Dr. Google

About a year and a half ago I made the transition from hospital nursing to office nursing.  Specifically from Labor and Delivery to an OB GYN office. My primary function is what you would call phone triage (i.e. I answer questions on the phone and decide if/when the patient needs to be seen or if the problem can be solved over the phone). p.s. that's just the tiny tip of the ice berg.  

Any how. Over the period of a few months I noticed that I got a large number of phone calls that started with the line "So, I was doing some research (on Google) and I think, based on my symptoms, that X  (insert anything you'd like here) is the root cause of all my problems (in life).  

I laughed it off the first few times because I used to do the same thing.  The difference being that I am an educated health care professional and the majority of the people I talk with are not. And that's great. 

No big deal.

 Over the next year it happened on a regular basis and it started driving me bananas!! (And not the good Bananas like my dear friend over at The Japing Ape). 

These are intelligent people who are convinced that they know more than a physician because they spent 15 minutes on some woman's blog from Arkansas who is convinced that all of her anecdotal information is true for everyone.  

Now. Partaking in the blogosphere (is that a real word?) as I do.  I realize that some people may take the musings of my brain... practice them in their own lives... and contrive some type of fact or insight (or pleasure) from the experience.  Let's face it, I have a few good ideas now and then ;)  That doesn't mean that my ideas have been studied, tested, and trialed by a large group of my peers who can determine that there's a correlation between what I've experienced and what most people will experience.  Then again, that's not always important when dealing with things like VIBRATORS. Of matters relating to infertility, hormone replacement therapy, contraception, irregular menses, and a whole slew of other such issues, peer reviewed information and evidenced based practice are important.

(I may be on a soap box here... feel free to stop reading at any point) (And if you're wondering... yes, the picture above is me. I've had a full facial reconstruction, boobs, lipo, collagen, extensions, bleaching (asshole and hair) and colored contacts) (NO not really). (I could add a few more parentheses here if you'd like).

You either make the decision when you go to a western doctor that you are going to subscribe to that brand of bullshit or you're not. For my sake though, if you're going to call and question every little thing that your doctor tells you because DR. GOOGLE told you otherwise... don't waste my time. Please.

With that said... if I like you, if you're family, if you pose an intelligent question... then of course I'm happy to listen=)

Thank you and good night!

Mistress (Nurse) Auri

Good lord it's hot outside

Oy Vey,
Did I spell that correctly? Let's hope so lest I piss someone off. Life is just about too crazy to try and sum up these days. Yes folks, the mistress is having one hell of a shit storm. But that's what life is right? Right!

So, not going to cry about it at the moment. Just going to sit here and blog about this and that. Like the fact that this idiotic tab key is refusing to cooperate unless I pound the ever-living-love out of it. It's like it wants to be beaten. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you're a PERSON. But this is an expensive piece of equipment and I prefer not to beat it into submission. Catch my drift?

The garden is at least twice the size of last year. And you know how my attention wained last year round this time. Well... the garden is my happy place. I wander around the veggies and the fruit and I train the tender vines and somehow life has order and all is right in the world. And for a couple of hours each day I can breath and be calm. It's some pretty therapeutic shit... I'm telling you. Don't have time for therapy? Get yourself a garden. Unless of course you hate getting dirty, can't stand bugs, or have issues with prickly things. Then you'd pretty much suck at the whole gardening thing.

The baby business is going. We have our busy days as this is definitely our busy time of year. But we are a business after all and somehow beautiful things always have to be turned into businesses. Can you understand what I'm saying here? Let's just say that some days my work haven stresses me out to no end. But... I guess the rest of you are rolling your eyes and patting me on the back... telling me to join the club. No more bitching... it wears me out;)

My little monkey butts are getting so big! Taryn just had her 4th birthday! Can you believe it? My youngest is 4! My oldest will be in 3rd grade this year and my middle guy will be in kindergarten. Kind of crazy to see how quickly they're all coming in to their own. It's very rewarding these days. I've started writing down some of the more insane things that come out of their mouths... for example "No testicles for dinner tonight"... that's one of my personal favorites. As if we've every had testicles for dinner! Now liver, hearts, and giblets are one thing... but TESTICLES... that's just cruel;)

For those of you who keep up with miss Salti's blog she's better about writing about my life and the kids than I am. Then again that pretty much sums up our entire life/friendship together=) It's a handy thing.

Alright then you crazy beautiful people. Be good to each other. I know you won't do it because you misbehave constantly but before you go to bed I want to you think of 5 things you're thankful for.

