Vlog!!!

The Girls from Ms. Salti on Vimeo.

As we were winding down from a lovely evening at Ms. Salti's new casa we decided to record the festivities with a little something for our friends out there in bloggy land. Hope you enjoy as much as we did!!

kisses...

Bad Romance

So... The first time I watched this video I wasn't sure what to think. There are definitely elements of drop dead sex appeal with overwhelming waves of freak nasty. Then you actually get to see her face which isn't all that bad looking. As the hours rolled on I found myself wanting to watch it again... and again... I know. What's wrong with me?! Maybe if I share it with you I'll be able to stop myself?

UPDATE: they removed it so you'll just have to google it and find it yourself=)

So distracted...

Hello loves...
I've been busy looking at this picture for months now...

Maybe it's time for an intervention?

I shall try to make it around to all of your blogs but I can't promise anything that will take me away from it...

=)

Have a lovely day!

Auri

Jason Segel... wild, weird, and wonderful

So if you haven't seen Knocked Up or I Love You Man... let me just tell you that Jason Segel is worth the alliteration. He is so quirky... so interesting... I dig 'im man!! And yes, he is totally 'my type' and I find him irresistibly sexy. True enough. Enjoy this little clip... I did=)

I gave in...

Hello my loves. No... I didn't give in and cut my hair. I love cutting my hair, that part was easy! I gave in and joined Face Book... ya, ya... you're all wondering what the big fucking deal is? Well, the big fucking deal is that now I've got one more way of trying to stay connected with all you people. It's pretty fun... I have to admit... I'm a little addicted to the crack they call Farm Ville. The girls at work got me hooked. Wasn't my fault. Talk to them. I'm weak. Blah, blah, blah.

So... crazy weather around these parts lately. One minute I've got the AC pumping and the next I've got my new Mountain Hard Wear fleece zipped up to my chin (yes I'm name dropping and totally bragging but it was a bday present and I'm allowed to brag now and then). Welcome to the land of the Great Salty Lake.

And yes... I use foul language on occasion. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and I put a warning on it. This is not a journal I'm keeping for my kids... this is for me (and you too baby... of course!)

So... I feel like a neglectful Mistress. But that's part of the game is it not?! You've all been very, very naughty monkeys and I'm punishing you! (I must be careful... it's very easy to enjoy the power trip a little too much and get lost in character).

Did I mention I miss Miss Salti? Well, I do. I might cry. She's gone from Monday to Friday every damn week and all I get are the weekends which of course she shares with everyone else (and herself). Where is she you ask? I'm sure she blogs about it... go read her.

So. I have no more Sookie books to read (ya, I'm a huge nerd and read them all in about 2 weeks)... no more True Blood to watch until next season... no new Twilight to read or watch...

WTF people!!?

I'm having withdrawals. Could you tell? No?
Then you are an idiot and it's time you were punished;)
(see how easy that is... you must try it sometime... very fun).

Okay. I'm just apparently rambling. I worked last night and got a two hour nap today. I've been setting up my Face book account and playing farm ville with the kids all day along while attempting to maintain my cool, keep them fed, dressed, and in the proximity of my property. I think I've had about all I can handle today. I could maybe handle a good stiff...

Oh well you know;)

till next time...

Mistress A

A Girl Can Dream...

Wanted:

Sugar Daddy...

You know... the usual. Just someone to pay the bills so I can spend more time doing things around the house with the kids.



Maybe he could provide a nanny so I could take a vacation to some humble location now and then?


If you know anyone who would be interested... let me know;)

Mistress A

Contradictions

I had to put up with 8 years of this horrible public speaker. Eight. Luckily I wasn't in public school at the time. But if I had been I would have dutifully zoned out along with everyone else. Because that's what you do if you don't want to listen to something. Today I read a note that came home with my second grader from his Principal:

"Random School" Parents,
Random School students will have the opportunity to watch President Obama's speech on Tuesday september 8th, live at 10:00 a.m., in the Multi-Purpose Room.

However, should you prefer your child not participate in this experience, e-mail (principal's email address) and your request will be honored.

Thank you,
Merry

Here's my response:

Hi Merry!
We absolutely love being apart of Random School. My son, Tristan, is in second grade in Ms. H's class. I know you only requested that people email you if they wish that their child not take part in the President's address to children but I thought I would write to express the other side of that. I can't recall a time all throughout my school age or within the last couple of decades when parents have been given the option to 'opt out' of having their children listen to the President speak on TV. I think the right to choose is a lovely thing but unfortunately in this case I feel like it shows our children that what their President has to say is not important. Has the outcry from parents been so severe that Random School felt it was necessary to follow this media fueled trend? I am just an equally concerned and curious parent and would like to know.

Aside from that... Thanks for all of your hard work! It's apparent in the teachers and our beautiful school what a great job you do around there! I have other friends with children in various charter schools and I have to say that I think ours is hands down the best;)
Take care,
Auri

Consider Me Bitten... or "Hey Sookie, Sookie"

Okay, okay... I guess "I toldya so" just doesn't cut it for some of you out there. Well... it's true. Since you've last heard from me I've taken on a slightly obsessive relationship with the Sookie Stackhouse novels and True Blood. If you follow me on GoodReads you'll notice that I'm currently reading the book Definitely Dead. Love it! Just like all the others!


