for a new toy, and want to expand your horizons, this is the one you want! I bet even Megan Fox has one...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Giardia (or La Guardia as my hubby calls it)


This, my friends, is the little bastard that has assumably been riding shotgun in my intestines for the last five days. Yes, you heard me right, FIVE DAYS!
I'm going to cry.
I didn't even get to take a fabulous vacay to Mexico where all Americans go to get said intestinal bug (usually). That, I could live with. Then I would have a kick-ass story to go along with the kick-ass 'other stuff'... let's face it... when it comes to sex I can divulge all the deets. However, when it comes to bodily functions I may be a nurse but this is not the outlet for that type of self expression. At least not today.
Come back tomorrow... I may change my mind. What!? It's been known to happen!

Funny story came out of all of it though... once again your favorite Mistress is going to turn a horribly embarrassing story into something very funny because therapy is expensive and blogging is free.


I head in to work knowing that I'm not feeling the best but I can handle it because I'm used to my guts being naughty. I was born broken, boo hoo. Anyway... back to the story. Round about the middle of the night things start to get really ugly.

REALLY UGLY

Instead of just the 'sit downs' (we'll call them) I start getting a little queasy so I think to myself "no big deal, I'll just eat a little rice and take it easy."

*EVIL LAUGH FROM BUG ABOVE*

I dart to the locker room thinking I'm going to lose it... false alarm. I just kneel there and pant for a few seconds. I think I just got cold feet because I didn't take a towel in the bathroom to sit on and I have issues with public restrooms... eeew.
So... few minutes go by... my sweet co workers are looking at me like I might implode at any moment- which is pretty accurate given the state of my intestinal tract and the evil passenger I have that's eating away the lining of my body and replacing it with mad amounts of inappropriate gas. (If this is your first time here... I'm always full of too much information so you have my permission to leave anytime).

*EVIL CACKLE FROM BUG ABOVE, DOWN BELOW*

I know this is it... I'm officially going down at work. How freaking embarrassing! So I grab a blanket and dart back into the ladies.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

LITERALLY

You know how you hear people talking about the spins. Usually happens when they've been drinking, right?! Well, I hadn't fucking been to Mexico, hadn't fucking been drinking, and I had the spins!! Then I get a case of the old ladies (hot flash) so I proceed to rip all my clothes off. Which would have been easier if I hadn't been such an idiot and worn a long sleeve body suit to work that day.

So, naked little me, not sure which direction is up, trying to put the blanket on the floor because god forbid I pass out on the floor on my bare skin!! (please say you're laughing now otherwise it's just pathetic)

Thankfully it gets better... Eventually I fell asleep and woke up able to discern my ass from a tea cup and a girl I work with drove me home.

How do I get myself into these situations?!

Oh ya... did I mention that was my New Year's Eve? So, how was yours?? =)
Much love,
Mistress Auri