The Life and Death of A Good Toy

Several months ago while 'The Girls' and I were eating sushi at Yellow Fin, our new fave spot, the topic of toys came up.  And no friend, I am not referring to your kid's toys that you're constantly cleaning up off of the floor.  We're talking about sex toys here, people.  OF COURSE I brought up my old trusty Pocket Rocket that's been a staple in my night stand for umpteen-bazillion years.  Why wouldn't I?  It was actually a sad convo because my old pal had finally bit the dust some time back... but might I add that the champ waited until after I was 'done' to kick the bucket.  See!! What other toy would be so sweet as to wait until you were done? I bet yours is rude.  Anyway... I had a little moment of silence as I tossed it into the garbage (in the laundry room) to go fill up the local landfill (where all good toys go to die).  Some of the girls present at dinner that night had never had the chance to read my editorials on this particular toy or my rant on all toys in general.

After a long and very detailed description of the what, why, how (which I'm sure all the sexy employees were privy to)- we decided to go for a little shopping trip.  Big thanks to Doc Johns for staying open late enough that ladies out looking for a good time can swing by whenever the mood strikes them!  After looking at all of the cheap lingerie, leather studded paddles (Girls had just read Fifty Shades), and lube, we got to the wall I was looking for.  There it was!  So we ALL bought one that night (granted not all in the same color... which is important because Brooke thinks her black one is better than my white one)... $48 something later I walked out of the shop with my little black bag... anxious to get home and take it for a drive!
Let's just say that all was right once more in Casa De Mistress.  I promptly texted one of my buddies just to elaborate on how wonderful the experience was... of course... what else do YOU do after a good 'O'?

So let's skip forward a month or two to the next 'Girls Night' at the same lovely booth in the same lovely sushi spot.  Would you believe that the subject of toys came up again? (if you were asleep in the first paragraph that would be sex toys, you naughty monkey, you)  I know, you're shocked.  Contain yourself.  We had one or two different girls there with us and I am proud to announce that I didn't have to say one thing about my little Pocket Rocket because the other girls couldn't stop singing its praises! No Lie!!  We would all break out in fits of the giggles now and then because we were so excited to talk about how great the orgasms were with it!  I felt a little like I do after one of my minion does well on a math test or after I've changed some random fluid in my car...PROUD!  And also very excited that I could share something that made my friends happy.  Because no matter how naughty this Mistress might be now and then... I'm still just a down-to-earth kinda girl who wants to spread a little love...

Until next time...

Mistress Auri

My Honest Scrap Smells Like Roses! (honest)

My sexy bloggy friend over at Confessionsofasocialwhore, Mia Dickinson, tagged me and left me the Honest Scrap award. Thanks Mia! You're a peach. Which means you're lovely (just in case it means something not so complimentary over there in the land of Your Majesty).

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Just like to point out that Mia did not tell me that I got the award... which is usually not an issue since I'm stuck like glue to her fab blog... but... I got distracted by the lack of sleep and work schedule and happened to miss the one post in which I was mentioned. The story of my life. Oh well... I've made up for it now.

On with the honest scrap...
#1- I don't have any anal toys and I won't ever unless someone purchases one for me and then I swear I will never use it.

#2- I once had the opportunity during spring break in San Diego with Ms. Salti (when I was 17) to have sex with a gorgeous, extremely well endowed, black man and I chickened out because he was so big. Hello! I was still fairly naive and had no clue how that would work with this.

#3- I am now reading the Twilight series for the third time. I can't stop. It's like an addictive drug and I don't want to stop either. I'm almost embarrassed about it... but not quite (depends on who I'm talking to). It's all Ms. Salti's fault. Were it not for her prodding I wouldn't have gone to see the movie in the first place, never would have purchased the books, never would have gotten obsessed. It's a sickness. Please don't judge me. I judge myself (and my husband gives me shit enough for all of you, I promise).

#4- I have a total crush on Megan Fox. You know, the chick from Transformers. We just went to see the movie yesterday and I think she's officially on my "I'm not a Lesbian but if she were to ask me to be I might have to apologize to my husband and jump ship" list. Wow. I'm at a loss for words.

#5- On our first road trip together hubby and I had sex at just about every rest stop from here to Seattle. We can recommend our favorite to anyone caring to recreate the journey.

#6- There's a dark side of me that wants to yell obscenities and kick the shit out of random people being assholes.

#7- I have lived in Italy twice. Once when I was a baby for about a year and a half. The last was for several months while I was 17 and I got to hang out on the set of U-571 where my dad was working on the set.