If you feel inclined leave me a comment and let me know what they are=)
Auri

The Fabulous Flashing Phallic Earrings

I'm sure you're all wondering how the toy party went... It was FABULOUS!! But that's not really what this story's about. This story is about the earrings that I wore to the party. I wore the deliciously naughty flashing-penis earrings pictured above. Yes... that's right. You know you're jealous.
After the party I took them off and put them in my purse. Never thought much of it. Occasionally I'd open my purse to pull out my wallet or camera and get a little chuckle from the penis earrings residing comfortably (incognito) at the bottom of my bag.
Couple weeks go by and I take my badge out of my purse to start off my work day. I go through all the motions: Pick my patient from the board, get report from the off-going nurse at the nurse's station, then gather a few things together to go meet the new patient.
I had been in her room for a few minutes when it became apparent that we needed to turn her to her side. As I look down to rearrange her pillows what do I notice on her bed??
Yep... wait for it...

A FLASHING PENIS EARRING!!

The thoughts that came next gyrated around in my head for maybe a millisecond.

1. OH MY GOD
2. This patient has the same earrings as me
3. How the hell did one of my earrings get into my patients bed
4. Should I ask her if it's hers
5. Should I leave it there and pretend I didn't see it
6. How quickly can I pick it up and put it elsewhere before she or her husband realize I've just picked something up from the bed and put it in my pocket?
7. Stay calm, try to breathe, don't make any funny faces

After that little cacophony of thoughts I rapidly picked up the flashing penis earring and placed it on the desk behind the label maker and went about the rest of my care.

I totally forgot about it. (Yes, I'm that good of a nurse... BWAHAHA)

It wasn't until later on that night... oh let's say around the magical hour of 3 a.m. that we were all chatting and the realization came to me that the flashing penis earring was still sitting where I'd left it. So I darted up and out of my seat... ran to the room... and thankfully, it was still there. The patient had been out of the room for several hours as well in case you were wondering.

Of course all the girls wanted to know what I had to run away from the desk from. I don't know how they caught the entire story between my hysterical laughing and tears but somehow by the end of it all we were all cracking up. I want to know how in the hell that little sucker hitched a ride on my badge and went unnoticed all the way from me putting it on in the car to reaching my patients room?!! Help a sister out people! Really! No one notices a flashing penis earring?? I find that hard to believe!

I know I've said that I'm going to try and merge my Mistress Auri self with my work self... but I draw the line at leaving phallic accouterments in bed with my patients.

That's just taking things a bit too far if you ask me.

Here's to hoping you all have something fabulously humbling and/or embarrassing happen to YOU this week!

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A

We love you Mikey... oh yes we do...

We've been watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe for a long time around our house and I just realized that I've never actually posted about him. Shame. Forgive me. So... in honor of my first post about the beloved Mike Rowe and this fantastic show I thought I would pick a clip that not only shows the beauty of what Mike gets to do but also combines a little of what I get to do (okay, that's a bit of a stretch... but you'll see what I mean).

There's nothing better than a well educated man with a sense of humor that doesn't mind getting dirty who cleans up well afterward. Scrumptious! The kids were referring to him as 'Mommy's guy' for a while because we watched the show so much... that kind of pissed my husband off a little. I had to have a talk with the kids about only calling Mike Rowe that when daddy was at work... otherwise daddy might not be so happy about us watching Dirty Jobs so often. The kids were very understanding. I now get them to help out with jobs around the house by starting out with "this is just like that job that Mike Rowe does on Dirty Jobs!" It works every time!


And as for the sweet male farmer commenting on whether or not the cow felt pain or not...

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN BIRTH MY FRIEND? BECAUSE NO AMOUNT OF ENDORPHINS, NATURAL OR MAN MADE CAN DULL THAT PAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE AN EPIDURAL!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I know he was only trying to seem like he knew how the cow felt. But did she look like she was having a good time? Did you see the way she was mooing? I'm no cow whisperer... but I'd like to think that giving birth as a mammal is a pretty universal experience. Just saying.

By the way... a month or so ago my patient's dad offered to have me come and help out with the calving season on their ranch. I wanted to go do it so badly! Couldn't you just see me?! A cow midwife=) All dressed up in my Dickie's, hair in a little bandanna, and just about as happy as a pig in shit! Too bad I never got his phone number. That would have been a blast!

Anyway. Hope you're not too badly damaged by the video. I know how the picture of the placenta affected some of you (snicker, snicker).

"Now let's get ready, to get dirty!"

I'm a Good Girl... Really!

