The Professor

She wandered around the university looking for her next class, "something- methods..." she thought to herself wondering where on God's green earth building 'F' could be.  Upon finding her class she was relieved to see that there were still spots available on the front row. You wouldn't call her an ass-kisser but she liked to make eye contact with the professor and sitting in the back was always so distracting. Sally Bimbo twirling her hair here, Jeffrey Jock rubbing his thighs there. Pulling a notebook and pen from her bag she scanned the room to see who she would be spending the next couple of months with. Same group of idiots she had been avoiding in the previous two classes. "Honestly" she thought, "why do they even bother showing up". 1030 on the dot - a handsome middle aged man in a tweed coat walks into the lecture hall from the rear. He had 'Professor' written all over his worn leather bag, loafers, and faded jeans. His dark hair was kept short and just a hint of grey peeked through at his temples. He smelled like old books and aftershave as he walked past her to place his bag on the table. Immediately she felt her cheeks flush and a twinge of warmth between her thighs. She regretted being in the front of the class immediately and wondered if there were any spaces in the back. Flipping around she found that the room had filled up quickly (of course).

The Professor introduced himself briefly and while doing so made eye contact with a select few students around the room. As his eyes came to fall upon her his speech started to slow. His breathing became a bit more noticeable. She couldn't look away. His lips parted and all she noticed was the way he'd wet his lower lip with the tip of his tongue after he'd been speaking for a while. Noted as well were the slow strokes that his forefinger made along the handle of his mug as he looked down at the floor where her feet were crossed at the ankles. Her eyes  traced the strong line of his jaw down along the 'V' of his collared shirt. Just a little hair at the juncture. How could she not close her eyes momentarily and dream about the expanse of his chest against her hands, lips, breasts? Her breath caught -attracting the attention of several around her. She coughed a bit hoping to hide the sound that had just escaped her lips. Of course she had caught his attention as well... his gaze intensified.

He walked over to the table and sat his coffee mug down. He straddled the edge of the small desk addressing the class with a warm yet smug air that read "I'm much smarter than you but I'd still like to invite you back to my office after and tear your clothes off". Maybe she was projecting that last part. As he spoke he rocked gently side to side on the corner of the desk.  Perhaps only noticeable to her secondary to the fact that he was seated directly in front of her and his belt was at her eye-line.  Maybe it had more to do with the way she could not stop thinking about parting her knees and allowing him to crawl between them and nuzzle her tiny, mesh thong to the side with his nose.

Beads of perspiration welled between her breasts as the daydream enshrouded her mind. All of a sudden The Professor stood and thanked the class for attending and excused them. Had an hour passed already? As she put her unused notebook and pen away she could see him gathering his things together.  The class began filing out and being at the front of the class she was now among the last to leave. She could not imagine trying to concentrate for the rest of the semester and began to leave the room with an unrequited feeling of desire. A slight wind ran up the back of her neck making her hair stand on end. As she reached up to quiet the aroused hair follicles The Professor reached for her hand and pulled her back into the room with him!

His lips found hers immediately. Her eyes closed as she was consumed by the feel of his large lower lip between her teeth. He tasted so incredibly good! He traced his lips along her neck now and up to her earlobe. Immediately she wanted more of him. All of him...

To Be Continued...

The Life and Death of A Good Toy

Several months ago while 'The Girls' and I were eating sushi at Yellow Fin, our new fave spot, the topic of toys came up.  And no friend, I am not referring to your kid's toys that you're constantly cleaning up off of the floor.  We're talking about sex toys here, people.  OF COURSE I brought up my old trusty Pocket Rocket that's been a staple in my night stand for umpteen-bazillion years.  Why wouldn't I?  It was actually a sad convo because my old pal had finally bit the dust some time back... but might I add that the champ waited until after I was 'done' to kick the bucket.  See!! What other toy would be so sweet as to wait until you were done? I bet yours is rude.  Anyway... I had a little moment of silence as I tossed it into the garbage (in the laundry room) to go fill up the local landfill (where all good toys go to die).  Some of the girls present at dinner that night had never had the chance to read my editorials on this particular toy or my rant on all toys in general.

After a long and very detailed description of the what, why, how (which I'm sure all the sexy employees were privy to)- we decided to go for a little shopping trip.  Big thanks to Doc Johns for staying open late enough that ladies out looking for a good time can swing by whenever the mood strikes them!  After looking at all of the cheap lingerie, leather studded paddles (Girls had just read Fifty Shades), and lube, we got to the wall I was looking for.  There it was!  So we ALL bought one that night (granted not all in the same color... which is important because Brooke thinks her black one is better than my white one)... $48 something later I walked out of the shop with my little black bag... anxious to get home and take it for a drive!
Let's just say that all was right once more in Casa De Mistress.  I promptly texted one of my buddies just to elaborate on how wonderful the experience was... of course... what else do YOU do after a good 'O'?

