Mad Men making me a happy girl

I was a little late on the bandwagon when it comes to the whole Mad men phenomenon. But never fear my tasty minions... I am almost caught up. I'm on episode 11 of Season 4. Good shit, man. I'm hooked. I don't think I've ever wanted to wear polyester so much in my entire life. That and I've had a sudden craving for cocktails in the evening comprised of 3 ingredients (because as Peggy says "2 ingredients is an emergency"). Yah... the show's wearing off on me. For those who are thinking I'm just a shallow bean at this point you can rest easy because I also really enjoy the social commentary that the writers are constantly making about the issues of the 60's. From what I've heard from my parents and grandparents they're pretty spot on with the historical recollections. The way people reacted to the death of Kennedy and all the social taboos that they make a point of bringing up(smoking and drinking while pregnant, divorce, reprimanding other people's kids, racism, etc). If you haven't seen it yet... watch it. I don't even have satellite or cable and I'm watching it... what's your excuse?

And now... for your viewing pleasure (and mine)... a few pics of our fave ad men and women:

Joan makes Marilyn Monroe wish she had been a redhead.

Aaah the days when clothes were tailored. Well... maybe your clothes are ;)

That Don Draper... the Mistress likey.

Love Sal! Who doesn't love a sweet gay man in these shows?

I love wearing a corset for fun but I can't imagine having to be in one all day long. Thank goodness that's over!

Nothing like a sharp dressed man! I saw a young guy in a 3-piece the other day downtown and I was in awe. Take notes guys...


Hope you've enjoyed=) I know I have!
xo
Auri

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A

The Waterproof Prostate Massager (Toy Reviews, Edition 2)

So here it is... the second edition of Mistress Auri and Miss Salti's Toy Reviews...

Mistress Auri, here. I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for this little thing so try to calm yourself a ... it will be okay.

Our friend above here is called the Waterproof Prostate Massager. Can I tell you why this makes me laugh like an old woman? Because I had no idea whatsoever that it was meant for the prostate... which for those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful male anatomy would be the small gland located inside of their anus that when massaged is somewhat more intense (or so I'm told) than our g-spot. Not having a prostate myself, I think the comparison is sketchy and sounds like something a man would say. When I bought this little toy there was nothing on the packaging about a prostate... NADA! You can imagine that it's good for the g-spot too though... so that's what I found it useful for. It's not very pretty to look at... kinda makes you feel like you're plunging yourself with a metal pipe... but I guess if you're into that it might be just what you're looking for?! I however like things that are a little more soft, gentle, and look more sexy when being used. It's waterproof so by all means take it in the shower or tub and let loose! The batteries seem to last for quite a while (however we've established that maybe I'm not the best judge of this since everyone around me seems to change their batteries every couple of weeks and mine last years!) If you're thinking of getting this for your man... might I suggest THE TALK first? "What talk would that be Mistress," you ask... well dear... that would be the doyoulikeituptheass talk. And if you can't have the talk then perhaps this toy (in its intended use) is a little advanced for you. There are plenty of lubes to accompany such a toy...

For those burly "ofcourseIdon'tlikeituptheass" men. Doc Johnson's Man Grease. A good lube with a humorous package to 'ease' you into the moment.
And don't forget Mr. Marcus' Booty Butter... how could I not choose this? Look at the name... sometimes it's all in the presentation...

And last but certainly not least...
Adam and Eve is a great site (like I've said before) and when they put out a lube... you listen.

And again for those of you who are all about the numbers game...

Ease of Use:
4/5

Durability:
3/5

'O' Factor:
3/5

Price:
5/5

That gives our little Toy a 15/20... Not as good as the i-vibe... but good enough to get the job done well and it doesn't sound like a lawnmower... that's a good thing by the way.

So, venture forth...
find a good lube...
strike up a wicked hot bath...

And let the games begin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ms. Salti over here... Apparently I'm supposed to do a review, mention how it relates to Megan Fox and include a tres sexy picture of her with it. How in the HELL am I supposed to do that? I'm not sure either... so strap on your strap-ons (that will forever be my favorite line) cuz we're goin' for a ride!

So, I'm not sure exactly why in some realms of the adult toy industry this fantastic little piece of machinery is referred to as a prostate massager. Better yet, I'm not sure why the one Auri owns was packaged as such because I have a very similar one that was labeled as a G-Spot stimluator. (And you'll be interested to know that as I was typing "stimulator" my fingers slipped - get your minds out of the gutter - and typed something random like 'sty9lskhu' because they got very excited.)