#8- I have some cellulite on my ass. Fuck you, don't laugh.

#9- I have better orgasms than you do... (if you'd care to argue I dare you to prove it)

#10- I just put out multiple large bowls of beer. For the snails. Not to be kind. If you've missed previous posts you have missed that I tried to be nice before by collecting them and putting them in a little terrarium in the house but now it's war. They're eating everything in my garden and I'm pissed! I hope they enjoy getting sloshed before they die.

Okay... now to tagging others. 10 people is kind of a lot. Hmmm...

1. Jana- She's kind of new to the world of blogging and I can't wait to hear some of her honest scrap.
2. Sarcastically Bitter- A lovely nurse up in Canada... bet she's got some scrap up her sleeve.
3. Mr. Condescending- He's just beyond honest all the time anyway... but hell... let's see what he'll come up with.
4. Becoming Kate- She has plenty of stories and some crazy life experiences... tell us some more hun!
5. In the Head of Em- I've been there once or twice... maybe you'll be lucky enough to get inside?
6.The Trainwreck Chronicles- She's wicked, she's funny... she's also a bigshot now... so let's see if she really responds.
7.Noelle- Can you handle the truth from a 5th grade teacher? They're scary when they take their hair down...

Okay... that's all I've got. The other people either have already gotten this or don't post stuff like this on their blogs...

Rogue, Blue Cheese and the Bayou

So in honor of my dear bloggy buddy Alex over at Cooking for Assholes I decided to concoct this little post. If you haven't gone to visit his site yet I have to assume it's either because you are physically incapable of using a computer or because you are stubborn and don't like the idea of being called an Asshole. Get over yourself. He's hilarious. So... On to my review. The Bayou is a bar here in Salty town on State Street that we used to frequent quite often until we found that it was next to impossible to get a table on a Friday night unless you show up before 6:30. Sorry Bayou, it's true... Long story short they are considered the 'beervana' of SLC and have an incredible selection of beers available. My good friend Rory suggested Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar a while back and it is one of my faves! No bitter hoppy aftertaste... a nice nutty smooth introduction. This is a very friendly beer for everyone from the beginner to the most advanced beer snob. It is a little on the sweet side, so if that's not your thing... be warned.
Alex royally screwed up some chips as he tried baking them instead of frying them and I told him he should fry them and toss some blue cheese on top. Well... apparently the folks at Bayou have been listening in to my conversations because this is now a special app on their menu. You can't tell from the pic but there's a butt load (yes, that's the technical term you snob) of bleu cheese under those chips. The chips are tossed in a chive olive oil and they were sooooo good! Perfect compliment to the Rogue. We also ordered our standard sweet potato and regular fries. The fries come with the Bayou's garlic/chipotle aioli (that's a fancy mayo for those of you who don't speak cooking talk).
Our friend Brady was sitting at the table to my right... we were being obnoxious and texting. Once again, judge away, I might have if I were you. At the table to my left were two girls and a guy speaking Vietnamese. The one chick was yelling on the phone (at least it seemed like she was... who the hell knows) and I texted Brady that I was frightened because she was so angry. He responds:
" I speak Vietnamese, she was saying that she's pissed because your tits look hot in that hoodie"

That's when my cheeks turned red and the hood came up... we couldn't stop laughing after that.

So... if you ever decide to meander this direction and visit us we'll be sure to take you to The Bayou where you can choose from a fab selection of beers (and other alcohol if that's your bag baby) and delish creole food. If you're nice Ms. Salti and I will treat you to a pedi afterward;)

Unless your name is Alex... then I think I'll have to leave your toes to Mrs. Alex...

I'm a Good Girl... Really!

Hello my lovelies. How are you out there? I was trying to think of something to write about today and nothing was coming to mind so I decided to just sit down and start writing... that works... right?
Last night at work was fun... busy, but a lot of fun. I work with a great group of people. I was having a conversation with the girls about a subject I happen to be pretty passionate about and everyone was really surprised and how worked up I could get. I guess the point is I'm a fairly laid back person the majority of the time.