Erica made the mistake of letting me borrow the first season on DVD and I stayed up til 6 in the morning watching it. Seriously... can we say ADDICTED?


I'll take at least a dozen copies of the Fangtasia calendar for my house... one for every room. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have not a clue who is on the rest of the calendar since Eric is on January... GASP... I'm having a hard time breathing... is it hot in here?


So... are the rumors true about these two? Who knows? Hey... the thought of them getting it on is hot. So good for them...


Okay. Guilty pleasures. Hope you enjoyed the pix!
And welcome to my new readers out there... Hope you're enjoying the eye candy as well... if not... may I suggest a good therapist;)

First Love... The Story

Sitting in church one warm summer day, two rows up from the back where they always sat, she wondered if there would be anyone in this new neighborhood to befriend her. She listened, though not intently, to what the speakers were saying and sang the songs that she was told. Being somewhat young she could not help but look around at the people behind her. To her surprise there sat a family with two very handsome boys and a girl slightly younger than she was. She felt a surge of excitement, and also slight embarrassment, as she turned back around in her pew and finished the remainder of the meeting.

Their house was always open, which was a welcome change because hers was always closed (in more ways than one). She found herself wondering how anyone could be so lucky to grow up with parents that were so open and understanding. Not that her parents weren’t, her real parents at least. Her step-dad was a douche and ever since her mother had been remarried she had searched for various means to occupy her time outside of the house. This new family that she had more or less adopted became many things to her. But the youngest boy, Scott, held her interest in a way that she had not yet experienced.

He was two years her senior and easily the only 17 year old in the neighborhood that could grow a full beard. For some reason this intrigued her. She spent hours each night at their house as all the neighborhood kids came over to play night games that had been passed down from generations of kids as a means of getting yourself into dark corners with that ‘certain’ someone. It was apparent that he was the most coveted of that age in the group but he wanted nothing to do with the other girls. Renee was still new at this but she felt that his eyes often held conversations with her mind that she was not yet privy to.

After an evening of games several of the group lingered as Scott revealed that he had ‘borrowed’ his uncle’s motorcycle for the weekend. It had been hiding in the undergrowth up at the park where the last few kids remained. He looked directly at her with those deep blue eyes that were barely visible under his long brown hair as he asked if she’d like to go out for a ride. For only a moment she stopped to wonder if he was trustworthy enough to follow, but that thought quickly subsided and was replaced by deep oceans of longing in his eyes.

He stepped up to the old bike and kick started it. New emotions rippled over her as she watched his powerful body maneuver the machine with ease. She was also quite aware of the jealous stares from the forgotten harem of girls that he had so obviously disregarded by asking her out on a ride instead of them. For the first time in her short life she found that she could not care less about what they thought or what was right. She threw her right leg over the bike with ease as she slid onto the seat behind him. Her body slid down toward his as she wrapped her arms tightly around his torso and buried her head into his back.

He smelled like a mixture of soap and gasoline. She guessed that was from the time that he and his father spent working on cars in the garage. The smell was new and intoxicating to her. She had shorts, a long sleeved shirt on and an old pair of flip-flops. The breeze across her legs caused the delicate hairs on her thighs to stand on end. It was either that or the incredibly good looking man between her legs, or the fact that she was on a motorcycle with a boy for the first time in her life without her mother’s permission. How could one be certain in times like these what the actual cause of goose bumps was?

As they drove up toward an old road that overlooked the city she enjoyed the feeling of the bike accelerating beneath her and the wind as it blew gently threw her long hair. Her body moved effortlessly with his as they turned on to the higher street. She tightened her thighs around him not wanting to fall but also a little cold as the night air began to cool the higher up they went. He pulled off of the road to the left and turned the engine off.

At first they were silent. She shivered slightly against him as the mountain air rushed off of the peaks and down upon her excited body. He took hold of her right hand and pulled the sleeve up her arm exposing her fingers. “Here” he said, “put them here on the tank and you’ll warm up.” Slowly he repeated the process with her left hand lingering over her fingers as they warmed on the tank between his legs. He reached back and placed a hand on each of her thighs. “You’re cold.” This was the first time she had ever felt his hands. She would never forget the rough calluses on his palms and fingertips that could only come from hard manual labor. His fingers tickled her legs as he rubbed up to her shorts line and back down toward her knees in an attempt to warm her.

Rene could not help but be overwhelmed by the butterflies that had grown in her stomach at this point. Was she imagining this? He ran his hands down her legs now from the knees toward her ankles and back up along the inside of her thighs. Absolutely sure that she was not mistaking his touches for kindness she rested her lips on his neck. She removed her hands, which were now plenty warm, from the tank and placed them on his. As their fingers intertwined and continued to caress her legs she tightened around him.

He reached his hand around and cradled her head in his powerful hands. He angled back to look at her. Those eyes! In this moment she was more connected to him than she’d ever been to anyone before. He turned around to face her on the bike and lifted her legs above his. Rene smiled coyly at Scott as he pulled her closer to him. He placed his head on her chest for only a moment and then began to run his nose along her neck and up her jaw line. He stared at her again briefly and then embraced her as his lips gently found hers. They explored each other’s lips and mouths for what felt like hours. He was always gentle but increasingly passionate. Occasionally he would find his way to her earlobe and get lost in her neck for a while. She found herself breathing in the air that surrounded him as if it was a new drug. Her body was electric and her hands couldn’t get enough of exploring their new territory.

