The Placenta and The Pine Tree

(For those of you who haven't heard this story... here it is... again)

I'll spare you the long, boring story of my first delivery. Honestly, I'm three years out after my third child and I don't really feel the need anymore to relive my first in gory detail (lucky you). Don't get me wrong, at some point I did... just not now=)

Oh no... this story is specifically what happened after we got home from the hospital. See, I was one of those 'weird' people who wanted to take my placenta home because I was going to plant it under a tree. I had heard the idea before and thought it was kind of cool. Sort of an everlasting tribute to the baby and a very granola way of giving back to the earth (and all of that hippie hoop-la). So, get the placenta home (in a mint green, plastic bucket provided by the hospital) and we don't have the tree right away so what do we do? We freeze the placenta.

In our freezer.
Along with the ice that we use for guests.
Along with the chicken breasts.

(Don't worry, I'm horrifying myself. And yes, I've grown as a person over the years)

Several months later we decide to buy a small pine tree. But alas, we lived in a triplex and we didn't want to plant a tree in the ground there where someday we would move away and leave our placenta tree behind (wait for it... ). So my dear sweet husband buys a whiskey barrel planter and some potting soil for our little placenta tree and I put the placenta out to thaw so we could get it out of the mint green plastic bucket to plant.

The bucket, as it turns out, was not so sturdy. I came home that day to find blood (at least it was my own) all over the counter because the plastic had cracked. Eeeew. Yes, I know I'm a nurse but it was still freaking gross. Somehow chicken blood, cow blood, and pig blood are all acceptable forms of bodily fluid on my counter. But when it comes to humans... I have a strict 'no bodily fluids' policy on my kitchen counters.

Anyway.

Clean the mess up. Then the nurse in me comes out and I have to investigate my placenta because it's cool. And yes... placentas are cool. Judge me if you want. I'm past caring (okay, I care a little... but not enough to keep me up all night). We get the placenta in its bed of dirt and put the little pine tree in its new home. Pretty exciting right?

Maybe not. I grab the hose to water the new tree and what does it do? It bleeds. All down the driveway. After being horrified again at all of my bodily fluids on public display I quickly hose them all away into the dirt and clean up. Watering the little pine tree I'm thinking to myself that this will all be over with soon and the placenta will stop bleeding after a day or two.

Boy was I wrong.

Not only did it not stop with the horrible bloody show but then it started to decay and apparently there was not enough dirt on God's green earth to keep the smell from emanating through the planter because that little tree reeked something fierce. I tried to love the tree. I tried to keep watering it. I finally moved it over to the dirt in a corner by the carport where its bleeding and foul odor would be less offensive to the neighbors (I kind of felt like an oppressive father to a young daughter at this point, but what else was I to do? It's not like I could give it a bath and a tampon!?). Finally I just couldn't take care of my little placenta tree anymore. I had to realize that it had been a mistake to bring the damn thing home in the first place. It had been a mistake to plant it in a planter and not the ground. I tried to be a good little hippie mom but I should just get with the times and realize that I was no more a hippie than my mom had been.
Damn.
I so wanted to be 80 years old with grand children who would come over to the house and I could gross them out by telling them that their father's placenta was under that tree over there...

Grindhouse presents...

So I was laying in bed last night (keep it in your pants kids) and I was having a fabulous convo with myself for the bloggity blog. Do you think I can remember one iota of it today? Nope. Nada. Zip. If this is what comes with getting old... I don't want it! Shit! It was good too. I figure that maybe if I just sit here and type on my dysfunctional keyboard for a while maybe I will remember the brilliance that once was.

Oh...
I member...

So... How many of you out there have seen... Wait for it...

Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof"
(spoiler alert)

Anyone?

Buehler?