Moving right along... If you're looking for a G-spot stimulator that is softer and/or prettier than the one shown above, then this is the toy for you! The one above is called the Pinks Bombay G-Spot Vibrator.

I bought this little gem a little over a year ago, and after the first time I used it, I decided I was never leaving the house again. Too bad I had to go to work and try to lead a normal life. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the toy is actually a plain old vibrator covered in a textured silicone sleeve. I've always just left the sleeve on so I can't speak to it's function as a regular vibrator. But believe me, with the sleeve on, you'll be a very happy camper!

Girls, if you've never found your g-spot on your own, first, shame on you, second, go buy one of these toys. If you can't find your g-spot using this, then I would consider the fact that maybe you just don't have one. And make an appointment with your gyno.

Men, if you've never found your woman's g-spot, first, double shame on you, second, have her use this fantastic little toy and show you where it is. And once you've found it, don't leave.The only two things (and they're related) that I don't like about this are 1) the on/off is a button at the base of the toy, and 2) there are only 3 speeds. I prefer the turn-knobs as they're easier to operate when you're all hot and bothered and they generally offer more range in vibration.

Overall rating of this toy: 16/20

Ease of use - 3/5
Durability - 4/5
O factor - 5/5
Price - 4/5

If you're looking for a new toy, and want to expand your horizons, this is the one you want! I bet even Megan Fox has one...

So distracted...

Hello loves...
I've been busy looking at this picture for months now...

Maybe it's time for an intervention?

I shall try to make it around to all of your blogs but I can't promise anything that will take me away from it...

=)

Have a lovely day!

Auri

Jason Segel... wild, weird, and wonderful

So if you haven't seen Knocked Up or I Love You Man... let me just tell you that Jason Segel is worth the alliteration. He is so quirky... so interesting... I dig 'im man!! And yes, he is totally 'my type' and I find him irresistibly sexy. True enough. Enjoy this little clip... I did=)

Consider Me Bitten... or "Hey Sookie, Sookie"

Okay, okay... I guess "I toldya so" just doesn't cut it for some of you out there. Well... it's true. Since you've last heard from me I've taken on a slightly obsessive relationship with the Sookie Stackhouse novels and True Blood. If you follow me on GoodReads you'll notice that I'm currently reading the book Definitely Dead. Love it! Just like all the others!


Erica made the mistake of letting me borrow the first season on DVD and I stayed up til 6 in the morning watching it. Seriously... can we say ADDICTED?


I'll take at least a dozen copies of the Fangtasia calendar for my house... one for every room. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have not a clue who is on the rest of the calendar since Eric is on January... GASP... I'm having a hard time breathing... is it hot in here?


So... are the rumors true about these two? Who knows? Hey... the thought of them getting it on is hot. So good for them...


Okay. Guilty pleasures. Hope you enjoyed the pix!
And welcome to my new readers out there... Hope you're enjoying the eye candy as well... if not... may I suggest a good therapist;)

Indulge me...

I warned you all... told you I was a fan... but you didn't listen.

(and btw... I fixed the link... this is the full trailer)

Michael Franti- All I Want Is You

(before you click play push pause on my playlist off to the right)

You didn't think I'd forgotten about Michael Franti did you? There are so many great versions of each song on the web but not all of the sound quality is that great so I decided to stick with the original on this one. I want you to know this is the last thing I'm watching tonight before bed...

Sweet dreams

(as the saying goes)

xoxo

Fucking Fab (They're referring to me in case you were wondering)

Thanks Ms. Salti! Okay... so I really do like getting bloggy awards... who doesn't. I guess for this one I need to list 5 things I'm obsessed with. And although I've just said I'm not obsessed with anything I guess technically that's not true...
Here we go...

The Naughty Monkies... Did you know that every time Taryn gets her hair washed now she wants me to take a picture. The child is a star. Too bad Hollywood is so far away... or too good depending on your views on child actors. I'm obsessed with my kids. They give me crazy anxiety but I can't imagine life without them. They're crazy cool. I love 'em!

Yes... I am a Twilight Fan. And yes, I just capitalized fan... deal. Very, very, very excited for the movie to come out. I don't know if I'll put up with the midnight screaming teenage girl crowds the night it comes out. But I will definitely go to see it at least once in the theater=) And I'm with Ms. Salti... the book was much better the second time through when you weren't rushing through to get to the end!

