Good lord it's hot outside

Oy Vey,
Did I spell that correctly? Let's hope so lest I piss someone off. Life is just about too crazy to try and sum up these days. Yes folks, the mistress is having one hell of a shit storm. But that's what life is right? Right!

So, not going to cry about it at the moment. Just going to sit here and blog about this and that. Like the fact that this idiotic tab key is refusing to cooperate unless I pound the ever-living-love out of it. It's like it wants to be beaten. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you're a PERSON. But this is an expensive piece of equipment and I prefer not to beat it into submission. Catch my drift?

The garden is at least twice the size of last year. And you know how my attention wained last year round this time. Well... the garden is my happy place. I wander around the veggies and the fruit and I train the tender vines and somehow life has order and all is right in the world. And for a couple of hours each day I can breath and be calm. It's some pretty therapeutic shit... I'm telling you. Don't have time for therapy? Get yourself a garden. Unless of course you hate getting dirty, can't stand bugs, or have issues with prickly things. Then you'd pretty much suck at the whole gardening thing.

The baby business is going. We have our busy days as this is definitely our busy time of year. But we are a business after all and somehow beautiful things always have to be turned into businesses. Can you understand what I'm saying here? Let's just say that some days my work haven stresses me out to no end. But... I guess the rest of you are rolling your eyes and patting me on the back... telling me to join the club. No more bitching... it wears me out;)

My little monkey butts are getting so big! Taryn just had her 4th birthday! Can you believe it? My youngest is 4! My oldest will be in 3rd grade this year and my middle guy will be in kindergarten. Kind of crazy to see how quickly they're all coming in to their own. It's very rewarding these days. I've started writing down some of the more insane things that come out of their mouths... for example "No testicles for dinner tonight"... that's one of my personal favorites. As if we've every had testicles for dinner! Now liver, hearts, and giblets are one thing... but TESTICLES... that's just cruel;)

For those of you who keep up with miss Salti's blog she's better about writing about my life and the kids than I am. Then again that pretty much sums up our entire life/friendship together=) It's a handy thing.

Alright then you crazy beautiful people. Be good to each other. I know you won't do it because you misbehave constantly but before you go to bed I want to you think of 5 things you're thankful for.

If you feel inclined leave me a comment and let me know what they are=)
Auri

Easter Bunnies, Three Headed Beasts, and ME!

Taryn is currently running around singing "Girls have a vagina, like meeeee. And boys have a penis like Daddy and TT and Aidaaaaan." How am I supposed to think of anything to blog about when she's so freaking hilarious!? I ask you?

I know I promised pictures... but do you think I've gotten them developed yet... nope. Just say it... I know I'm a slacker. You'll be pleased to know that I have been taking them though=) That's got to count for something!
Tip #1 for attempting to restart your bloggy life: Don't try to write a post while your 3 children are awake and vying for your attention. Can you spell c-o-u-n-t-e-r-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e? Well I can and it comes in the form of a three headed beast. One that hangs on your arm, the other that screams in your ear, and the third that's tearing apart your house while the other two attempt to drive you mad. I haven't lost my temper today. You should be proud.

So... what kind of food do you think I should serve at a toy party... pigs in a blanket, spotted dick, melons, or should I just stick to something a little less obvious like... Sushi! No? You're no fun I tell you! Fine... I'll keep it on the up and up... but only because you've made me!
Guess what I did today? (you're way off... stop while you're ahead)
#1... Started by taking the hubby to work with the kids (because we're a one car family and I had shit to do today). He's a ray of sunshine in the morning... let me tell ya! I figure I'm just lucky that he didn't start spouting fire from his nostrils in the car.
#2... Took said kids grocery shopping in their jammies because this is Utah and we're cool with things like that (thank god)


#3... Got the little hellraisers ready and took them BACK to dad's work for the Easter Egg hunt... because as my friend Sara says "The Easter Bunny comes on Saturday so Jesus can come on Sunday"... I don't know why but that little saying makes me want to laugh hysterically. They had lots of fun... got a shitload of candy which is already gone... and are now all bouncing around the house complaining that their stomachs hurt=( Oh the rough life...

