Mi Casa Es Su Casa...

Welcome my lovelies!
As you walk through my front door you'll notice the little sign above the kitchen door which reads "Mi Casa Es Su Casa" (translation: my house is your house).
So, without further adieu... take your shoes of and come on in!

Just to your right there is our little sitting area/laptop nook. This is where I sit and read all of your clever blogs while I look out that window and am grateful that I'm in here and not out there on hot days like today!!
Yes, it's a little messy...
Yes, that's a Passion Iced Tea from Starbucks...
Yes, that's a lava lamp...

Straight through the doorway is my itsy bitsy kitchen where I will create for you an exquisite masterpiece... I don't often use cookbooks but the few I happen to have are in boxes right now because we have mold abatement going on in the basement... long story.
But no worries! The air is clean and my kitchen is always open.
Perhaps I'll make you the squash penne I referred to in this post? Or, if squash isn't your thing I can whip up a little homemade marinara... Ms. Salti has been kind enough to give you all that recipe!

Due to my lack of cupboard space... or my ever increasing amount of kitchen paraphernalia... I have a wire rack in the kitchen with all of my tools, spices, entertaining dishes, bake ware, the bread-maker is on the bottom (don't tell anyone I use it!).

Where are my manners?! Let me get you something to drink... I have to admit I'm a little cleaned out after the bachelorette party I just attended. I would not recommend drinking the cooking vermouth. Patron happens to be my favorite but I also have some beer in the fridge along with a healthy supply of SoBes.

Here's the garden where I'll be picking some of our veggies for dinner tonight. Maybe you'd like to go and commune with the honeybees?
Hey... enough Patron and I'll commune with anything you put in front of me!

Or maybe you'd like to have a sit on my favorite swing under our large Catalpa tree? The shade cools things off nicely.

If you're like me you like to put on a little music while cooking... and if you can't find something in our collection then you don't like music. This is just the CD collection too... the records are on the floor. I didn't take a picture of those!
Here are some of my faves...

Recognize anything you like?
no? Too bad... you can leave now;)
hahahaha... just kidding... I'm bad at picking favorite music and movies! I have a lot!!

Now that dinner is ready let's throw on a movie while we eat. Here are a few I thought you might like...


I tried to pick a little something for everyone... it's so hard to please people these days!! Picky, picky=)

All of my books are in boxes as well (mold abatement) but if you look to the right of my blog there... down a bit... you'll see my book montage with a list of a few of the things I've read. I've conveniently left out all of the ever boring books that make me look as smart as I am. You don't need me to tell you that. Only dull people brag about how intelligent they are by showing off with their old college books;) tee hee hee . Nothing but love!
Someday I will take a picture of my bookshelf when it is back up and running.

Well... I hope you've enjoyed your evening as my guest. I enjoyed having you.
Stop by again sometime!!

Summer Lovin'

It was going to be a long summer. Of that she was sure. She took the long plane ride Southeast to Florida to be with her dad for several weeks. She always enjoyed the summers with her dad but the older she got the more she missed the time away from her friends, boyfriends, and the creature comforts that the home of her mother afforded her.

It was muggy when she landed, no shit. When wasn't it muggy and hot during a Florida summer? At 3 o'clock sharp each day the skies would open up and the large Romanesque clouds would roll in off of the Atlantic and drop their payload above the sleepy town of West Palm Beach.

Renee had finally grown into her body this year. She wasn't a late bloomer by any stretch of the imagination but being 2 years younger than everyone she knew made it seem that way. She was a little taller than average, slender build, with curvy boobs and a small, round ass that she loved to admire in the mirror in her favorite pair of Levis 501's. Her hair was long, chocolate brown with sun kissed highlights around the crown of her face.

The few trips that they had taken to the beach were fruitless. She thought they would be bustling with young surfers (her favorite brand of naughty) but instead they were peppered with the occasional retiree and middle aged tourist. For the love of God! Her hormones were going to bust out of this new body of hers and she had nobody to share them with. All she longed for was someone to hold the small of her back while they kissed her earlobes. She laid on her straw mat in the hot sun and rested her fingertips in the sand. As it tickled the insides of her fingers her thighs began to sweat and she couldn't help but think of him.

The boy she left at home was ever present for Renee. She would put on her chap stick and taste his plump lips on her tongue. As her fingers straightened the straps of her bra she could feel his rough hands gently pulling them off her shoulders as he whispered in her ear. There was never a moment she would touch her own body that his shadow was not there mirroring her actions.

This was unbearable! She had to find a distraction or the sand was going to turn into a plate of glass beneath her.

Luckily her dad decided that they would go on a road trip to visit some friends of the family for the fourth of July. It wasn't exactly the distraction she had in mind but she was sure that a road trip would be better than lying in the sun all day staring at her half-naked, oily body. It just reminded her of how badly she wanted those rough hands caressing her.