She could feel his body pulling closer to hers but he was always careful with her. She was young and Scott was her first for many things to come. This would be the first time she felt her heart begging to escape from her chest. The first time she couldn’t bear the thought of being without someone. This would be her first motorcycle ride, first make out spot, and first time never having wanted the night to end. Yes, he would surely be her first of a long list but the only first that really mattered was the first person that Rene had ever fallen in love with.

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket (Toy Reviews, Edition 1)

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket. Do you know why this little gem is number 4 on Adam & Eve's most popular mini-vibrator list? Hmm? Because ladies and gents, it's small, it's waterproof, it's versatile, it doesn't have cords, and it packs one hell of a punch as far as orgasms are concerned.

I thought I would start out the much anticipated Toy Reviews with my personal favorite. Only fair?! Remember back to my quiz? Well, you must first understand what stimulates you. Typically this type of vibrator is used for clitoral stimulation but might I also recommend a little teasing (without penetration) of the backdoor? I know... some of you are blushing a mad shade of red right about now. It's also very titillating for the nipples. The tip is removable and reveals three silver balls. I prefer using it this way. The cap just makes it a little too irritating for me (personal preference). Most of these models come with several kinds of caps that produce different sensations so get creative!

Be sure to remember that it's waterproof. That's right... WATERPROOF... meaning that it's fully submersible. So go run a bath... put on your favorite soaking tunes... and let the real party begin! My husband bought me a book a while back entitled Toy Gasms.

If you haven't seen or heard of this little book... GO PICK IT UP RIGHT NOW. Really... this isn't like my fascination with Twilight, people. This is life changing! Sadie has so many different tips on using toys alone or with your partner. Some of my best ideas have come from this book. It's small and full of great illustrations! You can pick it up at Amazon.com.

So... for those of you who like things in a neat little package (and I know you're out there)

Ease of Use:
5/5

Durability:
5/5

'O' Factor:
5/5

Price:
4/5

That gives our little Toy a 19/20... Not too shabby! Even if you're not usually a clitorally stimulated kind of person I would recommend this along with your usual play just to spice things up a bit.

So... go out there... have some fun...

And be safe!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well hey there... Ms. Salti here, and I bet you're wondering what the hell I'm doing over here today.

I need to give y'all a little back story as to why I'm co-blogging with the Mistress. A little while back we decided to start doing toy reviews. After discussing our strategy we hit a few roadblocks. First, we don't own all the same toys. Second, we're not going to be sharing our toys. Third, how would we go about doing our posts/reviews? We deliberated for a bit and decided to do all the posts over here on her blog. We also decided to take turns doing reviews and then weigh in on the other's product of the week. So, that's what I'm doing here today... I'm gonna give you my two cents...

This isn't the exact one I got, but I wanted to show you what the caps look like!

Auri has gone on and on about her favorite little go-to, orgasm creator, and being the curious girl I am, I went and bought one for myself. I knew it wasn't exactly the same one, but it was close. I got it home and tried all the different caps that came with it... you know, the ones Auri described above. But sadly, I can't say it did much for me. I may be able to orgasm on a dime (hmmm... that creates an interesting visual) but I'm a girl that needs a bit more stimulation (i.e., more than one small area being stimulated).

I really gave it a valiant effort, I promise. I just couldn't make it work. I guess I should have read the book Auri has. Maybe she'll let me borrow it (hint, hint). So guess what I did with the little pleasure-maker? I threw it away. No sense keeping something I wasn't going to use, right? And I sure as hell couldn't sell it on eBay.

So there you have my opinion on Auri's favorite toy. Stay tuned next week for the review of my favorite toy. If you have any questions in the meantime, you know where to find us!

Until then...

All our love,

AND THE WINNER IS...

Congrats to Jaime!!


She's the winner of my Smack-Alicious Spatch-Tacular Mistress Spatula Giveaway!! She's won herself a lovely pink spatula... and when I get my shit together I'll take a picture of it. But this post is all about Jaime and the extra fabulous, naughty, freaking hilarious, iced-tea spewing story that she entered.
Jaime has a wonderful blog entitled Red Red Whine. She's a brilliant writer, attorney, mommy, etc., etc., etc., (I know... don't hate her just yet).

Thank you so much to those of you who entered your fabulous stories! I enjoyed reading them all! There are a bunch of talented writers out there and I hope this encouraged you to get writing!

Without further adieu. Here is the story you've all been waiting for...

It was hell week.

All over campus, people were finding new and inventive ways to embarrass, harass and abuse their pledges. Monday night was almost comedic, if it had not been so stressful. The bus down to frat row was full of terrified pledges, each dressed for their house's meeting and prominently displaying their pledge pin on their lapel. If you listened closely, each pledge was mumbling the words to their creed under their breath. Looking back, the scene was ridiculous. But in the moment, we were all bonded by the shared terror and desperation of the moment. No one wanted to be "that pledge" who couldn't remember the words to the creed. No one wanted to know what fate would meet them if they flubbed the sacred words.


Friday night was the lock in.
The last day of pledging, where we went from pledge to neophyte and FINALLY to sister. I missed the last damn game of the '96 world series for these people. That bit of bitterness carried over into all of the hell week activities. Who the hell are these bitches to haze me in a test of my fucking loyalty. I gave up my ticket to see the Yanks clinch the series! What more proof do you need?!?!