#4... Began a whole tray of peat moss seed starters which I planted with fine grade pot. (no not really) I actually planted spearmint and if you've ever planted spearmint you'll know that I'm not lying when I tell you I had to plant the seeds with a pair of tweezers. I'm a little surprised how focused I was considering I worked last night and still hadn't slept at this point. I'll be sure to take pics of my little lovelies... (which you'll probably never see unless I get my ass moving and develop some damn film!)

#5... Took a delightful nap with daughter Taryn. Or at least I slept... remember that three headed beast... the one that tears your house down around you?... pretty sure that was her while I was sleeping. My children are devious and lovely all in the same breath. Wherever do they get it?

#6... Sat myself down here at ye' ole' laptop to write to all of you.

So there.
Time to make some dinner... wanna come over? I'll wear my cute green flowery apron and I promise to find something to do with the spatula.

Yours Always,
Mistress A

What have I been doing?

We took the kids camping last week up to the Uintahs. We planned to be gone for 4 days but ended up coming back after 2. Seems like it was a bit lofty of a goal to take 3 kids camping that long on their first trip. Maybe more so for us than them?

Ms. Salti and I hung out the other night and watched a little So You Think You Can Dance. Of course there were tears involved. She was kind enough to paint my toes...


The kids and I have been visiting the hubby at work on the weekends here and there and occasionally he'll take us for rides on the golf cart... here's Tristan's face behind my new blinged out, way too pink toes, while we're riding on the cart.

This little garden of mine takes a good bit of time every day... just depending on how much damage the kids, wind, or weeds have evoked upon on it. I love working in the garden. It seems criminal to call it work. My favorite thing lately has been tomato and cucumber salad... mmmm. In this pic I paired that with the yellow squash fritters (or latkes) I made. Very tasty, despite what Alex from Cooking for Assholes says.


My basement is getting closer to done every day. The painter says he's priming tomorrow (we'll see) so that means only another 5 months (okay, maybe a week) and the painting should be done. Then the floorboards and carpet get laid. I just said get laid. I'm so clever.

You're lucky, that's about as much of a sense of humor as I've had all week. Now you see why I've been MIA.

My dad finished moving out today. That's been pretty rough. I don't really feel this is the place to go into it. But suffice it to say... between that and having my period I'm just not my usual exciting self today.

Sorry folks.

Maybe later;)

GOOD NEWS ON THE SPATULA CONTEST!!
I have chosen a winner!! I will announce the winner in my next post and will be sending their special spatula within the week! Who could it be??
Stay tuned to find out!!

Mi Casa Es Su Casa...

Welcome my lovelies!
As you walk through my front door you'll notice the little sign above the kitchen door which reads "Mi Casa Es Su Casa" (translation: my house is your house).
So, without further adieu... take your shoes of and come on in!

Just to your right there is our little sitting area/laptop nook. This is where I sit and read all of your clever blogs while I look out that window and am grateful that I'm in here and not out there on hot days like today!!
Yes, it's a little messy...
Yes, that's a Passion Iced Tea from Starbucks...
Yes, that's a lava lamp...

Straight through the doorway is my itsy bitsy kitchen where I will create for you an exquisite masterpiece... I don't often use cookbooks but the few I happen to have are in boxes right now because we have mold abatement going on in the basement... long story.
But no worries! The air is clean and my kitchen is always open.
Perhaps I'll make you the squash penne I referred to in this post? Or, if squash isn't your thing I can whip up a little homemade marinara... Ms. Salti has been kind enough to give you all that recipe!

Due to my lack of cupboard space... or my ever increasing amount of kitchen paraphernalia... I have a wire rack in the kitchen with all of my tools, spices, entertaining dishes, bake ware, the bread-maker is on the bottom (don't tell anyone I use it!).

Where are my manners?! Let me get you something to drink... I have to admit I'm a little cleaned out after the bachelorette party I just attended. I would not recommend drinking the cooking vermouth. Patron happens to be my favorite but I also have some beer in the fridge along with a healthy supply of SoBes.

Here's the garden where I'll be picking some of our veggies for dinner tonight. Maybe you'd like to go and commune with the honeybees?
Hey... enough Patron and I'll commune with anything you put in front of me!

Or maybe you'd like to have a sit on my favorite swing under our large Catalpa tree? The shade cools things off nicely.