So let's skip forward a month or two to the next 'Girls Night' at the same lovely booth in the same lovely sushi spot.  Would you believe that the subject of toys came up again? (if you were asleep in the first paragraph that would be sex toys, you naughty monkey, you)  I know, you're shocked.  Contain yourself.  We had one or two different girls there with us and I am proud to announce that I didn't have to say one thing about my little Pocket Rocket because the other girls couldn't stop singing its praises! No Lie!!  We would all break out in fits of the giggles now and then because we were so excited to talk about how great the orgasms were with it!  I felt a little like I do after one of my minion does well on a math test or after I've changed some random fluid in my car...PROUD!  And also very excited that I could share something that made my friends happy.  Because no matter how naughty this Mistress might be now and then... I'm still just a down-to-earth kinda girl who wants to spread a little love...

Until next time...

Mistress Auri

The Fabulous Flashing Phallic Earrings

I'm sure you're all wondering how the toy party went... It was FABULOUS!! But that's not really what this story's about. This story is about the earrings that I wore to the party. I wore the deliciously naughty flashing-penis earrings pictured above. Yes... that's right. You know you're jealous.
After the party I took them off and put them in my purse. Never thought much of it. Occasionally I'd open my purse to pull out my wallet or camera and get a little chuckle from the penis earrings residing comfortably (incognito) at the bottom of my bag.
Couple weeks go by and I take my badge out of my purse to start off my work day. I go through all the motions: Pick my patient from the board, get report from the off-going nurse at the nurse's station, then gather a few things together to go meet the new patient.
I had been in her room for a few minutes when it became apparent that we needed to turn her to her side. As I look down to rearrange her pillows what do I notice on her bed??
Yep... wait for it...

A FLASHING PENIS EARRING!!

The thoughts that came next gyrated around in my head for maybe a millisecond.

1. OH MY GOD
2. This patient has the same earrings as me
3. How the hell did one of my earrings get into my patients bed
4. Should I ask her if it's hers
5. Should I leave it there and pretend I didn't see it
6. How quickly can I pick it up and put it elsewhere before she or her husband realize I've just picked something up from the bed and put it in my pocket?
7. Stay calm, try to breathe, don't make any funny faces

After that little cacophony of thoughts I rapidly picked up the flashing penis earring and placed it on the desk behind the label maker and went about the rest of my care.

I totally forgot about it. (Yes, I'm that good of a nurse... BWAHAHA)

It wasn't until later on that night... oh let's say around the magical hour of 3 a.m. that we were all chatting and the realization came to me that the flashing penis earring was still sitting where I'd left it. So I darted up and out of my seat... ran to the room... and thankfully, it was still there. The patient had been out of the room for several hours as well in case you were wondering.

Of course all the girls wanted to know what I had to run away from the desk from. I don't know how they caught the entire story between my hysterical laughing and tears but somehow by the end of it all we were all cracking up. I want to know how in the hell that little sucker hitched a ride on my badge and went unnoticed all the way from me putting it on in the car to reaching my patients room?!! Help a sister out people! Really! No one notices a flashing penis earring?? I find that hard to believe!

I know I've said that I'm going to try and merge my Mistress Auri self with my work self... but I draw the line at leaving phallic accouterments in bed with my patients.

That's just taking things a bit too far if you ask me.

Here's to hoping you all have something fabulously humbling and/or embarrassing happen to YOU this week!

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A

The Waterproof Prostate Massager (Toy Reviews, Edition 2)

So here it is... the second edition of Mistress Auri and Miss Salti's Toy Reviews...

Mistress Auri, here. I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for this little thing so try to calm yourself a ... it will be okay.

Our friend above here is called the Waterproof Prostate Massager. Can I tell you why this makes me laugh like an old woman? Because I had no idea whatsoever that it was meant for the prostate... which for those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful male anatomy would be the small gland located inside of their anus that when massaged is somewhat more intense (or so I'm told) than our g-spot. Not having a prostate myself, I think the comparison is sketchy and sounds like something a man would say. When I bought this little toy there was nothing on the packaging about a prostate... NADA! You can imagine that it's good for the g-spot too though... so that's what I found it useful for. It's not very pretty to look at... kinda makes you feel like you're plunging yourself with a metal pipe... but I guess if you're into that it might be just what you're looking for?! I however like things that are a little more soft, gentle, and look more sexy when being used. It's waterproof so by all means take it in the shower or tub and let loose! The batteries seem to last for quite a while (however we've established that maybe I'm not the best judge of this since everyone around me seems to change their batteries every couple of weeks and mine last years!) If you're thinking of getting this for your man... might I suggest THE TALK first? "What talk would that be Mistress," you ask... well dear... that would be the doyoulikeituptheass talk. And if you can't have the talk then perhaps this toy (in its intended use) is a little advanced for you. There are plenty of lubes to accompany such a toy...