The pledge educator excitedly announced that skit night was beginning in 30 minutes and we would each have to star in at least 2 of the skits. I quickly scanned the list and proclaimed (first and loudest) that i would *not* be doing the fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally. I considered it a small consolation that I ended up in the paddling scene from Animal House. Nothing could be more embarrassing than faking an orgasm in a room of 100 people - so I considered myself lucky.


So, I stood in the center of the stage and waited for my cue. The lines were simple. But my partner decided to go off script, tearing off my dress so I was standing before the entire house in nothing but my bra and panties. "On your knees bitch!" she screamed, forcing me down on my hands and knees. We were WAY off script now.

Then I caught a glimpse of her grabbing something off the table. "Face front, pledge!" I whipped my head around quickly doing as I was ordered.

"Do you wish to join the sisterhood?" she called in a loud voice.

"Um...I guess."

"YOU GUESS?" she roared. "YOU GUESS?? Pledge, you must be punished."

She finally slammed the wooden handle of the pink spatula against my ass.

damn that hurt.

but i managed to choke out my line: "thank you sir. may i have another?"

fucking pledging.

what a pain in the ass.

What have I been doing?

We took the kids camping last week up to the Uintahs. We planned to be gone for 4 days but ended up coming back after 2. Seems like it was a bit lofty of a goal to take 3 kids camping that long on their first trip. Maybe more so for us than them?

Ms. Salti and I hung out the other night and watched a little So You Think You Can Dance. Of course there were tears involved. She was kind enough to paint my toes...


The kids and I have been visiting the hubby at work on the weekends here and there and occasionally he'll take us for rides on the golf cart... here's Tristan's face behind my new blinged out, way too pink toes, while we're riding on the cart.

This little garden of mine takes a good bit of time every day... just depending on how much damage the kids, wind, or weeds have evoked upon on it. I love working in the garden. It seems criminal to call it work. My favorite thing lately has been tomato and cucumber salad... mmmm. In this pic I paired that with the yellow squash fritters (or latkes) I made. Very tasty, despite what Alex from Cooking for Assholes says.


My basement is getting closer to done every day. The painter says he's priming tomorrow (we'll see) so that means only another 5 months (okay, maybe a week) and the painting should be done. Then the floorboards and carpet get laid. I just said get laid. I'm so clever.

You're lucky, that's about as much of a sense of humor as I've had all week. Now you see why I've been MIA.

My dad finished moving out today. That's been pretty rough. I don't really feel this is the place to go into it. But suffice it to say... between that and having my period I'm just not my usual exciting self today.

Sorry folks.

Maybe later;)

GOOD NEWS ON THE SPATULA CONTEST!!
I have chosen a winner!! I will announce the winner in my next post and will be sending their special spatula within the week! Who could it be??
Stay tuned to find out!!

Eternal Starling

I'm so excited right now I can barely type! A long time friend of ours from College, Angela Corbett, just emailed me out of the blue with the exciting new that she's just finished the first book out of a trilogy that she's working on and it's being published in November! The name of the book is Eternal Starling...
She explains it all much better than I would but please, please, please give her page a looksie. She is putting a chapter a week up on her site to give readers a chance to preview the book before it's available. If she gets enough hits on her site the publishing company will make the book available in stores as well as online...

SO PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT!!

Tell your friends...

I read the first chapter and am absolutely craving the second. I practically begged her to purchase the book now. (I hate waiting!)

(are you still sitting there drinking your coffee? GO! NOW!)

Mi Casa Es Su Casa...

Welcome my lovelies!
As you walk through my front door you'll notice the little sign above the kitchen door which reads "Mi Casa Es Su Casa" (translation: my house is your house).
So, without further adieu... take your shoes of and come on in!

Just to your right there is our little sitting area/laptop nook. This is where I sit and read all of your clever blogs while I look out that window and am grateful that I'm in here and not out there on hot days like today!!
Yes, it's a little messy...
Yes, that's a Passion Iced Tea from Starbucks...
Yes, that's a lava lamp...

Straight through the doorway is my itsy bitsy kitchen where I will create for you an exquisite masterpiece... I don't often use cookbooks but the few I happen to have are in boxes right now because we have mold abatement going on in the basement... long story.
But no worries! The air is clean and my kitchen is always open.
Perhaps I'll make you the squash penne I referred to in this post? Or, if squash isn't your thing I can whip up a little homemade marinara... Ms. Salti has been kind enough to give you all that recipe!

Due to my lack of cupboard space... or my ever increasing amount of kitchen paraphernalia... I have a wire rack in the kitchen with all of my tools, spices, entertaining dishes, bake ware, the bread-maker is on the bottom (don't tell anyone I use it!).

Where are my manners?! Let me get you something to drink... I have to admit I'm a little cleaned out after the bachelorette party I just attended. I would not recommend drinking the cooking vermouth. Patron happens to be my favorite but I also have some beer in the fridge along with a healthy supply of SoBes.

Here's the garden where I'll be picking some of our veggies for dinner tonight. Maybe you'd like to go and commune with the honeybees?
Hey... enough Patron and I'll commune with anything you put in front of me!

Or maybe you'd like to have a sit on my favorite swing under our large Catalpa tree? The shade cools things off nicely.