You could say I'm obsessed with my hubby. In a very healthy most of the time/ unhealthy once in a while sort of way. Hey, we're not all perfect! We do try. Even when we're having a rough time I miss him when he's not around. I crave his company and his touch.

Two more things... this is harder than I though and I don't have any more visual aids...
(will they continue reading?)

AHA!
Thanks to the miracle of modern technology I can now show you my next obsession...
Ms. Salti. I know. Some of you who are new to our little world might think that's a really strange thing to say. But let's put it this way... she's my other other half, my heterosexual life partner (HLP) so duh! of course I'm obsessed. I just consider myself lucky to get the things I'm obsessed with.

And last but not least...

My crackberry...
yes, the damned dirty ape. Just kidding booboo kitty shitz. Mommy loves you. Even though I drop you every time I get out of the car. I know! Grr! What did I do before texting?! Who knows. Love the crackberry... If you don't have one I'm just warning you now... they're a pain in the ass to get used to but once you do...

YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!

Love Me Unique... My daily dose of Franti=)

Hello loves... I have an otherwise non addictive personality... except in blogland. Join me in my adventures of discovery here as it pertains to Michael Franti. Found this one yesterday. This man is in a realm of his own. Hope you enjoy.
Aurs

Michael Franti- East To The West

This is a performance I found on Youtube from a festival in Ireland. These guys are just crazy good. I've been reading on their website all morning and I really enjoy what Franti says about playing different venues... you should go check it out. Of course... I could be a nice, advanced blogger and supply the link... hmm... or I could just leave the adventure to you=) It's not good to be lazy!
I know I said it before but the show here in Salt Lake was just so so so good. Wow. Such a great vibe. I can't believe it's taken me so long to see them.

Thanks!!

Huge THANKS to my pal Jana for giving me that fabulously tasty new coffee from 'bucks'... I brewed myself up some this morning and loved it! I usually use my french press but that has a tendency to let in a bit to much sludge at the bottom... and I didn't want to ruin the first cup! (yah, I think I need a new one) so I decided to pull out the old dripper... lo and behold it still works;)
Anyway... guess I won't be getting any spankings today...
and that's a good thing?! hahaha!
xoxo

I love my Burt's

I love my Burt's Bees. That fabulous familiar tingle on my lips that tells me nothing but all natural loveliness is starting to soothe my aching lips. Well, apparently my little demons love it too... but they have different plans for my Burt's... I have gone through no less than
6
Yes, 6, in the last year alone. Have I finished any of those? No! Because they've eaten them all! And what does a mama bear do when she's threatened...

Yes, I've growled... A LOT... I thought I finally had one that I was keeping pretty good tabs on.
UNTIL TODAY! Good Lord people! I was just tucking them in and the littlest thief grabs it out of my pocket and voila... half an hour later a half eaten stick is returned to me. So, now instead of growling... I resort to tantrum blogging...
Thanks for indulging me.

He's hairy and he can sing... I'm in love!

I can't wait to plan my garden!!

There you have it. If uncle sam says I must start a garden... then I must...

And this wise little garden gnome says veggie gardens are good for you too. I swear I'm not on drugs. I'm just tired and I really can't wait to get started on my vegetable garden! I'll keep you guys updated (if anyone cares... and if not... oh well I'm writing about it anyway).

Porn 'n Partners

I've lost count over the years of the number of friends and acquaintances who I've overheard tell stories of their husbands or boyfriends having a 'problem' with porn. I feel bad that they're not able to somehow find a way to incorporate it into the relationship. Okay... so I've had one friend out of all of them who figured out how to have fun with it... but that's a really small fraction! Don't get me wrong... if Trent could find nothing better to do with his days than sit around watching other people I'd get annoyed. Especially if the dishes were piling up and the kids weren't getting fed. But seriously... if couples could just find a way to make it part of 'playtime' I think they'd find a lot of their issues with porn would go away. Maybe that's a bit naive of me... but I hope there's at least a little truth to it.
I guess we sort of have to divide up 'porn' as well. I'm not talking about anything underage (OBVIOUSLY!) and sorry... but animals are out of the question too. Yes, I have morals!

I would venture a guess that many things in life that are considered taboo would be a lot less frowned upon if people could just talk about them in the open...
Well, give it a shot (pun intended). Start out simple and see where it goes.
And hey... if it's not for you... well at least you can say you tried it first.
Good luck in your adventures!
Mistress A.