For those burly "ofcourseIdon'tlikeituptheass" men. Doc Johnson's Man Grease. A good lube with a humorous package to 'ease' you into the moment.
And don't forget Mr. Marcus' Booty Butter... how could I not choose this? Look at the name... sometimes it's all in the presentation...

And last but certainly not least...
Adam and Eve is a great site (like I've said before) and when they put out a lube... you listen.

And again for those of you who are all about the numbers game...

Ease of Use:
4/5

Durability:
3/5

'O' Factor:
3/5

Price:
5/5

That gives our little Toy a 15/20... Not as good as the i-vibe... but good enough to get the job done well and it doesn't sound like a lawnmower... that's a good thing by the way.

So, venture forth...
find a good lube...
strike up a wicked hot bath...

And let the games begin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ms. Salti over here... Apparently I'm supposed to do a review, mention how it relates to Megan Fox and include a tres sexy picture of her with it. How in the HELL am I supposed to do that? I'm not sure either... so strap on your strap-ons (that will forever be my favorite line) cuz we're goin' for a ride!

So, I'm not sure exactly why in some realms of the adult toy industry this fantastic little piece of machinery is referred to as a prostate massager. Better yet, I'm not sure why the one Auri owns was packaged as such because I have a very similar one that was labeled as a G-Spot stimluator. (And you'll be interested to know that as I was typing "stimulator" my fingers slipped - get your minds out of the gutter - and typed something random like 'sty9lskhu' because they got very excited.)

Moving right along... If you're looking for a G-spot stimulator that is softer and/or prettier than the one shown above, then this is the toy for you! The one above is called the Pinks Bombay G-Spot Vibrator.

I bought this little gem a little over a year ago, and after the first time I used it, I decided I was never leaving the house again. Too bad I had to go to work and try to lead a normal life. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the toy is actually a plain old vibrator covered in a textured silicone sleeve. I've always just left the sleeve on so I can't speak to it's function as a regular vibrator. But believe me, with the sleeve on, you'll be a very happy camper!

Girls, if you've never found your g-spot on your own, first, shame on you, second, go buy one of these toys. If you can't find your g-spot using this, then I would consider the fact that maybe you just don't have one. And make an appointment with your gyno.

Men, if you've never found your woman's g-spot, first, double shame on you, second, have her use this fantastic little toy and show you where it is. And once you've found it, don't leave.The only two things (and they're related) that I don't like about this are 1) the on/off is a button at the base of the toy, and 2) there are only 3 speeds. I prefer the turn-knobs as they're easier to operate when you're all hot and bothered and they generally offer more range in vibration.

Overall rating of this toy: 16/20

Ease of use - 3/5
Durability - 4/5
O factor - 5/5
Price - 4/5

If you're looking for a new toy, and want to expand your horizons, this is the one you want! I bet even Megan Fox has one...

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket (Toy Reviews, Edition 1)

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket. Do you know why this little gem is number 4 on Adam & Eve's most popular mini-vibrator list? Hmm? Because ladies and gents, it's small, it's waterproof, it's versatile, it doesn't have cords, and it packs one hell of a punch as far as orgasms are concerned.

I thought I would start out the much anticipated Toy Reviews with my personal favorite. Only fair?! Remember back to my quiz? Well, you must first understand what stimulates you. Typically this type of vibrator is used for clitoral stimulation but might I also recommend a little teasing (without penetration) of the backdoor? I know... some of you are blushing a mad shade of red right about now. It's also very titillating for the nipples. The tip is removable and reveals three silver balls. I prefer using it this way. The cap just makes it a little too irritating for me (personal preference). Most of these models come with several kinds of caps that produce different sensations so get creative!

Be sure to remember that it's waterproof. That's right... WATERPROOF... meaning that it's fully submersible. So go run a bath... put on your favorite soaking tunes... and let the real party begin! My husband bought me a book a while back entitled Toy Gasms.

If you haven't seen or heard of this little book... GO PICK IT UP RIGHT NOW. Really... this isn't like my fascination with Twilight, people. This is life changing! Sadie has so many different tips on using toys alone or with your partner. Some of my best ideas have come from this book. It's small and full of great illustrations! You can pick it up at Amazon.com.

So... for those of you who like things in a neat little package (and I know you're out there)

Ease of Use:
5/5

Durability:
5/5

'O' Factor:
5/5

Price:
4/5

That gives our little Toy a 19/20... Not too shabby! Even if you're not usually a clitorally stimulated kind of person I would recommend this along with your usual play just to spice things up a bit.

So... go out there... have some fun...

And be safe!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well hey there... Ms. Salti here, and I bet you're wondering what the hell I'm doing over here today.

I need to give y'all a little back story as to why I'm co-blogging with the Mistress. A little while back we decided to start doing toy reviews. After discussing our strategy we hit a few roadblocks. First, we don't own all the same toys. Second, we're not going to be sharing our toys. Third, how would we go about doing our posts/reviews? We deliberated for a bit and decided to do all the posts over here on her blog. We also decided to take turns doing reviews and then weigh in on the other's product of the week. So, that's what I'm doing here today... I'm gonna give you my two cents...