Really.
(don't laugh, it's not polite and I know your mother taught you better manners than that)

But there are a few things I feel strongly about and I'm not afraid to argue my point. That doesn't mean I'm a bulldog about issues I know nothing about. That drives me crazy. Do your damn homework if you're going to belittle me! Have you ever been in an argument with someone who fights just to fight? They have not a clue on god's green earth what the hell they're talking about but they'll argue to the death just to gain control over you. You know that's what it's about, right? Control. I usually let them win... it's not worth it to me. If they want control so badly they can have it.
I just had to laugh though because people don't often see that side of me, the 'business Auri' side, so when they do they're always surprised. I guess I'm a little surprised too. I'd love to think I'm the kind of person that can whip that side out regardless the opponent but there have been occasions where I'm blindsided and it's not until after a conversation that I wish I had said something differently or handled the situation with more balls. I'm sure most of us have been there.

Okay, I'll stop being completely vague. A new baby is a really important time in a person's life. Whether they are keeping that baby forever, placing them for adoption, or whether the baby is a stillborn, the birth of a baby is a monumental event. Some people just forget that after a while. They get complacent, lazy, and jaded. It spreads like the plague and it gets under my skin. I'll stop there. Believe me... the rant is long and not as exciting in type (one of those 'you had to be there' kind of things). I expect people to tell me if I'm being lazy... I honestly do, not just one of those people that says it and then gets pissed off.
I had a boss once with this cool plaque above her desk that read "assume good intent". I try to keep that in mind. I make mistakes (especially when it comes to failing to communicate little things), I know... you're all shocked=) And so I really assume that when other people are in a slump here and there it's because they're having an off day, as we all do. It's just when it happens all the time that I actually start to get upset.

I wouldn't want anyone leaving with the idea that I'm some kind of perfectionist here... hell no.

Okay... I'm rambling. Which is not always a bad thing. But now I have to get ready for another fabulous evening at work. Hopefully not quite as crazy as last night (seeing as how I delivered a baby in the emergency room last night).

I know that we aren't all so lucky to be able to make a living doing the things we love. I absolutely love what I do. I love bonding with my patients and getting to meet their new little babies. The people I work with are complex, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate. I would not enjoy being at work for 36+ hours every week if I didn't work with such incredible people.

I hope you all get a chance to do what you love and you know what they say...

"If you can't be with the one you love baby, love the one you're with."

Online Dating...

After the dickhead that Ms. Salti just had to put up with I don't know how those of you out there do it... online dating...

Man... I thought old fashion dating was hard...

If you haven't heard the story yet... go read it.
Anyway, there are creeps everywhere. Men. Women. Doesn't matter. I think being a creep is an equal opportunity type of thing. Maybe because I think I've been on both sides of the coin. I wasn't ever one just for fun. But I was definitely a tease back when I didn't realize it wasn't a very nice thing to do.

I was confused. Sue me.

And maybe picking people up in a bar or in person is just as tough for some people as online dating is? I don't know... I tend to have a better sense for what people are going to be like in person. Whether I chose to listen to that sense or not was a different matter. Sometimes they were just too hot...
or their lips were too kissable...
or they had bedroom eyes...
or they smelled really good...

(is it hot in here?)

I digress...
Anyway... I'm getting frustrated for Erica. And I'm getting more than a little pissed off at the male population that seems to be lurking on these online dating sites. I'm sure there are plenty of great guys on them too... but for some reason she's getting more than her fare share of the assholes.
So how do all of those happy couples on the commercials meet? Do they have rules on the sites? Can you submit complaints when they keep sending you people that don't 'match' you? I don't know... all seems a little sketchy...
And... THEY'RE FREAKING EXPENSIVE! Wow! Why didn't I think of that idea first? Maybe I'll suggest she do that dinner thing.
At least she'd get a nice meal out of the thing.
Hmmm... wait a minute...

the wheels are turning...

maybe I'll start a dating service? A sex toy party/dinner dating service. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Yah, come to a nice restaurant for a great dinner. Be entertained by moi (and hubby) who would be selling toys... maybe... at some dinners, at others maybe we just do wine tastings... then get to meet new people.
AND... we would have people there who would all be compatible with each other in several ways.
Hmmm... could work.
Don't steal my idea. When I'm tired of nursing I might just do it=)
Well... I'm rambling now... good luck to my single friends out there. I love you all.
aurs

Two Tasty Treats...