Upon their arrival she was surprised to find not only their friends but several other families that she had not expected... new faces. Good looking, young faces.
John was the first to catch her eye. He was tall, muscular, light brown skin, and incredible green eyes that immediately left a red glow on her cheeks that would remain for the rest of the trip. The other was Ben. Sweet farm boy with all American features and a tall slender build.

Immediately Ben was in his element taking Renee horseback riding and hiking. They walked for hours around the property not talking much but enjoying each other's company. That evening they sat on the porch and John cam to sit next to Renee. He easily joined in the conversation and captivated her attention for the rest of the night.

After Ben had gone home they moved down to the fire pit to talk a little more. He noticed that she had gotten cold and moved closer to her. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders without any effort she nestled into his muscular chest and took a deep breath of his intoxicating smell. Her thoughts started to cloud over and her breathing grew heavy. He traced the line of her jaw. He told her that she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. He asked if he could kiss her lips as his breath brushed across her forehead. The words could not escape her mouth but she was drawn to him.

She straddled his lap, kissing him slowly and deliberately. Careful not to miss out on the details of his perfect mouth. His hands moved to cup her ass (good boy) and pulled every inch of her body that much closer to his. Her lips left his only to wander over to the earlobe of his left ear. First just a kiss, then she held it gently between her lips as the tip of her tongue caressed it. His breathing quickened underneath her -knowing that she could cause such a reaction in him- so she moved down his neck and repeated the dance on the opposite side.

John's hands moved from her lower back up her shirt and traced the curvature of her spine. A move that drover her wild and instantly sent goose bumps across her body. He reached up and grabbed her ponytail, gently tugging backward on it to reveal her neck and soft cleavage. Each kiss left her breath more shallow, yearning for something more. Her hips began to move gradually and he matched her movement as his hands pulled her down with firm pressure upon his lap.
With one hand on her hip and one tangled in her now free hair he pulled her soft lips back to his once more as she felt a soft sigh escape his lips.

Dawn was coming over the forested hills and lighting the lake next to them. John wished that he had his suit so they could go for a swim. Without a second thought she walked onto the dock and shed the clothes that she'd been so longing to for hours now. He gazed at her beauty as she dove into the cool water. He sat at the end of the dock with his feet in the water as she let her cold nipples tickle his shins.

When she was ready to get out he wrapped her in a towel and kissed her more passionately than she had ever been kissed before or would ever be for years to come.

My Little Yellow Crooky Bastards and a Recipe!

I started out my veggie garden by tilling almost half of the grass in the back yard. You should have seen my dad, Trent, and I all out there with this big ass tiller digging up grass that had probably been there since the house was built in 1941.

I was sore for the next week.

My dad suggested black plastic but the people at Home Depot swore they didn't have any (which I later found out they did... that's another story) and so we went with the 30 year guarantee weed cloth and covered the soil. I started out small. 3 tomatoes (cherry, Roma, and some variety that is supposed to be in a pot), 2 burpless cucumbers, 1 green bell pepper, 2 yellow squash and 1 yellow crookneck squash, 1 butternut squash, and 1 watermelon.

The bastard snails took the watermelon, butternut squash, 1 yellow squash, and a cucumber... but at that point I decided to get smart and pull out the snail bait. The large bowls of beer just weren't killing enough for my needs. We had a major invasion going on. Did I mention that my neighbors to the back killed my amazing mature green seedless grapes? If I did, I'm mentioning it again because it sucks and I'm still pissed and no I haven't talked to them about it yet because I'm still afraid I might cry.

So... The tomatoes are massive. I decided not to stake them up but they're going crazy and as of yet I've only had a handful of little cherries ripen. I ate them this morning without taking a pic first. They were incredible. Full of rich peppery flavor. So salty. Still warm and firm to the bite. Oh lord I'm salivating just thinking about them.

The first bell pepper left something to be desired... I've never had a pepper with tough skin before out of a garden so I'm not sure what's happening there. I guess I'll have to visit the garden god at the local store.

We ate the cucumber sliced up with dinner the other night. I drizzled it with lime juice and sprinkled a little kosher salt on top. Soooo tasty. I've heard you can add things to the soil with cucumbers to make them even more flavorful... any thoughts? Guess I have some homework to do.