If you're like me you like to put on a little music while cooking... and if you can't find something in our collection then you don't like music. This is just the CD collection too... the records are on the floor. I didn't take a picture of those!
Here are some of my faves...

Recognize anything you like?
no? Too bad... you can leave now;)
hahahaha... just kidding... I'm bad at picking favorite music and movies! I have a lot!!

Now that dinner is ready let's throw on a movie while we eat. Here are a few I thought you might like...


I tried to pick a little something for everyone... it's so hard to please people these days!! Picky, picky=)

All of my books are in boxes as well (mold abatement) but if you look to the right of my blog there... down a bit... you'll see my book montage with a list of a few of the things I've read. I've conveniently left out all of the ever boring books that make me look as smart as I am. You don't need me to tell you that. Only dull people brag about how intelligent they are by showing off with their old college books;) tee hee hee . Nothing but love!
Someday I will take a picture of my bookshelf when it is back up and running.

Well... I hope you've enjoyed your evening as my guest. I enjoyed having you.
Stop by again sometime!!

My Little Yellow Crooky Bastards and a Recipe!

I started out my veggie garden by tilling almost half of the grass in the back yard. You should have seen my dad, Trent, and I all out there with this big ass tiller digging up grass that had probably been there since the house was built in 1941.

I was sore for the next week.

My dad suggested black plastic but the people at Home Depot swore they didn't have any (which I later found out they did... that's another story) and so we went with the 30 year guarantee weed cloth and covered the soil. I started out small. 3 tomatoes (cherry, Roma, and some variety that is supposed to be in a pot), 2 burpless cucumbers, 1 green bell pepper, 2 yellow squash and 1 yellow crookneck squash, 1 butternut squash, and 1 watermelon.

The bastard snails took the watermelon, butternut squash, 1 yellow squash, and a cucumber... but at that point I decided to get smart and pull out the snail bait. The large bowls of beer just weren't killing enough for my needs. We had a major invasion going on. Did I mention that my neighbors to the back killed my amazing mature green seedless grapes? If I did, I'm mentioning it again because it sucks and I'm still pissed and no I haven't talked to them about it yet because I'm still afraid I might cry.

So... The tomatoes are massive. I decided not to stake them up but they're going crazy and as of yet I've only had a handful of little cherries ripen. I ate them this morning without taking a pic first. They were incredible. Full of rich peppery flavor. So salty. Still warm and firm to the bite. Oh lord I'm salivating just thinking about them.

The first bell pepper left something to be desired... I've never had a pepper with tough skin before out of a garden so I'm not sure what's happening there. I guess I'll have to visit the garden god at the local store.

We ate the cucumber sliced up with dinner the other night. I drizzled it with lime juice and sprinkled a little kosher salt on top. Soooo tasty. I've heard you can add things to the soil with cucumbers to make them even more flavorful... any thoughts? Guess I have some homework to do.

The squash are by far my little gems of the garden this year. Since the picture here I've pulled 20 more out of the garden all as lovely as the first. Some people let them grow too big and they lose all of their flavor and get too fibrous. I like to pick them a little on the small side. So far I've had the best luck with my summer pasta:

2 yellow crook neck squash
1 zucchini
1 sweet onion (vidalia if available)
several cloves of garlic sliced thin
2 cups of cubed fresh banana squash
1/4 cup or so of EV Olive oil
S&P to taste
1/4 tsp Nutmeg
1 box Penne pasta

Slice all fresh ingredients in large pan before turning on the stove. Add oil over top. Turn to med-hi heat and lightly toss veggies to coat with oil. Add salt, pepper and nutmeg. Toss again to coat. Do not molest veggies too often or they'll fall apart. Leave lid on for the first 5 minutes. The banana squash needs a little steaming in the beginning to soften. You'll want to cook it all about 15 minutes until the veggies are soft and soaking up the olive oil. Keep an eye on the bottom squash in the pan as they tend to brown. You may need to turn your heat down a little depending on your stove. When the veggies are about done put your water on to boil. Add a little salt and EV Olive oil to pasta water. Boil penne about 11 minutes until al dente or firm to the bite. Strain but do not rinse or shake all of the water out of the strainer. Return Penne to bowl and add veggies to pasta mixing gently. Serve with healthy amount of fresh parmiggiano reggiano grated on top and there you have it!