If you're like me you like to put on a little music while cooking... and if you can't find something in our collection then you don't like music. This is just the CD collection too... the records are on the floor. I didn't take a picture of those!
Here are some of my faves...

Recognize anything you like?
no? Too bad... you can leave now;)
hahahaha... just kidding... I'm bad at picking favorite music and movies! I have a lot!!

Now that dinner is ready let's throw on a movie while we eat. Here are a few I thought you might like...


I tried to pick a little something for everyone... it's so hard to please people these days!! Picky, picky=)

All of my books are in boxes as well (mold abatement) but if you look to the right of my blog there... down a bit... you'll see my book montage with a list of a few of the things I've read. I've conveniently left out all of the ever boring books that make me look as smart as I am. You don't need me to tell you that. Only dull people brag about how intelligent they are by showing off with their old college books;) tee hee hee . Nothing but love!
Someday I will take a picture of my bookshelf when it is back up and running.

Well... I hope you've enjoyed your evening as my guest. I enjoyed having you.
Stop by again sometime!!

Summer Lovin'

It was going to be a long summer. Of that she was sure. She took the long plane ride Southeast to Florida to be with her dad for several weeks. She always enjoyed the summers with her dad but the older she got the more she missed the time away from her friends, boyfriends, and the creature comforts that the home of her mother afforded her.

It was muggy when she landed, no shit. When wasn't it muggy and hot during a Florida summer? At 3 o'clock sharp each day the skies would open up and the large Romanesque clouds would roll in off of the Atlantic and drop their payload above the sleepy town of West Palm Beach.

Renee had finally grown into her body this year. She wasn't a late bloomer by any stretch of the imagination but being 2 years younger than everyone she knew made it seem that way. She was a little taller than average, slender build, with curvy boobs and a small, round ass that she loved to admire in the mirror in her favorite pair of Levis 501's. Her hair was long, chocolate brown with sun kissed highlights around the crown of her face.

The few trips that they had taken to the beach were fruitless. She thought they would be bustling with young surfers (her favorite brand of naughty) but instead they were peppered with the occasional retiree and middle aged tourist. For the love of God! Her hormones were going to bust out of this new body of hers and she had nobody to share them with. All she longed for was someone to hold the small of her back while they kissed her earlobes. She laid on her straw mat in the hot sun and rested her fingertips in the sand. As it tickled the insides of her fingers her thighs began to sweat and she couldn't help but think of him.

The boy she left at home was ever present for Renee. She would put on her chap stick and taste his plump lips on her tongue. As her fingers straightened the straps of her bra she could feel his rough hands gently pulling them off her shoulders as he whispered in her ear. There was never a moment she would touch her own body that his shadow was not there mirroring her actions.

This was unbearable! She had to find a distraction or the sand was going to turn into a plate of glass beneath her.

Luckily her dad decided that they would go on a road trip to visit some friends of the family for the fourth of July. It wasn't exactly the distraction she had in mind but she was sure that a road trip would be better than lying in the sun all day staring at her half-naked, oily body. It just reminded her of how badly she wanted those rough hands caressing her.

Upon their arrival she was surprised to find not only their friends but several other families that she had not expected... new faces. Good looking, young faces.
John was the first to catch her eye. He was tall, muscular, light brown skin, and incredible green eyes that immediately left a red glow on her cheeks that would remain for the rest of the trip. The other was Ben. Sweet farm boy with all American features and a tall slender build.

Immediately Ben was in his element taking Renee horseback riding and hiking. They walked for hours around the property not talking much but enjoying each other's company. That evening they sat on the porch and John cam to sit next to Renee. He easily joined in the conversation and captivated her attention for the rest of the night.

After Ben had gone home they moved down to the fire pit to talk a little more. He noticed that she had gotten cold and moved closer to her. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders without any effort she nestled into his muscular chest and took a deep breath of his intoxicating smell. Her thoughts started to cloud over and her breathing grew heavy. He traced the line of her jaw. He told her that she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. He asked if he could kiss her lips as his breath brushed across her forehead. The words could not escape her mouth but she was drawn to him.

She straddled his lap, kissing him slowly and deliberately. Careful not to miss out on the details of his perfect mouth. His hands moved to cup her ass (good boy) and pulled every inch of her body that much closer to his. Her lips left his only to wander over to the earlobe of his left ear. First just a kiss, then she held it gently between her lips as the tip of her tongue caressed it. His breathing quickened underneath her -knowing that she could cause such a reaction in him- so she moved down his neck and repeated the dance on the opposite side.

John's hands moved from her lower back up her shirt and traced the curvature of her spine. A move that drover her wild and instantly sent goose bumps across her body. He reached up and grabbed her ponytail, gently tugging backward on it to reveal her neck and soft cleavage. Each kiss left her breath more shallow, yearning for something more. Her hips began to move gradually and he matched her movement as his hands pulled her down with firm pressure upon his lap.
With one hand on her hip and one tangled in her now free hair he pulled her soft lips back to his once more as she felt a soft sigh escape his lips.

Dawn was coming over the forested hills and lighting the lake next to them. John wished that he had his suit so they could go for a swim. Without a second thought she walked onto the dock and shed the clothes that she'd been so longing to for hours now. He gazed at her beauty as she dove into the cool water. He sat at the end of the dock with his feet in the water as she let her cold nipples tickle his shins.