This isn't the exact one I got, but I wanted to show you what the caps look like!

Auri has gone on and on about her favorite little go-to, orgasm creator, and being the curious girl I am, I went and bought one for myself. I knew it wasn't exactly the same one, but it was close. I got it home and tried all the different caps that came with it... you know, the ones Auri described above. But sadly, I can't say it did much for me. I may be able to orgasm on a dime (hmmm... that creates an interesting visual) but I'm a girl that needs a bit more stimulation (i.e., more than one small area being stimulated).

I really gave it a valiant effort, I promise. I just couldn't make it work. I guess I should have read the book Auri has. Maybe she'll let me borrow it (hint, hint). So guess what I did with the little pleasure-maker? I threw it away. No sense keeping something I wasn't going to use, right? And I sure as hell couldn't sell it on eBay.

So there you have my opinion on Auri's favorite toy. Stay tuned next week for the review of my favorite toy. If you have any questions in the meantime, you know where to find us!

Until then...

All our love,

My Honest Scrap Smells Like Roses! (honest)

My sexy bloggy friend over at Confessionsofasocialwhore, Mia Dickinson, tagged me and left me the Honest Scrap award. Thanks Mia! You're a peach. Which means you're lovely (just in case it means something not so complimentary over there in the land of Your Majesty).

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Just like to point out that Mia did not tell me that I got the award... which is usually not an issue since I'm stuck like glue to her fab blog... but... I got distracted by the lack of sleep and work schedule and happened to miss the one post in which I was mentioned. The story of my life. Oh well... I've made up for it now.

On with the honest scrap...
#1- I don't have any anal toys and I won't ever unless someone purchases one for me and then I swear I will never use it.

#2- I once had the opportunity during spring break in San Diego with Ms. Salti (when I was 17) to have sex with a gorgeous, extremely well endowed, black man and I chickened out because he was so big. Hello! I was still fairly naive and had no clue how that would work with this.

#3- I am now reading the Twilight series for the third time. I can't stop. It's like an addictive drug and I don't want to stop either. I'm almost embarrassed about it... but not quite (depends on who I'm talking to). It's all Ms. Salti's fault. Were it not for her prodding I wouldn't have gone to see the movie in the first place, never would have purchased the books, never would have gotten obsessed. It's a sickness. Please don't judge me. I judge myself (and my husband gives me shit enough for all of you, I promise).

#4- I have a total crush on Megan Fox. You know, the chick from Transformers. We just went to see the movie yesterday and I think she's officially on my "I'm not a Lesbian but if she were to ask me to be I might have to apologize to my husband and jump ship" list. Wow. I'm at a loss for words.

#5- On our first road trip together hubby and I had sex at just about every rest stop from here to Seattle. We can recommend our favorite to anyone caring to recreate the journey.

#6- There's a dark side of me that wants to yell obscenities and kick the shit out of random people being assholes.

#7- I have lived in Italy twice. Once when I was a baby for about a year and a half. The last was for several months while I was 17 and I got to hang out on the set of U-571 where my dad was working on the set.

#8- I have some cellulite on my ass. Fuck you, don't laugh.

#9- I have better orgasms than you do... (if you'd care to argue I dare you to prove it)

#10- I just put out multiple large bowls of beer. For the snails. Not to be kind. If you've missed previous posts you have missed that I tried to be nice before by collecting them and putting them in a little terrarium in the house but now it's war. They're eating everything in my garden and I'm pissed! I hope they enjoy getting sloshed before they die.

Okay... now to tagging others. 10 people is kind of a lot. Hmmm...

1. Jana- She's kind of new to the world of blogging and I can't wait to hear some of her honest scrap.
2. Sarcastically Bitter- A lovely nurse up in Canada... bet she's got some scrap up her sleeve.
3. Mr. Condescending- He's just beyond honest all the time anyway... but hell... let's see what he'll come up with.
4. Becoming Kate- She has plenty of stories and some crazy life experiences... tell us some more hun!
5. In the Head of Em- I've been there once or twice... maybe you'll be lucky enough to get inside?
6.The Trainwreck Chronicles- She's wicked, she's funny... she's also a bigshot now... so let's see if she really responds.
7.Noelle- Can you handle the truth from a 5th grade teacher? They're scary when they take their hair down...

Okay... that's all I've got. The other people either have already gotten this or don't post stuff like this on their blogs...

Are You In A Healthy Relationship With Your Toy?

Sitting at dinner last night there was a group of 6 of us girls. At one point in the conversation it became apparent to me that some of the girls may not be in the right, how shall we put it, 'relationship' with their sexual toys. "What can I do" I said to myself as I carefully picked my jaw up out of my tortilla soup and wiped it off with my paper napkin. This is an outrage that so many of my close friends are in bad or less than ideal relationship with their toys!