I'm shameless and you love it!

I think it's a little funny that I've become one of 'those girls' that blogs about actors. Hmmm... I never really thought that would be me. After all, I grew up in Hollywood and acting was just another way to make a living. No big. Well. I'm proud to say that I'm on the bandwagon. Rob's bandwagon that is. I might just consider taking him on as a second husband... teeheehee.

I read his interview online with GQ and actually enjoyed it. I wish they would have put in a bit more of him and a little less of them... but what do you do? The pictures are stunning, of course=) I wonder if he'll continue to be one of those aloof actor/singer types or whether the void that is Hollywood will eventually suck him in.

Like I said... I'm a little jaded with the whole 'look at me... I'm famous' thing. Which is why I enjoy this lovely lad so much. I don't get that from him at all. It's refreshing. I know none of you are actually reading my blog right now (can't say I blame you)... you're just looking at the lovely pictures of our boy crush. Okay... he is a man... but still.

The picture above is probably in my top 3. I love close-ups. Especially when there seems to be so much emotion involved. Rob, if you wander my way in the blogging world... drop me a line k. (silently giggling to myself like a 12 year old)

I don't even know what to write... I have goosebumps.

Is it getting hot in here?! I seem to be losing my ability to form letters into words. Whew...

So... just a little advice to RP... from the daughter of a gay man. The lovely gay men of this world will rally behind anyone if the said person knows how to properly answer questions concerning all things gay. For instance:
example #1
reporter: "how did you enjoy doing that guy from behind in that scene?"
RP: "it was bloody brilliant! never been into men much in real life but I loved the chance to explore that side of myself!"
example #2
reporter: "masturbating in the corner while watching two men making love must have been a difficult moment for you to capture"
RP: "no, not at all! it was lovely watching those two beautiful creatures making love so passionately. it brought tears to my eyes."
I dare you to tell me I'm wrong.
Go ahead... I'm waiting. Just a little advice for your future interviews=) (laughing on the inside)

There are very few people in this world that I think make smoking look remotely sexy. #1 Brad Pitt... #2 Rob Pattinson.
Sorry... but I really just want to rip his clothes off there and be naughty. (ok, not really... I am married... but yah... kind of!)

Wow... wow... oh my... mmmmm... yikes... aaaah... ooooh....
Ok... I'm done=)

My Random Tuesday... (It's Tuesday, right?!)

I'll just get straight to the nitty gritty...Man... Rob... Whew. Now that I'm done with the Twilight series I just have to appreciate him for what he is... a good actor, singer, and boy toy. Nothing wrong with that...Of course I'll be a little upset when he doesn't show up on my doorstep tomorrow to fulfill his fantasies... but somehow I'll get over it.

Sometimes I feel a bit like a mad scientist in the kitchen. My sweet kids just put up with it... and it's a good thing otherwise they'd probably starve... (no not really) I love just opening up the cupboards and fridge and seeing what happens. I feel bad when people ask me for recipes for the random shit I make... because honestly... I have no idea how things turn out half the time. If it smells like it needs some rosemary... I throw it in. I don't know how much! Okay... to be fair... I use recipes sometimes. But only the first time I make something... and then I usually tweak it a bit the next time. Tonight was particularly delish... Penne pasta with fresh tomato, asparagus, rosemary, and basil tossed in. mmmmm... yummy

I dig this bra. If only I had the boobies to match it =( That's what I get for being a mean little shit when I was in high school and teasing my mom about having bigger boobs than she did. Now, three kids later, she has bigger, perkier boobs than me. Oh well. Karma's a bitch.

I've finally found a migraine med that seems to work for me... only problem is I feel a bit like this cute kitty here after I've taken in (note the unusually large pupils). I'm having to practice at being productive while taking it. For some reason my family seems adverse to the idea of me lounging around on the couch all day!?
Go figure.
Dear Diary,
When did I turn into a teenage girl and start dreaming about being abducted by and incredibly sexy vampire? I think my skin is getting more translucent by the day and I have the strange urge to bite my husband every now and then.
Sigh...
I've always wanted to live in the Pacific NW... I don't think that will ever happen now... but you never know. For those of you wondering... this is a picture of the forest in Forks, WA... and for those of you wondering what the significance is of that (sigh), let's just say it has something to do with a small obsession I seem to be dealing with these days. I'll explain to you in person if you're lost.

Happy Tuesday!