It's a nice sweet pasta. Definitely light and summery. Lots of fresh ingredients and super fast to throw together. Let me know if you try it out!

Don't forget to read the previous post for my Mistress Spatula Contest!

Mistress A

Toe Bling, Entourage, and What's Next...

I've been enjoying the outdoors lately so I've just been playing catch up today on your lovely blogs. You all are a funny bunch of characters! Ms. Salti and I have been going way overboard on the toe bling lately. No, this is not black... it's some deep dark plum color (I'm bad with the clever names OPI uses... ask her what it is) that I can't stop wearing. I love it. That's Season 5 of Entourage in the background of the very out of focus picture there. I've never watched the show on TV because we don't have HBO but Erica always provides the DVDs for me. This was a record... I watched season 5 in 3 days... remember I have a life? I love that show. Too fucking funny. If you haven't watched it and you enjoy good writing, naughty humor, and a little Hollywood drama... it's a good one to check out.

So... what to expect from Mistress Auri...

#1 Ms. Salti and Mistress Auri write toy reviews...
We are going to review what we have (which is a lot)... if you'd like to donate to the collection we are taking new (that's never before used, gifted in the original packaging) toys that you would like our opinion on because you are leery of trying them yourself. If you don't want to gift them to us because you are cheap you might ask nicely and we may purchase them because we are curious ourselves... but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. =)

#2 The First Ever Mistress Auri - Spatula Giveaway!!

That's right... I started out as Mistress Spatula and in an upcoming post you'll learn how one lucky reader will win my original pink spatula! Oh believe me... you'll have to work for it...

# 3 My very first harvest from the very first veggie garden in our very first house!!
I know, you can hardly contain your excitement. Well, I can't and it's my blog so that's really all that matters. Sorry, feisty today. I'm blaming it on the hormones. All of my patients do so why can't I? I'll be sure to take pics of the little lovelies and write all about them.

More to come... =)

My Honest Scrap Smells Like Roses! (honest)

My sexy bloggy friend over at Confessionsofasocialwhore, Mia Dickinson, tagged me and left me the Honest Scrap award. Thanks Mia! You're a peach. Which means you're lovely (just in case it means something not so complimentary over there in the land of Your Majesty).

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Just like to point out that Mia did not tell me that I got the award... which is usually not an issue since I'm stuck like glue to her fab blog... but... I got distracted by the lack of sleep and work schedule and happened to miss the one post in which I was mentioned. The story of my life. Oh well... I've made up for it now.

On with the honest scrap...
#1- I don't have any anal toys and I won't ever unless someone purchases one for me and then I swear I will never use it.

#2- I once had the opportunity during spring break in San Diego with Ms. Salti (when I was 17) to have sex with a gorgeous, extremely well endowed, black man and I chickened out because he was so big. Hello! I was still fairly naive and had no clue how that would work with this.

#3- I am now reading the Twilight series for the third time. I can't stop. It's like an addictive drug and I don't want to stop either. I'm almost embarrassed about it... but not quite (depends on who I'm talking to). It's all Ms. Salti's fault. Were it not for her prodding I wouldn't have gone to see the movie in the first place, never would have purchased the books, never would have gotten obsessed. It's a sickness. Please don't judge me. I judge myself (and my husband gives me shit enough for all of you, I promise).

#4- I have a total crush on Megan Fox. You know, the chick from Transformers. We just went to see the movie yesterday and I think she's officially on my "I'm not a Lesbian but if she were to ask me to be I might have to apologize to my husband and jump ship" list. Wow. I'm at a loss for words.

#5- On our first road trip together hubby and I had sex at just about every rest stop from here to Seattle. We can recommend our favorite to anyone caring to recreate the journey.

#6- There's a dark side of me that wants to yell obscenities and kick the shit out of random people being assholes.

#7- I have lived in Italy twice. Once when I was a baby for about a year and a half. The last was for several months while I was 17 and I got to hang out on the set of U-571 where my dad was working on the set.

#8- I have some cellulite on my ass. Fuck you, don't laugh.

#9- I have better orgasms than you do... (if you'd care to argue I dare you to prove it)

#10- I just put out multiple large bowls of beer. For the snails. Not to be kind. If you've missed previous posts you have missed that I tried to be nice before by collecting them and putting them in a little terrarium in the house but now it's war. They're eating everything in my garden and I'm pissed! I hope they enjoy getting sloshed before they die.