When she was ready to get out he wrapped her in a towel and kissed her more passionately than she had ever been kissed before or would ever be for years to come.

My Little Yellow Crooky Bastards and a Recipe!

I started out my veggie garden by tilling almost half of the grass in the back yard. You should have seen my dad, Trent, and I all out there with this big ass tiller digging up grass that had probably been there since the house was built in 1941.

I was sore for the next week.

My dad suggested black plastic but the people at Home Depot swore they didn't have any (which I later found out they did... that's another story) and so we went with the 30 year guarantee weed cloth and covered the soil. I started out small. 3 tomatoes (cherry, Roma, and some variety that is supposed to be in a pot), 2 burpless cucumbers, 1 green bell pepper, 2 yellow squash and 1 yellow crookneck squash, 1 butternut squash, and 1 watermelon.

The bastard snails took the watermelon, butternut squash, 1 yellow squash, and a cucumber... but at that point I decided to get smart and pull out the snail bait. The large bowls of beer just weren't killing enough for my needs. We had a major invasion going on. Did I mention that my neighbors to the back killed my amazing mature green seedless grapes? If I did, I'm mentioning it again because it sucks and I'm still pissed and no I haven't talked to them about it yet because I'm still afraid I might cry.

So... The tomatoes are massive. I decided not to stake them up but they're going crazy and as of yet I've only had a handful of little cherries ripen. I ate them this morning without taking a pic first. They were incredible. Full of rich peppery flavor. So salty. Still warm and firm to the bite. Oh lord I'm salivating just thinking about them.

The first bell pepper left something to be desired... I've never had a pepper with tough skin before out of a garden so I'm not sure what's happening there. I guess I'll have to visit the garden god at the local store.

We ate the cucumber sliced up with dinner the other night. I drizzled it with lime juice and sprinkled a little kosher salt on top. Soooo tasty. I've heard you can add things to the soil with cucumbers to make them even more flavorful... any thoughts? Guess I have some homework to do.

The squash are by far my little gems of the garden this year. Since the picture here I've pulled 20 more out of the garden all as lovely as the first. Some people let them grow too big and they lose all of their flavor and get too fibrous. I like to pick them a little on the small side. So far I've had the best luck with my summer pasta:

2 yellow crook neck squash
1 zucchini
1 sweet onion (vidalia if available)
several cloves of garlic sliced thin
2 cups of cubed fresh banana squash
1/4 cup or so of EV Olive oil
S&P to taste
1/4 tsp Nutmeg
1 box Penne pasta

Slice all fresh ingredients in large pan before turning on the stove. Add oil over top. Turn to med-hi heat and lightly toss veggies to coat with oil. Add salt, pepper and nutmeg. Toss again to coat. Do not molest veggies too often or they'll fall apart. Leave lid on for the first 5 minutes. The banana squash needs a little steaming in the beginning to soften. You'll want to cook it all about 15 minutes until the veggies are soft and soaking up the olive oil. Keep an eye on the bottom squash in the pan as they tend to brown. You may need to turn your heat down a little depending on your stove. When the veggies are about done put your water on to boil. Add a little salt and EV Olive oil to pasta water. Boil penne about 11 minutes until al dente or firm to the bite. Strain but do not rinse or shake all of the water out of the strainer. Return Penne to bowl and add veggies to pasta mixing gently. Serve with healthy amount of fresh parmiggiano reggiano grated on top and there you have it!

It's a nice sweet pasta. Definitely light and summery. Lots of fresh ingredients and super fast to throw together. Let me know if you try it out!

Don't forget to read the previous post for my Mistress Spatula Contest!

Mistress A

The Smack-alicious Spatch-tacular Mistress Spatula Giveaway!

Good day Naughties...

Yes, I've been a bad bloggy monkey lately. Outside playing in the garden. They take even more work than this damned dirty blog does. What the fuck was I thinking starting a garden and a blog all in the same year?

Anyway,
on to the contest...

One lucky winner will receive a personalized Pink Spatula from Mistress Auri Inc. for doing the following:

Write your very own naughty little story including said spatula...

Think it sounds easy? tsk tsk.

Okay then... Start writing... all you readers in the shadows... yes, I know who you are, I know you're there, and I know where you sleep (yes, that was creepy, I'm sorry). I want you all to write me your little stories. I like naughty stories but they don't have to be any particular brand of naughty... if you make my Passion iced tea sprout out of my nose because I start laughing so hard... I will consider you as well.

There you have it...

Submit all stories to:

auri.wann@gmail.com

I will gladly, proudly, fanatically, post the winner on my blog in a special post of their own when I have received all the stories and decided who to crown.

"Auri" you say... "this is so biased"... "you are an unfair judge and will surely pick Ms. Salti since she is your heterosexual life partner or Mr. Gorilla Bananas since you have told us all that his blog is one of your favorites"... Rubbish darlings! I give all players in this little game a fair chance. Plus, I made the game... I'm providing the booty... I make the rules. And as my favorite saying goes:

"Put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

Now... go and win yourself (or your sassy Asian wife) a spatula!!

Toe Bling, Entourage, and What's Next...