So I've come up with a little quiz for you all to take in the privacy of your (insert private area of your choosing here). I have not googled this idea. Although I'm sure with all the smutty magazines out there someone has done this before... I figured if I don't read their ideas I can't be accused of plagiarizing... right?!

May I remind you... as with any quiz... you get out of this what you put in to it. No use in lying. The only person you're cheating here is yourself (and all of that other mumbo jumbo). And if my advice turns out to be rubbish in the end... tough shit... you're reading this for entertainment purposes only... right? Okay... if you're reading this for advice then take it with a grain of salt... just like any other unsolicited advice in life.

Let's Begin, Shall We?

1. Does your hand go numb while/after using your toy?


2. Do you have to change the batteries more than 2 times a week (geesh, even twice is a lot kids!)?

3. Does it make a noise akin to your (insert large motorized device such as lawnmower, tiller, weed whacker, or generator here) ?

4. Are you still wondering what all the fuss is over toys (battery or non-battery operated)?

5. Do you have to wear the brace your doctor gave you while using your toy even though your wrist has been healed for over 15 years now?

6. Are your thoughts occasionally wandering towards the 'silver bullet' that you saw at your local toy store?


7. Does it take you longer to reach orgasm (if you need to look this word up maybe we should speak privately before you finish this quiz) with your toy than when you first bought it?

8. Do you have to change positions more than 3 times while using your toy by yourself?

9. Do you achieve only 1 orgasm while using your toy, and not by choice (yes I said only)?

10. Have you thought about shower time as being your 'play time' in the last several months or ever?

11. Do you frequently find yourself giggling during/after using your toy?

12. Have you ever looked at your toy and said/thought "you are a bad, bad toy and I like it." ?


13. During conversations with people about toys do you find yourself thinking how much better your toy has got to be than everyone else at the table?

14. Does the cost of batteries to operate your toy still allow you to buy necessary provisions such as food, gas, baby food?

15. Have you ever found yourself saying "OHMYGODYESOHSHITDEEPERYESGODFUCKME!" ?

Okay kids... are we ready?

If you answered yes to questions 1-5:

1. a)Perhaps you should be worried that the thing is putting off so much voltage that you are permanently damaging your soft tissue.
b) If it's really taking you that long that your hand is going numb you're matched up with the wrong toy... experiment. There's more than one toy at the store.
2. a) Hello people!? Maybe it has a short? You could be in serious jeopardy of being electrocuted while twiddling the twat and then where would that leave you? Laughed at in the ER... that's where.
b) I'm not judging... I know a lot of you are without partner... but if you're changing batteries that often maybe it's time time to invest in some rechargables... save the planet... find another hobby... but I'm glad the toy is doing it for you
3. Stay where you are... the authorities will be arriving shortly to confiscate your toy and return it to the military base from whence it came (yes Mr. C, we're talking to you). Seriously... get rid of it. Welcome to the technological age...
4. Whatever toy you have that has left you feeling like that is not for you... (or you aren't being honest with yourself and haven't even removed it from the package, which I realize might be the case). If it's not doing the trick (no matter how much your obnoxious friend says it's the best) ditch it and find out what works for you the old fashioned way before you spend money!
5. Again... ditch the bitch. Carpal tunnel isn't worth it and costs way more to fix than going out and buying a new toy that does the job in less time with less pain! Don't be cheap!! This is your happiness we're talking about here!

Questions 6-10:

6. It's natural to get tired of your old faithful... doesn't mean you're in a 'bad' relationship... just try switching off now and then with something new. And please don't apply this advice to the love life... I don't want to be sued for your marital problems!!
7. You'd be surprised what happens to your favorite toy when the batteries start to run low. Have you been naughty and not taken them out between uses? Have you not changed them in a while? Try it... you might just be 're-awakened'. Seriously, think Hallelujah Chorus.
8. Are you catching a theme here? If you're losing focus you're probably getting bored with your toy. No biggie... bodies change over time. Figure out what's turning you on these days. Don't be afraid to try something new. Otherwise don't bitch and moan that the same old thing isn't working for ya anymore!
9. Maybe you've been a 'batteries not included' kind of player for a while? Could be time to switch over to the world of the BOBs... Battery Operated Boyfriends. Can we say hello to multiples, continuous orgasms, and things they haven't found good names for yet?
10. "But Auri, can my toy go in the shower?" Good question... if it's a dildo (without batteries) then yes... if it's a vibrator (with batteries) then you need to make sure when you buy it that it's water proof. And can we just say detachable showerhead?! Wow...

Questions 11-15: (are you still with me?)

11. If you made it this far and you are now answering yes to questions 11-15...
CONGRATULATIONS!!
You apparently have a lovely relationship with your toy! As the famous Mr. Gorilla Bananas reminded me... when you're in a relationship it's important to remind your SO that your favorite toy won't get in between the two of you (too often) so as to not create too much jealousy. Take it from me... very important! Just because you have a great relationship with your toy now don't forget to reevaluate if things should start to change between the two of you.