Hello my lovelies. How are you out there? I was trying to think of something to write about today and nothing was coming to mind so I decided to just sit down and start writing... that works... right?
Last night at work was fun... busy, but a lot of fun. I work with a great group of people. I was having a conversation with the girls about a subject I happen to be pretty passionate about and everyone was really surprised and how worked up I could get. I guess the point is I'm a fairly laid back person the majority of the time.

Really.
(don't laugh, it's not polite and I know your mother taught you better manners than that)

But there are a few things I feel strongly about and I'm not afraid to argue my point. That doesn't mean I'm a bulldog about issues I know nothing about. That drives me crazy. Do your damn homework if you're going to belittle me! Have you ever been in an argument with someone who fights just to fight? They have not a clue on god's green earth what the hell they're talking about but they'll argue to the death just to gain control over you. You know that's what it's about, right? Control. I usually let them win... it's not worth it to me. If they want control so badly they can have it.
I just had to laugh though because people don't often see that side of me, the 'business Auri' side, so when they do they're always surprised. I guess I'm a little surprised too. I'd love to think I'm the kind of person that can whip that side out regardless the opponent but there have been occasions where I'm blindsided and it's not until after a conversation that I wish I had said something differently or handled the situation with more balls. I'm sure most of us have been there.

Okay, I'll stop being completely vague. A new baby is a really important time in a person's life. Whether they are keeping that baby forever, placing them for adoption, or whether the baby is a stillborn, the birth of a baby is a monumental event. Some people just forget that after a while. They get complacent, lazy, and jaded. It spreads like the plague and it gets under my skin. I'll stop there. Believe me... the rant is long and not as exciting in type (one of those 'you had to be there' kind of things). I expect people to tell me if I'm being lazy... I honestly do, not just one of those people that says it and then gets pissed off.
I had a boss once with this cool plaque above her desk that read "assume good intent". I try to keep that in mind. I make mistakes (especially when it comes to failing to communicate little things), I know... you're all shocked=) And so I really assume that when other people are in a slump here and there it's because they're having an off day, as we all do. It's just when it happens all the time that I actually start to get upset.

I wouldn't want anyone leaving with the idea that I'm some kind of perfectionist here... hell no.

Okay... I'm rambling. Which is not always a bad thing. But now I have to get ready for another fabulous evening at work. Hopefully not quite as crazy as last night (seeing as how I delivered a baby in the emergency room last night).

I know that we aren't all so lucky to be able to make a living doing the things we love. I absolutely love what I do. I love bonding with my patients and getting to meet their new little babies. The people I work with are complex, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate. I would not enjoy being at work for 36+ hours every week if I didn't work with such incredible people.

I hope you all get a chance to do what you love and you know what they say...

"If you can't be with the one you love baby, love the one you're with."

London is more than just a pin on the map tonight...

I love that this is the first thing I get to see of a person's new baby before anyone else. As that new little person is making their way down into our world they start out with a fairly clean slate. I tickle their head to let them know that there's someone out there on the other end to catch them on their way out.

Today I got to take care of an amazing couple. They were so sweet to each other but more than that they were fun and interesting to be around as well. We hit it off at once and had a great day! Luckily I was able to be there until their daughter London was born just before 7pm.

People like that reaffirm for me that having a baby in a world like this can still, possibly, be the right thing to do now and then. I know they will have hard times and moments when they'll wonder why they chose to have kids. But I also know that they'll also always love their daughter. They'll raise her to see the beauty in others and in the world around them.

Today also reminded me why I love doing what I do. Why I love taking care of people and teaching them. How much I enjoy connecting with people instantly if they're willing to allow me in to their most vulnerable and intimate moments.

See... not all of me is crass=) There's a soft underbelly as well. But then again... most of you probably know that.

Happy Birthday London.

Ra Ra Rosie, aka 'Off with the Pantyhose', aka not the flying dildo story...yet

Oh my Gawwwd I'm tired! I can have the best day at work but as long as that last 2 hours out of 12 is busy... the whole God Loving day is crazy as far as I'm concerned.
(just in case you were wondering...)
(because I know as a concerned reader you were)

Whew!

Can't wait to wake up at 0600... along with the birdies... (because they're up at the butt crack o' dawn these days) and start it all over again. Babies to be born... prego ladies to be triaged.

So. Why Rosie you ask?
(and yes... that's Rosie the Riveter... just Norman Rockwell's version)

Why not!

Because as I was sitting on the pot... where I have many of my fabulous thoughts... as I am sometimes alone and can actually have a silent thought for myself without interruption...
most of us women are kind of the embodiment of Rosie these days. We dig work. We may bitch and moan that we'd rather not work... or work less. But there's something kind of gratifying in a lot of the work that we do.