I've been enjoying the outdoors lately so I've just been playing catch up today on your lovely blogs. You all are a funny bunch of characters! Ms. Salti and I have been going way overboard on the toe bling lately. No, this is not black... it's some deep dark plum color (I'm bad with the clever names OPI uses... ask her what it is) that I can't stop wearing. I love it. That's Season 5 of Entourage in the background of the very out of focus picture there. I've never watched the show on TV because we don't have HBO but Erica always provides the DVDs for me. This was a record... I watched season 5 in 3 days... remember I have a life? I love that show. Too fucking funny. If you haven't watched it and you enjoy good writing, naughty humor, and a little Hollywood drama... it's a good one to check out.

So... what to expect from Mistress Auri...

#1 Ms. Salti and Mistress Auri write toy reviews...
We are going to review what we have (which is a lot)... if you'd like to donate to the collection we are taking new (that's never before used, gifted in the original packaging) toys that you would like our opinion on because you are leery of trying them yourself. If you don't want to gift them to us because you are cheap you might ask nicely and we may purchase them because we are curious ourselves... but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. =)

#2 The First Ever Mistress Auri - Spatula Giveaway!!

That's right... I started out as Mistress Spatula and in an upcoming post you'll learn how one lucky reader will win my original pink spatula! Oh believe me... you'll have to work for it...

# 3 My very first harvest from the very first veggie garden in our very first house!!
I know, you can hardly contain your excitement. Well, I can't and it's my blog so that's really all that matters. Sorry, feisty today. I'm blaming it on the hormones. All of my patients do so why can't I? I'll be sure to take pics of the little lovelies and write all about them.

More to come... =)

My Honest Scrap Smells Like Roses! (honest)

My sexy bloggy friend over at Confessionsofasocialwhore, Mia Dickinson, tagged me and left me the Honest Scrap award. Thanks Mia! You're a peach. Which means you're lovely (just in case it means something not so complimentary over there in the land of Your Majesty).

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Just like to point out that Mia did not tell me that I got the award... which is usually not an issue since I'm stuck like glue to her fab blog... but... I got distracted by the lack of sleep and work schedule and happened to miss the one post in which I was mentioned. The story of my life. Oh well... I've made up for it now.

On with the honest scrap...
#1- I don't have any anal toys and I won't ever unless someone purchases one for me and then I swear I will never use it.

#2- I once had the opportunity during spring break in San Diego with Ms. Salti (when I was 17) to have sex with a gorgeous, extremely well endowed, black man and I chickened out because he was so big. Hello! I was still fairly naive and had no clue how that would work with this.

#3- I am now reading the Twilight series for the third time. I can't stop. It's like an addictive drug and I don't want to stop either. I'm almost embarrassed about it... but not quite (depends on who I'm talking to). It's all Ms. Salti's fault. Were it not for her prodding I wouldn't have gone to see the movie in the first place, never would have purchased the books, never would have gotten obsessed. It's a sickness. Please don't judge me. I judge myself (and my husband gives me shit enough for all of you, I promise).

#4- I have a total crush on Megan Fox. You know, the chick from Transformers. We just went to see the movie yesterday and I think she's officially on my "I'm not a Lesbian but if she were to ask me to be I might have to apologize to my husband and jump ship" list. Wow. I'm at a loss for words.

#5- On our first road trip together hubby and I had sex at just about every rest stop from here to Seattle. We can recommend our favorite to anyone caring to recreate the journey.

#6- There's a dark side of me that wants to yell obscenities and kick the shit out of random people being assholes.

#7- I have lived in Italy twice. Once when I was a baby for about a year and a half. The last was for several months while I was 17 and I got to hang out on the set of U-571 where my dad was working on the set.

#8- I have some cellulite on my ass. Fuck you, don't laugh.

#9- I have better orgasms than you do... (if you'd care to argue I dare you to prove it)

#10- I just put out multiple large bowls of beer. For the snails. Not to be kind. If you've missed previous posts you have missed that I tried to be nice before by collecting them and putting them in a little terrarium in the house but now it's war. They're eating everything in my garden and I'm pissed! I hope they enjoy getting sloshed before they die.

Okay... now to tagging others. 10 people is kind of a lot. Hmmm...

1. Jana- She's kind of new to the world of blogging and I can't wait to hear some of her honest scrap.
2. Sarcastically Bitter- A lovely nurse up in Canada... bet she's got some scrap up her sleeve.
3. Mr. Condescending- He's just beyond honest all the time anyway... but hell... let's see what he'll come up with.
4. Becoming Kate- She has plenty of stories and some crazy life experiences... tell us some more hun!
5. In the Head of Em- I've been there once or twice... maybe you'll be lucky enough to get inside?
6.The Trainwreck Chronicles- She's wicked, she's funny... she's also a bigshot now... so let's see if she really responds.
7.Noelle- Can you handle the truth from a 5th grade teacher? They're scary when they take their hair down...

Okay... that's all I've got. The other people either have already gotten this or don't post stuff like this on their blogs...

We love you Mikey... oh yes we do...

We've been watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe for a long time around our house and I just realized that I've never actually posted about him. Shame. Forgive me. So... in honor of my first post about the beloved Mike Rowe and this fantastic show I thought I would pick a clip that not only shows the beauty of what Mike gets to do but also combines a little of what I get to do (okay, that's a bit of a stretch... but you'll see what I mean).