The squash are by far my little gems of the garden this year. Since the picture here I've pulled 20 more out of the garden all as lovely as the first. Some people let them grow too big and they lose all of their flavor and get too fibrous. I like to pick them a little on the small side. So far I've had the best luck with my summer pasta:

2 yellow crook neck squash
1 zucchini
1 sweet onion (vidalia if available)
several cloves of garlic sliced thin
2 cups of cubed fresh banana squash
1/4 cup or so of EV Olive oil
S&P to taste
1/4 tsp Nutmeg
1 box Penne pasta

Slice all fresh ingredients in large pan before turning on the stove. Add oil over top. Turn to med-hi heat and lightly toss veggies to coat with oil. Add salt, pepper and nutmeg. Toss again to coat. Do not molest veggies too often or they'll fall apart. Leave lid on for the first 5 minutes. The banana squash needs a little steaming in the beginning to soften. You'll want to cook it all about 15 minutes until the veggies are soft and soaking up the olive oil. Keep an eye on the bottom squash in the pan as they tend to brown. You may need to turn your heat down a little depending on your stove. When the veggies are about done put your water on to boil. Add a little salt and EV Olive oil to pasta water. Boil penne about 11 minutes until al dente or firm to the bite. Strain but do not rinse or shake all of the water out of the strainer. Return Penne to bowl and add veggies to pasta mixing gently. Serve with healthy amount of fresh parmiggiano reggiano grated on top and there you have it!

It's a nice sweet pasta. Definitely light and summery. Lots of fresh ingredients and super fast to throw together. Let me know if you try it out!

Don't forget to read the previous post for my Mistress Spatula Contest!

Mistress A

The Smack-alicious Spatch-tacular Mistress Spatula Giveaway!

Good day Naughties...

Yes, I've been a bad bloggy monkey lately. Outside playing in the garden. They take even more work than this damned dirty blog does. What the fuck was I thinking starting a garden and a blog all in the same year?

Anyway,
on to the contest...

One lucky winner will receive a personalized Pink Spatula from Mistress Auri Inc. for doing the following:

Write your very own naughty little story including said spatula...

Think it sounds easy? tsk tsk.

Okay then... Start writing... all you readers in the shadows... yes, I know who you are, I know you're there, and I know where you sleep (yes, that was creepy, I'm sorry). I want you all to write me your little stories. I like naughty stories but they don't have to be any particular brand of naughty... if you make my Passion iced tea sprout out of my nose because I start laughing so hard... I will consider you as well.

There you have it...

Submit all stories to:

auri.wann@gmail.com

I will gladly, proudly, fanatically, post the winner on my blog in a special post of their own when I have received all the stories and decided who to crown.

"Auri" you say... "this is so biased"... "you are an unfair judge and will surely pick Ms. Salti since she is your heterosexual life partner or Mr. Gorilla Bananas since you have told us all that his blog is one of your favorites"... Rubbish darlings! I give all players in this little game a fair chance. Plus, I made the game... I'm providing the booty... I make the rules. And as my favorite saying goes:

"Put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

Now... go and win yourself (or your sassy Asian wife) a spatula!!

Toe Bling, Entourage, and What's Next...

I've been enjoying the outdoors lately so I've just been playing catch up today on your lovely blogs. You all are a funny bunch of characters! Ms. Salti and I have been going way overboard on the toe bling lately. No, this is not black... it's some deep dark plum color (I'm bad with the clever names OPI uses... ask her what it is) that I can't stop wearing. I love it. That's Season 5 of Entourage in the background of the very out of focus picture there. I've never watched the show on TV because we don't have HBO but Erica always provides the DVDs for me. This was a record... I watched season 5 in 3 days... remember I have a life? I love that show. Too fucking funny. If you haven't watched it and you enjoy good writing, naughty humor, and a little Hollywood drama... it's a good one to check out.

So... what to expect from Mistress Auri...

#1 Ms. Salti and Mistress Auri write toy reviews...
We are going to review what we have (which is a lot)... if you'd like to donate to the collection we are taking new (that's never before used, gifted in the original packaging) toys that you would like our opinion on because you are leery of trying them yourself. If you don't want to gift them to us because you are cheap you might ask nicely and we may purchase them because we are curious ourselves... but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. =)

#2 The First Ever Mistress Auri - Spatula Giveaway!!

That's right... I started out as Mistress Spatula and in an upcoming post you'll learn how one lucky reader will win my original pink spatula! Oh believe me... you'll have to work for it...

# 3 My very first harvest from the very first veggie garden in our very first house!!
I know, you can hardly contain your excitement. Well, I can't and it's my blog so that's really all that matters. Sorry, feisty today. I'm blaming it on the hormones. All of my patients do so why can't I? I'll be sure to take pics of the little lovelies and write all about them.

More to come... =)

My Honest Scrap Smells Like Roses! (honest)

My sexy bloggy friend over at Confessionsofasocialwhore, Mia Dickinson, tagged me and left me the Honest Scrap award. Thanks Mia! You're a peach. Which means you're lovely (just in case it means something not so complimentary over there in the land of Your Majesty).

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Just like to point out that Mia did not tell me that I got the award... which is usually not an issue since I'm stuck like glue to her fab blog... but... I got distracted by the lack of sleep and work schedule and happened to miss the one post in which I was mentioned. The story of my life. Oh well... I've made up for it now.