Good luck!
Mistress A

~love at first peek~

Once upon a time there were two little pink pouches. Soft and silky in nature. Quiet, reserved, yet they knew somehow that they were drawn to each other like pen to paper. They would talk endlessly, day after day, but remained in their pouches because they were shy. They had never played with anyone else.

Until one day...

They were chatting away and decided to peek their heads out to say hi. What could it hurt? Just a peek. Just a 'hi'. After all, they'd spent so much time getting closer and they had no idea up to this point what the other looked like. So... finally... they stretched their hard, smooth, glass heads upward toward the light of day and out toward the unknown of this other person they had gotten to know and realized that they were not so different after all.

It was love...

At first peek...

It wasn't all at once but over the next little while they shed their pretty pink covers and sat side-by-side examining their similarities and delighting in their differences. Sure one had hearts here and the other had stripes there... but were their purposes really all that different? On the inside, elementally, weren't they really both, the same?

And so they fell.

Stripe for stripe. Heart for heart. They promised never to return to the 'Life of the Pouch' again.
No matter what.

The End.

Mistress Auri

The Amazing, Tantalizing, Infuriating, Liberating, Vibrating, Flying Dildo... (as promised)

Okay... so I'm just warning you before you start this one... this is a true 'Mistress Auri' type of post. You'll be hearing lots of grown up words (as we call them in our house) and experiencing a very personal story from yours truly.

Duh.

Now that that's out of the way!
LET'S GET ON WITH THE GOOD SHIT!

You need a little history to appreciate my husband and I in the bedroom. We have a great sex life. My interests have changed over the years as far as foreplay are concerned but I've always remained open with him and communicated what I've needed
You should be impressed...

So... the only time I like him using his fingers for a little pre game warm up are when a) I'm drunk or b) I'm already warmed up. He knows this!

So... I wake up to him asking me to take the oldest to school because he's tired (and I'm not apparently)... okay fine... I'll be good because I want sex.
I come home and he's still sleeping (although in his defense he has folded a load of laundry in my absence...good man).

I climb into bed and the two youngest come down and knock on the door because they're hungry (I am slowly getting less and less interested in sex)

I get up from bed and figure I'll give them food... after all, that will buy us and extra 10 minutes and that means we may get to start of with a little oral sex for me... which is a fab way to start off the morning! (but again... why haven't they eaten in my absence? another unanswered question.)

Kids fed... but then my annoying female brain notices that the washing machine isn't going (I know... believe me... I'm annoying myself by now) and I start to get a little irritated that hubby didn't throw a load in when he took the other load out... because...

DUH...

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE!

on to the dildo part...

I get back into bed... slip out of the robe. He's out of his clothes now too and what does he do?! He sticks his hand right between my legs! SORRY! I'm just not a light switch... I have more than two functions!

So I pull away a bit and he gets pissed off. He asks what I want (so thoughtful of him!)... to which I gracefully reply with the tone of a trucker in heat...
"get on top of me"

Well apparently that's when the shit hit the fan folks! Because at that moment... He jumped up out of bed and stormed off into the closet.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sitting there naked contemplating what just happened...
out of nowhere...

a large, flesh colored, veiny, supple, dildo comes flying out of the walk-in closet towards me on the bed narrowly missing my head as my husband is exclaiming
"Here! Use this! It's obvious you just want a dick to rub up against anyway!"

Well excuse the flying (dildo) fuck out of me!! I gathered the sheets up around me... slightly amused (thought I'd never admit that to him), horrified, pissed beyond recognition, and grabbed the very perfect (yes ladies... very perfect) dildo firmly in my right hand, gripped tightly and screamed and the top of my lungs... "That was rude! Don't you ever fucking do that again!" And with an extra squeeze to my good buddy whom I don't normally throw anywhere... I tossed that sonofabitch back into the closet with the intention of seriously maiming anyone/thing that it came in contact with. I'm sure that I'll be getting a call from the fast pitch coach any day now... they had to have heard that pitch at least 50 miles away.

Well... what came after is neither very exciting... nor really any of your business...
(yet somehow that all was... )
Suffice it to say that I am sitting here with my fab hubby writing this and I told him that I would be.
He though it was a lovely idea...

To bring the story back around. I went back in the closet later that day to collect my large friend and put him back in his house... couldn't find him. Didn't feel like asking hubby where he was yet. Oh well... I'd find him someday (or someone would...)

YAH...

YESTERDAY!
Sitting there folding laundry on the bed with the entire family... my middle guy, Aidan, comes walking up to the bed from the closet holding what?

OH LORD... NO... PLEASE...

Yes... just when you thought the story couldn't get any worse. He found it. He was swinging it around. He's like "what's this guys"... with a completely straight face my hub was like "it's a fake penis... what's it look like."