After a long and fabulous day at work yesterday Ms. Salti picked me up and after getting changed we went to get Noelle and headed out to dinner. We weren't sure where we wanted to go so they both suggested Settebella downtown... a new Italian pizza spot... and good lord! Wow... I'm having a hard time coming up with adjectives worthy to describe how good it was.
The place is cute. Small and joined with a gelateria next door. We started out with a simple but delicious mixed green salad with balsamic and olive oil. Then had their margherita pizza. The pizza tasted exactly like this little spot my dad and I used to go by the place we stayed in Rome. Very good. The gelato was good. I'm a bit glutenous when it comes to gelato. I want mine packed with enough cream that it sticks to the roof of my mouth for an hour after. This was probably a little on the healthier side... ho hum=(
Anyway... I didn't think I'd be able to move after that. Did I mention we shared a bottle of delicious Pinot Noir? Yah... then my cute hubby was feeling frisky when I got home. I wasn't sure how that would work seeing how I felt 5 month pregnant with a pizza baby... but somehow we managed=)

This morning while the kids were waiting for Sponge Bob to come on I turned the channel to VH1 because out of some miracle they were actually playing music. After the top 20 there was this show called Free Radio. Apparently it's been on for a little bit but it's absolutely hilarious! It's a bit of a mix between improv and real interviews with all of these guest stars that they have on and then there's somewhat of a scripted cast that fills in the rest of the show.
All of the full episodes are on VH1 online... seriously... go check a few out. Very clever. I like the female host on the show. She kind of reminds me of a brunette Bonnie Hunt.

So those are my two tasty treats for the day... a new restaurant and a new show. See why I don't watch TV anymore!? I always get hooked to something when I do watch. Best if I just stick to my books!
By the way... am loving Darkly Dreaming Dexter! The show has apparently done an excellent job of sticking to the book because they are very similar. I enjoy reading it though... I look at it like a special feature. Anyway... for those of you that enjoy the darker side of humor... it's a must read! If you're one of those people that thinks the movie always ruins the book though... go watch a few episodes of Dexter first so that you can appreciate just how brilliant the show is... then go read the book;)
Oh and have I mentioned that my inner teenager is having Twilight withdrawals? I know... you can laugh if you want to... I'll only cry later when I'm trying to fall asleep...
Oh, one more thing. I still haven't freaking put my vegetable garden together and mother's day is coming up!! A clone is sounding more desirable all the time.

Thanks!!

Huge THANKS to my pal Jana for giving me that fabulously tasty new coffee from 'bucks'... I brewed myself up some this morning and loved it! I usually use my french press but that has a tendency to let in a bit to much sludge at the bottom... and I didn't want to ruin the first cup! (yah, I think I need a new one) so I decided to pull out the old dripper... lo and behold it still works;)
Anyway... guess I won't be getting any spankings today...
and that's a good thing?! hahaha!
xoxo

This is not a blog award...

So Miss Salti... I will play along with your wily games because I like ya! But no one else! teeheehee...
The name of the game here is to post 7 things that make you happy. I figure that's a worthwhile cause.
1. Getting to go grocery shopping alone with my hubby
(if you are without children then you won't truly understand the gravity of this statement until you have some of your own). I always hate excluding people who don't have kids... but let me say that grocery shopping can be kind of fun when you have time to just mosey through the isles. There's the occasional ass grab as a member of the shopping party bends over to grab something off the bottom shelf. You can make dirty gestures with the veggies... stuff like that=)
2. An empty sink AND an empty dishwasher
translation: someone other than myself has been putting dishes away and that is just too fabulous for words. Not that I mind it all that much... but it's a tasty treat.
3. Dark chocolate
There's this really hot, very sweet, kind of dorky, guy that works for a certain Italian deli here in SLC. He does classes for random things like cheese, chocolate, olive oil... well I've taken his cheese and chocolate classes and I love him, oops I mean them. Anyway... he helped me strengthen my love and appreciation for dark chocolate. Thanks Troy.
4. Getting lost in a good book
I absolutely love discovering new worlds in books. I get so lost in my head imagining what I'm reading. I sometimes refer to books as my version of Prozac. Who's with me?!
5. A good orgasm
(you ask what's the difference between an 'o' and a 'good o'? well... there's a difference. And for the nominal fee of $50 a month I'll tell ya all about it.
6. Erica (aka Miss Salti)
aww shucks... I know. What's left to say? I don't know. She's my other 'other' half. I get cranky when she's not around. And I probably don't appreciate her enough when she is around. She's the only person I feel like talking to regardless of my mood. (and that doesn't mean I love the rest of you any less). She makes me happy. Oh ya, and she makes my toes beautiful... so what's not to love?
7. My hubby
As much as he drives me crazy he also drives me wild. I can't imagine a world without him in it. He makes me happy in such subtle ways that I don't realize why I'm unhappy until he is. That makes no sense... but that's alright. I can totally be myself with him. He's helped me become the person I am today.