Okay... now to tagging others. 10 people is kind of a lot. Hmmm...

1. Jana- She's kind of new to the world of blogging and I can't wait to hear some of her honest scrap.
2. Sarcastically Bitter- A lovely nurse up in Canada... bet she's got some scrap up her sleeve.
3. Mr. Condescending- He's just beyond honest all the time anyway... but hell... let's see what he'll come up with.
4. Becoming Kate- She has plenty of stories and some crazy life experiences... tell us some more hun!
5. In the Head of Em- I've been there once or twice... maybe you'll be lucky enough to get inside?
6.The Trainwreck Chronicles- She's wicked, she's funny... she's also a bigshot now... so let's see if she really responds.
7.Noelle- Can you handle the truth from a 5th grade teacher? They're scary when they take their hair down...

Okay... that's all I've got. The other people either have already gotten this or don't post stuff like this on their blogs...

I'm Not Dead! Just Distracted...

Hello lovelies... Just a quick note to let you know I'm working on a couple of things... I've lifted my ban on blog awards because Ms. Salti was cool enough to give me a couple (and I guess I really do want to win the popularity contest)... I'll take pics of the veggie garden and tell you all about that... oh and I have a fabulous (very personal) story about a flying dildo and tears. So, there you have it.

Stay tuned

And yes...

I will catch up on every single post I've missed on your blogs... I know I'm a bad dog...

Two Tasty Treats...

After a long and fabulous day at work yesterday Ms. Salti picked me up and after getting changed we went to get Noelle and headed out to dinner. We weren't sure where we wanted to go so they both suggested Settebella downtown... a new Italian pizza spot... and good lord! Wow... I'm having a hard time coming up with adjectives worthy to describe how good it was.
The place is cute. Small and joined with a gelateria next door. We started out with a simple but delicious mixed green salad with balsamic and olive oil. Then had their margherita pizza. The pizza tasted exactly like this little spot my dad and I used to go by the place we stayed in Rome. Very good. The gelato was good. I'm a bit glutenous when it comes to gelato. I want mine packed with enough cream that it sticks to the roof of my mouth for an hour after. This was probably a little on the healthier side... ho hum=(
Anyway... I didn't think I'd be able to move after that. Did I mention we shared a bottle of delicious Pinot Noir? Yah... then my cute hubby was feeling frisky when I got home. I wasn't sure how that would work seeing how I felt 5 month pregnant with a pizza baby... but somehow we managed=)

This morning while the kids were waiting for Sponge Bob to come on I turned the channel to VH1 because out of some miracle they were actually playing music. After the top 20 there was this show called Free Radio. Apparently it's been on for a little bit but it's absolutely hilarious! It's a bit of a mix between improv and real interviews with all of these guest stars that they have on and then there's somewhat of a scripted cast that fills in the rest of the show.
All of the full episodes are on VH1 online... seriously... go check a few out. Very clever. I like the female host on the show. She kind of reminds me of a brunette Bonnie Hunt.

So those are my two tasty treats for the day... a new restaurant and a new show. See why I don't watch TV anymore!? I always get hooked to something when I do watch. Best if I just stick to my books!
By the way... am loving Darkly Dreaming Dexter! The show has apparently done an excellent job of sticking to the book because they are very similar. I enjoy reading it though... I look at it like a special feature. Anyway... for those of you that enjoy the darker side of humor... it's a must read! If you're one of those people that thinks the movie always ruins the book though... go watch a few episodes of Dexter first so that you can appreciate just how brilliant the show is... then go read the book;)
Oh and have I mentioned that my inner teenager is having Twilight withdrawals? I know... you can laugh if you want to... I'll only cry later when I'm trying to fall asleep...
Oh, one more thing. I still haven't freaking put my vegetable garden together and mother's day is coming up!! A clone is sounding more desirable all the time.

I can't wait to plan my garden!!

There you have it. If uncle sam says I must start a garden... then I must...

And this wise little garden gnome says veggie gardens are good for you too. I swear I'm not on drugs. I'm just tired and I really can't wait to get started on my vegetable garden! I'll keep you guys updated (if anyone cares... and if not... oh well I'm writing about it anyway).