Now he won't stop asking about the thing. I paid $70 god damned for that thing and now after one awful week of bad luck with it I don't think I'll touch it again...

I need a nap

And maybe some Xanax

I'm Not Dead! Just Distracted...

Hello lovelies... Just a quick note to let you know I'm working on a couple of things... I've lifted my ban on blog awards because Ms. Salti was cool enough to give me a couple (and I guess I really do want to win the popularity contest)... I'll take pics of the veggie garden and tell you all about that... oh and I have a fabulous (very personal) story about a flying dildo and tears. So, there you have it.

Stay tuned

And yes...

I will catch up on every single post I've missed on your blogs... I know I'm a bad dog...

Just a little of this and a little of that

I woke up the other morning to another soggy carpet. I know... this time I just laughed and thought "okay... what this time." It was the sump pump that keeps the ground water from flooding our basement. And apparently after asking it to run consistently for almost two months now it decided to blow a seal and go kaput... yes, that's the technical term for what happened to it. Just in case you were curious.
So...
Yours truly went to Home Depot to return the one that dear hubby had purchased earlier to get a smaller and more expensive one that would replace the dearly departed pump. One more trip to HD later and I had the pump ready to go. Thought I had tightened everything that hubby had loosened when he took the old pump off... thought... anyway, plug the new beauty in and a couple of seconds later gallons of oily water are spraying all over the laundry room. All over me.
Freaking awesome.
I'm silently screaming in my head.
I'm not going to kill anyone.
I will survive... (channeling a higher power)
Okay... unplug the pump, clean up the GD effing laundry for the 5,000th time this month and tighten all the screws I can find. Try again.
SUCCESS!
So there you go... $200 later and another life story and I have a working sump pump to keep my basement from flooding. Life is restored for another 5 minutes.

No word yet from the radiologist about Taryn's arm... hopefully today...
Gotta go... kids are occupied and hubby calls=)
WOOHOO!!
xoxo

and just in case you're wondering...no, I've never had my undies fall down... on accident;) tee hee hee

Two Tasty Treats...

After a long and fabulous day at work yesterday Ms. Salti picked me up and after getting changed we went to get Noelle and headed out to dinner. We weren't sure where we wanted to go so they both suggested Settebella downtown... a new Italian pizza spot... and good lord! Wow... I'm having a hard time coming up with adjectives worthy to describe how good it was.
The place is cute. Small and joined with a gelateria next door. We started out with a simple but delicious mixed green salad with balsamic and olive oil. Then had their margherita pizza. The pizza tasted exactly like this little spot my dad and I used to go by the place we stayed in Rome. Very good. The gelato was good. I'm a bit glutenous when it comes to gelato. I want mine packed with enough cream that it sticks to the roof of my mouth for an hour after. This was probably a little on the healthier side... ho hum=(
Anyway... I didn't think I'd be able to move after that. Did I mention we shared a bottle of delicious Pinot Noir? Yah... then my cute hubby was feeling frisky when I got home. I wasn't sure how that would work seeing how I felt 5 month pregnant with a pizza baby... but somehow we managed=)

This morning while the kids were waiting for Sponge Bob to come on I turned the channel to VH1 because out of some miracle they were actually playing music. After the top 20 there was this show called Free Radio. Apparently it's been on for a little bit but it's absolutely hilarious! It's a bit of a mix between improv and real interviews with all of these guest stars that they have on and then there's somewhat of a scripted cast that fills in the rest of the show.
All of the full episodes are on VH1 online... seriously... go check a few out. Very clever. I like the female host on the show. She kind of reminds me of a brunette Bonnie Hunt.

So those are my two tasty treats for the day... a new restaurant and a new show. See why I don't watch TV anymore!? I always get hooked to something when I do watch. Best if I just stick to my books!
By the way... am loving Darkly Dreaming Dexter! The show has apparently done an excellent job of sticking to the book because they are very similar. I enjoy reading it though... I look at it like a special feature. Anyway... for those of you that enjoy the darker side of humor... it's a must read! If you're one of those people that thinks the movie always ruins the book though... go watch a few episodes of Dexter first so that you can appreciate just how brilliant the show is... then go read the book;)
Oh and have I mentioned that my inner teenager is having Twilight withdrawals? I know... you can laugh if you want to... I'll only cry later when I'm trying to fall asleep...
Oh, one more thing. I still haven't freaking put my vegetable garden together and mother's day is coming up!! A clone is sounding more desirable all the time.

This is not a blog award...