Some Sex Advice For the First Time Lovers Out There

In honor of my dear friends who got married yesterday I've decided to dedicate this post to them. A list of musts for your 'first time' or your first time in a while...
1. Good tunes...
always sets the mood to have some good music playing in the background. Make sure the music works for both of you.
2. Lots of foreplay!
You know the old saying "you've got to warm up to oven before you can bake the buns"... well the same goes for sex. Try a date first where you actually have a chance to talk and flirt. Make a point to gently touch the person on occasion. Kissing is the key to foreplay and too much tongue can turn anyone off. There's more to a woman's body than boobs, crotch, and ass... so try out the rest before you go in for the kill!
3. For those of you who drink...
don't get shitfaced! Just use a drink at dinner for a little social lubrication. I love the Italian saying "en vino veritas" (in wine is truth)... Relaxation is so helpful when it comes to love making... who can enjoy sex when you're all uptight and cranky? (well... I can't)
4. Lots of lube.
Hey... I don't make the rules... I just follow them. Now... if the foreplay was successful nature tells us that most people will make enough lube of their own. However... sometimes the body works in weird ways. So don't be shy about finding a lube that's right for you! It'll be a turn on!
5. Know ahead of time what you like and what you don't...
and don't be afraid to communicate or try new things. Just because you've never tried something before doesn't mean that it's weird or un-enjoyable! You can also find sexy ways to encourage your lover to do things that you like. No need to be a drill sergeant in bed! Find that inner sexy temptress (tempter) and lure them to the right spot(s).
6. Love the one you're with...
I'm not saying that you have to be 'in love' to have sex. I'm a reasonable girl. But after having done it both ways I know I prefer to love the one I'm with. Here's another way to look at it: If you're not with the one you love... love what you're doing. Love the uniqueness of their body. Love the newness they bring to the experience. It's just like the song says "If you can't be with the one you love, baby, love the one you're with."
To my dear friends Paul and Brittany, thank you so much for allowing me to be part of your lives. You are two of the most genuine and wonderful people that I know. I hope you have a lifetime of beautiful memories and love making ahead of you=)

Okay... I'm finally hooked

I can't tell you how long my friends and patients have been trying to get me to read these books. I think the first time I saw one was at the hospital. Our security receptionist was reading it and I remember giggling to myself thinking "Anne Rice's vampires are the only ones for me." Well... now two years later I've finally given in... and man am I glad. Erica's been reading them for a while and finally we decided to go to the movie together one Sunday evening. After the movie I had to go pick up the first two books... yes, 'had' to. She warned me that it might take 60 pages or so to get into Twilight... not the case. As soon as I started reading I fell in love with the characters and writing style. It flowed so beautifully and was so easy to read. Stirring up all of those memorable teenage emotions of first love and lust that I've stopped thinking about constantly over the years.

As soon as I was done with Twilight (maybe a couple of days because I had to work...) I picked up New Moon and began reading that. I'm a little embarassed to say that I finished it that day. What! I didn't have to work... and the kids were being surprisingly good. Made it easier. I enjoyed the story. I love all of the history in this book. Feels like everyone is telling you their background. Yes... like the rest... I missed Edward's presence throughout... but I feel like it just made you crave his character even more.
Apparently after the book was done I was moping around the house because I wasn't "allowed" to buy the next til payday. My dad went out to run a few errands... because he's living with us now... and lo and behold came back with the third book...

Eclipse... I enjoyed this as well... but I have to admit there were times I found myself rolling my eyes at Bella's character. Just little immature things that she was doing that I couldn't necessarily relate with but for the sake of the story... I understood why they were there. I tried to read a little slower (given my monetary restrictions!) but that didn't work out so well. So... here I am... no book to read=( Don't cry for me... a friend at work is bringing me my next crack installment tonight at work. Whew! I'm looking forward to it. They've been a nice escape. Maybe I'll go catch up and read the draft of Midnight Sun on her website? I love when she writes as Edward... it just flows better=) Okay... and I love being inside his mind;)
Consider me bitten...

GIRL'S NIGHT!!!

I am so excited for my girls night tonight that I can't stand it!! I'm not sure if I should wear the outfit above... I'm thinking that it's a bit cold... for the weather outside is frightful! Let's see if I can remember to take pictures. Oh hell, I'll just remind Erica to bring her camera and we'll take pictures with that=)
More later on girl's night...