On with the honest scrap...
#1- I don't have any anal toys and I won't ever unless someone purchases one for me and then I swear I will never use it.

#2- I once had the opportunity during spring break in San Diego with Ms. Salti (when I was 17) to have sex with a gorgeous, extremely well endowed, black man and I chickened out because he was so big. Hello! I was still fairly naive and had no clue how that would work with this.

#3- I am now reading the Twilight series for the third time. I can't stop. It's like an addictive drug and I don't want to stop either. I'm almost embarrassed about it... but not quite (depends on who I'm talking to). It's all Ms. Salti's fault. Were it not for her prodding I wouldn't have gone to see the movie in the first place, never would have purchased the books, never would have gotten obsessed. It's a sickness. Please don't judge me. I judge myself (and my husband gives me shit enough for all of you, I promise).

#4- I have a total crush on Megan Fox. You know, the chick from Transformers. We just went to see the movie yesterday and I think she's officially on my "I'm not a Lesbian but if she were to ask me to be I might have to apologize to my husband and jump ship" list. Wow. I'm at a loss for words.

#5- On our first road trip together hubby and I had sex at just about every rest stop from here to Seattle. We can recommend our favorite to anyone caring to recreate the journey.

#6- There's a dark side of me that wants to yell obscenities and kick the shit out of random people being assholes.

#7- I have lived in Italy twice. Once when I was a baby for about a year and a half. The last was for several months while I was 17 and I got to hang out on the set of U-571 where my dad was working on the set.

#8- I have some cellulite on my ass. Fuck you, don't laugh.

#9- I have better orgasms than you do... (if you'd care to argue I dare you to prove it)

#10- I just put out multiple large bowls of beer. For the snails. Not to be kind. If you've missed previous posts you have missed that I tried to be nice before by collecting them and putting them in a little terrarium in the house but now it's war. They're eating everything in my garden and I'm pissed! I hope they enjoy getting sloshed before they die.

Okay... now to tagging others. 10 people is kind of a lot. Hmmm...

1. Jana- She's kind of new to the world of blogging and I can't wait to hear some of her honest scrap.
2. Sarcastically Bitter- A lovely nurse up in Canada... bet she's got some scrap up her sleeve.
3. Mr. Condescending- He's just beyond honest all the time anyway... but hell... let's see what he'll come up with.
4. Becoming Kate- She has plenty of stories and some crazy life experiences... tell us some more hun!
5. In the Head of Em- I've been there once or twice... maybe you'll be lucky enough to get inside?
6.The Trainwreck Chronicles- She's wicked, she's funny... she's also a bigshot now... so let's see if she really responds.
7.Noelle- Can you handle the truth from a 5th grade teacher? They're scary when they take their hair down...

Okay... that's all I've got. The other people either have already gotten this or don't post stuff like this on their blogs...

We love you Mikey... oh yes we do...

We've been watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe for a long time around our house and I just realized that I've never actually posted about him. Shame. Forgive me. So... in honor of my first post about the beloved Mike Rowe and this fantastic show I thought I would pick a clip that not only shows the beauty of what Mike gets to do but also combines a little of what I get to do (okay, that's a bit of a stretch... but you'll see what I mean).

There's nothing better than a well educated man with a sense of humor that doesn't mind getting dirty who cleans up well afterward. Scrumptious! The kids were referring to him as 'Mommy's guy' for a while because we watched the show so much... that kind of pissed my husband off a little. I had to have a talk with the kids about only calling Mike Rowe that when daddy was at work... otherwise daddy might not be so happy about us watching Dirty Jobs so often. The kids were very understanding. I now get them to help out with jobs around the house by starting out with "this is just like that job that Mike Rowe does on Dirty Jobs!" It works every time!


And as for the sweet male farmer commenting on whether or not the cow felt pain or not...

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN BIRTH MY FRIEND? BECAUSE NO AMOUNT OF ENDORPHINS, NATURAL OR MAN MADE CAN DULL THAT PAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE AN EPIDURAL!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I know he was only trying to seem like he knew how the cow felt. But did she look like she was having a good time? Did you see the way she was mooing? I'm no cow whisperer... but I'd like to think that giving birth as a mammal is a pretty universal experience. Just saying.

By the way... a month or so ago my patient's dad offered to have me come and help out with the calving season on their ranch. I wanted to go do it so badly! Couldn't you just see me?! A cow midwife=) All dressed up in my Dickie's, hair in a little bandanna, and just about as happy as a pig in shit! Too bad I never got his phone number. That would have been a blast!

Anyway. Hope you're not too badly damaged by the video. I know how the picture of the placenta affected some of you (snicker, snicker).

"Now let's get ready, to get dirty!"