There's nothing better than a well educated man with a sense of humor that doesn't mind getting dirty who cleans up well afterward. Scrumptious! The kids were referring to him as 'Mommy's guy' for a while because we watched the show so much... that kind of pissed my husband off a little. I had to have a talk with the kids about only calling Mike Rowe that when daddy was at work... otherwise daddy might not be so happy about us watching Dirty Jobs so often. The kids were very understanding. I now get them to help out with jobs around the house by starting out with "this is just like that job that Mike Rowe does on Dirty Jobs!" It works every time!


And as for the sweet male farmer commenting on whether or not the cow felt pain or not...

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN BIRTH MY FRIEND? BECAUSE NO AMOUNT OF ENDORPHINS, NATURAL OR MAN MADE CAN DULL THAT PAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE AN EPIDURAL!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I know he was only trying to seem like he knew how the cow felt. But did she look like she was having a good time? Did you see the way she was mooing? I'm no cow whisperer... but I'd like to think that giving birth as a mammal is a pretty universal experience. Just saying.

By the way... a month or so ago my patient's dad offered to have me come and help out with the calving season on their ranch. I wanted to go do it so badly! Couldn't you just see me?! A cow midwife=) All dressed up in my Dickie's, hair in a little bandanna, and just about as happy as a pig in shit! Too bad I never got his phone number. That would have been a blast!

Anyway. Hope you're not too badly damaged by the video. I know how the picture of the placenta affected some of you (snicker, snicker).

"Now let's get ready, to get dirty!"

Why Nobody Pets the Lion at the Zoo

by John Ciardi

The morning that the world began

The Lion growled a growl at Man.

And I suspect the Lion might

(If he’d been closer) have tried a bite.

I think that’s as it ought to be

And not as it was taught to me.

I think the Lion has a right

To growl a growl and bite a bite.

And if the Lion bothered Adam,

He should have growled right back at ’im.

The way to treat a Lion right

Is growl for growl and bite for bite.

True, the Lion is better fit

For biting than for being bit.

But if you look him in the eye

You’ll find the Lion’s rather shy.

He really wants someone to pet him.

The trouble is: his teeth won’t let him.

He has a heart of gold beneath

But the Lion just can’t trust his teeth.

John Ciardi, "Why Nobody Pets the Lion in the Zoo" from The Reason for the Pelican (Philadelphia: Lippincott, 1959).

Rogue, Blue Cheese and the Bayou

So in honor of my dear bloggy buddy Alex over at Cooking for Assholes I decided to concoct this little post. If you haven't gone to visit his site yet I have to assume it's either because you are physically incapable of using a computer or because you are stubborn and don't like the idea of being called an Asshole. Get over yourself. He's hilarious. So... On to my review. The Bayou is a bar here in Salty town on State Street that we used to frequent quite often until we found that it was next to impossible to get a table on a Friday night unless you show up before 6:30. Sorry Bayou, it's true... Long story short they are considered the 'beervana' of SLC and have an incredible selection of beers available. My good friend Rory suggested Rogue Hazelnut Brown Nectar a while back and it is one of my faves! No bitter hoppy aftertaste... a nice nutty smooth introduction. This is a very friendly beer for everyone from the beginner to the most advanced beer snob. It is a little on the sweet side, so if that's not your thing... be warned.
Alex royally screwed up some chips as he tried baking them instead of frying them and I told him he should fry them and toss some blue cheese on top. Well... apparently the folks at Bayou have been listening in to my conversations because this is now a special app on their menu. You can't tell from the pic but there's a butt load (yes, that's the technical term you snob) of bleu cheese under those chips. The chips are tossed in a chive olive oil and they were sooooo good! Perfect compliment to the Rogue. We also ordered our standard sweet potato and regular fries. The fries come with the Bayou's garlic/chipotle aioli (that's a fancy mayo for those of you who don't speak cooking talk).
Our friend Brady was sitting at the table to my right... we were being obnoxious and texting. Once again, judge away, I might have if I were you. At the table to my left were two girls and a guy speaking Vietnamese. The one chick was yelling on the phone (at least it seemed like she was... who the hell knows) and I texted Brady that I was frightened because she was so angry. He responds:
" I speak Vietnamese, she was saying that she's pissed because your tits look hot in that hoodie"

That's when my cheeks turned red and the hood came up... we couldn't stop laughing after that.

So... if you ever decide to meander this direction and visit us we'll be sure to take you to The Bayou where you can choose from a fab selection of beers (and other alcohol if that's your bag baby) and delish creole food. If you're nice Ms. Salti and I will treat you to a pedi afterward;)

Unless your name is Alex... then I think I'll have to leave your toes to Mrs. Alex...

Apparently I'm Confused...

There we lay in bed, cozy and warm. Aidan on my right and Trent on my left. Out of a deep sleep I jumped up from beneath the sheets and duvet screaming...

me: What time is it?! (frantically searching around as if I don't know where my bedside clock is located)
hubby: Why, what's wrong?
me: (finally locating the elusive clock) Oh man, it's 5:55 I've got to get ready for work! I get ready at 6. What's today? Is today Sunday? I work today!
hubby: Yah today's Sunday but it's 5 in the morning (sounding like he's going to disown me) so go back to bed!
me: (laughing) Oh! Sorry... I can't believe I just did that! Yah... I'm special...

And that, folks, is how I woke up this morning.

How did you wake up this morning?