Okay... I might not reach everyone here. And I'm still absolutely butt ass crazy jealous of my sister in law who somehow gets to stay home with her 1 child! YES, 1, child. I'm trying to be happy for her. But underneath I wonder why I'm jealous...I don't want to stay home!
It's hard work!
Rosie had it right man... throw away the pantyhose...
okay... there's obviously a happy medium here. I'd rather not be working 36-40 hours a week... but there are a lot more people in this country working a hell of a lot more hours than that with more kids than me.
Anyway...
I have fun at work when I feel like I'm getting all of my shit done. When you've constantly got this looming feeling of impending doom and litigation over your head you get a bit OCD when it comes to charting and policies. I think that's where the terms 'work Auri' and 'play Auri' came about... because I'd rather be digging in the dirt at home and I have to compartmentalize the 'crazy' me that work brings out.

So... you all are wondering where the flying dildo story is aren't you?!

Hmmm... I'm wondering if that deserves its own post...
tomorrow...=)
xoxo
aurs

I'm GUILTY...Put me in hancuffs...

Yah... I'm feeling a little guilty tonight. No, I'm not trying to win the popularity contest like my dad always says. It's just that I was really frustrated at work the other day so I vented about it this morning and now I feel like I just unloaded all of my shit onto everyone else.
oops.
Kind of icky. Yah. Well. Like the girls say above. Networking, right!? I'll be better about that... next time... at least you all forgive me.

So. I do love work though. Lots of babies being born lately. Tis the season. Spring and all. After a long day today I go back in tomorrow evening and then back the day after to teach a neonatal resuscitation course... so I guess I should go to sleep now. I just realized it's almost midnight.

Have been doing a little research on migraines and medications. I'm a little sick of feeling like a ditz on this medication I'm taking right now... go figure. Plus it makes my fingers numb (which is a pain in the ass for my patients when I'm trying to start their IV) so I need to switch meds.

My daughter informed me today that her 'gina' pronounced with a long i is "pretty cool" and she thinks she'll keep it. Thank God. I was worried she'd trade it in for a while. Whew.
I had to threaten the boys with separate baths tonight. We had to have the whole "we call them 'privates' because you don't touch any one else's but your own" speech tonight like 53 times and I'd just about had enough. The allure is strong. For the love of all things holy kids... keep your freaking hands to yourself!!! It's an uphill battle.
Anyway.
Bath time ended well. The children are alive and asleep. Tristan and I stayed up and enjoyed the chapter in Harry Potter about Felix Felicis (the potion that brings good luck) and I dig all the questions that he asks this time around! He's crazy smart.
Tomorrow we go to Costco to get his glasses!!! They were actually in Saturday but I'm a bad mother and waited this long to pick them up. yah..oh well.
alright... I'm going to bed.

Naughty Nurse...

I bet there might be a few of you out there in TV land (presumably men) who think this is what I look like while working... AND YOU'RE RIGHT!! (no, not really)
Sorry to burst the bubble... I know! I'm not trying to be cruel.

As a nurse I'm constantly working on continuing education to keep my skills up to date and my knowledge fresh. We've been trying to cut back at work lately so they've asked that all the nurses take the 'scrub' class. These days most nurses don't have the chance to assist as a scrub nurse in surgery. We do what's called 'circulating' which consists of a lot of paperwork and helping do everything that those people who can't touch anything do. (gross understatement, my apologies). Anywho... I spent today re-learning the 'how's and why's' of sterile technique. I know you're jealous... don't be=)

Hopefully I'll actually get the chance to use this more than once a year... I'm a little OCD when it comes to my nursing practice. I love feeling competent at what I do... sooo... if I only get the chance to scrub once in a great while... yah, you guessed it... I'll look like an ass.
Oh well. Guess I'll just have to suck it up.
And yes... I love this cartoon. We've had family practice residents up at the hospital and I love them! Always so willing to help and learn. It's lovely! Honestly, most of the Doctors I work with are great. Not at all the ego maniacal crazies that you see on TV all the time. But there's something nice about having the resident ask you what you think.

So, not that I wouldn't love, love, love to wear that outfit in the first picture EVERYDAY at work... but hey... it might be better than wearing a cap! (shudder) Sure Kate Beckinsale looked killer as a nurse in Pearl Harbor... but guaranteed if you were anything over a size 2 those dresses would not be the most flattering things on earth. I love scrubs! Yep, I said it. They forgive a lot... even if there's not much to forgive... we all have those days.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to my new ventures in nursing. Wish me luck;)