So Miss Salti... I will play along with your wily games because I like ya! But no one else! teeheehee...
The name of the game here is to post 7 things that make you happy. I figure that's a worthwhile cause.
1. Getting to go grocery shopping alone with my hubby
(if you are without children then you won't truly understand the gravity of this statement until you have some of your own). I always hate excluding people who don't have kids... but let me say that grocery shopping can be kind of fun when you have time to just mosey through the isles. There's the occasional ass grab as a member of the shopping party bends over to grab something off the bottom shelf. You can make dirty gestures with the veggies... stuff like that=)
2. An empty sink AND an empty dishwasher
translation: someone other than myself has been putting dishes away and that is just too fabulous for words. Not that I mind it all that much... but it's a tasty treat.
3. Dark chocolate
There's this really hot, very sweet, kind of dorky, guy that works for a certain Italian deli here in SLC. He does classes for random things like cheese, chocolate, olive oil... well I've taken his cheese and chocolate classes and I love him, oops I mean them. Anyway... he helped me strengthen my love and appreciation for dark chocolate. Thanks Troy.
4. Getting lost in a good book
I absolutely love discovering new worlds in books. I get so lost in my head imagining what I'm reading. I sometimes refer to books as my version of Prozac. Who's with me?!
5. A good orgasm
(you ask what's the difference between an 'o' and a 'good o'? well... there's a difference. And for the nominal fee of $50 a month I'll tell ya all about it.
6. Erica (aka Miss Salti)
aww shucks... I know. What's left to say? I don't know. She's my other 'other' half. I get cranky when she's not around. And I probably don't appreciate her enough when she is around. She's the only person I feel like talking to regardless of my mood. (and that doesn't mean I love the rest of you any less). She makes me happy. Oh ya, and she makes my toes beautiful... so what's not to love?
7. My hubby
As much as he drives me crazy he also drives me wild. I can't imagine a world without him in it. He makes me happy in such subtle ways that I don't realize why I'm unhappy until he is. That makes no sense... but that's alright. I can totally be myself with him. He's helped me become the person I am today.

Some Sex Advice For the First Time Lovers Out There

In honor of my dear friends who got married yesterday I've decided to dedicate this post to them. A list of musts for your 'first time' or your first time in a while...
1. Good tunes...
always sets the mood to have some good music playing in the background. Make sure the music works for both of you.
2. Lots of foreplay!
You know the old saying "you've got to warm up to oven before you can bake the buns"... well the same goes for sex. Try a date first where you actually have a chance to talk and flirt. Make a point to gently touch the person on occasion. Kissing is the key to foreplay and too much tongue can turn anyone off. There's more to a woman's body than boobs, crotch, and ass... so try out the rest before you go in for the kill!
3. For those of you who drink...
don't get shitfaced! Just use a drink at dinner for a little social lubrication. I love the Italian saying "en vino veritas" (in wine is truth)... Relaxation is so helpful when it comes to love making... who can enjoy sex when you're all uptight and cranky? (well... I can't)
4. Lots of lube.
Hey... I don't make the rules... I just follow them. Now... if the foreplay was successful nature tells us that most people will make enough lube of their own. However... sometimes the body works in weird ways. So don't be shy about finding a lube that's right for you! It'll be a turn on!
5. Know ahead of time what you like and what you don't...
and don't be afraid to communicate or try new things. Just because you've never tried something before doesn't mean that it's weird or un-enjoyable! You can also find sexy ways to encourage your lover to do things that you like. No need to be a drill sergeant in bed! Find that inner sexy temptress (tempter) and lure them to the right spot(s).
6. Love the one you're with...
I'm not saying that you have to be 'in love' to have sex. I'm a reasonable girl. But after having done it both ways I know I prefer to love the one I'm with. Here's another way to look at it: If you're not with the one you love... love what you're doing. Love the uniqueness of their body. Love the newness they bring to the experience. It's just like the song says "If you can't be with the one you love, baby, love the one you're with."
To my dear friends Paul and Brittany, thank you so much for allowing me to be part of your lives. You are two of the most genuine and wonderful people that I know. I hope you have a lifetime of beautiful memories and love making ahead of you=)

Porn 'n Partners

I've lost count over the years of the number of friends and acquaintances who I've overheard tell stories of their husbands or boyfriends having a 'problem' with porn. I feel bad that they're not able to somehow find a way to incorporate it into the relationship. Okay... so I've had one friend out of all of them who figured out how to have fun with it... but that's a really small fraction! Don't get me wrong... if Trent could find nothing better to do with his days than sit around watching other people I'd get annoyed. Especially if the dishes were piling up and the kids weren't getting fed. But seriously... if couples could just find a way to make it part of 'playtime' I think they'd find a lot of their issues with porn would go away. Maybe that's a bit naive of me... but I hope there's at least a little truth to it.
I guess we sort of have to divide up 'porn' as well. I'm not talking about anything underage (OBVIOUSLY!) and sorry... but animals are out of the question too. Yes, I have morals!

I would venture a guess that many things in life that are considered taboo would be a lot less frowned upon if people could just talk about them in the open...
Well, give it a shot (pun intended). Start out simple and see where it goes.
And hey... if it's not for you... well at least you can say you tried it first.
Good luck in your adventures!
Mistress A.

Happy St. Patty's!

Okay... so 'technically' I'm not Irish (I don't think), but I have some in me often.