I don't know what took me so long to see this movie. I guess I'm just stubborn (shut up Salti). But I swear to you I was watching it and having an ultimate girl power moment. I feel that I must warn some of you, due to the mixed nature of my audience, that this is a violent, sexual, somewhat drug/alcohol laden type of movie. And yes... I still loved it. The characters are complex and interesting. As a woman you watch the movie and relate to the dialogue because it is so similar to what we actually talk about. And then there's my new girl crush... Zoe Bell!! Stunt woman turned actress/stunt woman. This Kiwi does it all. She's rad. And yes... I use the word 'rad' liberally when called for. Just ask Ms. Salti and all my immediate family. I'm bringing it back people.

(That's Zoe in the green hat)

So. As Lamar used to say on Reading Rainbow "Don't take my word for it"... go see it yourself, lovers. Enjoy! And be prepared for a little unexpected Tarantino gore =) He's good like that!

Dear Lola,

Dear Lola,
Don't worry my love. I didn't forget about your question=) I'm just a really terrible blogger these days!


For those of you who read the post Dear Mistress... Lola asked me if there was any food that turned me on. This is a fun question. Technically there is a drink that turns me on. Patron =)

But of course! And how perfect that I'm writing this to you because (correct me if I'm wrong) but I think this might be one of your favorite drinky poos as well? I started getting the name
' Tequila Auri' because I morphed into a different person when I allowed myself to get a little tipsy with Patron. And let's just say that my libido ain't lackin' Lakely ;) Talk about a little social lubrication. However... I've had to swear off the shots and agree to mixed drinks when it comes to my dear drink of choice. Yes... that's right. Don't cry. Tequila Auri has had to learn to tone it down just a bit. Don't worry Lola. That doesn't mean that you have to as well. As long as you're wearing (or making him wear) a condom and taking care of yourself then you can have plenty of fun for years to come!!
As for a tangible (non-liquid) food that turns me on... I'm a little less picky about this. Me, less picky? I know! Don't tell anyone, OK! It'll be our little secret. As long as there was love while the meal was made, or passion while the restaurant was chosen (or hell, a babysitter so I can get a GD night out once in a while!) then I'm a pretty easy sell. If he pulls the chair out for me, compliments me on how beautiful I look, and maintains eye contact the food automatically tastes a little better. If he's an active listener during dinner and makes sure I'm enjoying my meal my panties are a little wetter. And if he puts his hand on the small of my back as he's helping me up you can guarantee that I'm hardly thinking about the dessert at the table but the dessert we're about to be having between the sheets.

So my dear...
There you have it!
Do tell me what your sinful delight is=)
I love a good story.

xoxo
Mistress Auri

Good lord it's hot outside

Oy Vey,
Did I spell that correctly? Let's hope so lest I piss someone off. Life is just about too crazy to try and sum up these days. Yes folks, the mistress is having one hell of a shit storm. But that's what life is right? Right!

So, not going to cry about it at the moment. Just going to sit here and blog about this and that. Like the fact that this idiotic tab key is refusing to cooperate unless I pound the ever-living-love out of it. It's like it wants to be beaten. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you're a PERSON. But this is an expensive piece of equipment and I prefer not to beat it into submission. Catch my drift?

The garden is at least twice the size of last year. And you know how my attention wained last year round this time. Well... the garden is my happy place. I wander around the veggies and the fruit and I train the tender vines and somehow life has order and all is right in the world. And for a couple of hours each day I can breath and be calm. It's some pretty therapeutic shit... I'm telling you. Don't have time for therapy? Get yourself a garden. Unless of course you hate getting dirty, can't stand bugs, or have issues with prickly things. Then you'd pretty much suck at the whole gardening thing.

The baby business is going. We have our busy days as this is definitely our busy time of year. But we are a business after all and somehow beautiful things always have to be turned into businesses. Can you understand what I'm saying here? Let's just say that some days my work haven stresses me out to no end. But... I guess the rest of you are rolling your eyes and patting me on the back... telling me to join the club. No more bitching... it wears me out;)

My little monkey butts are getting so big! Taryn just had her 4th birthday! Can you believe it? My youngest is 4! My oldest will be in 3rd grade this year and my middle guy will be in kindergarten. Kind of crazy to see how quickly they're all coming in to their own. It's very rewarding these days. I've started writing down some of the more insane things that come out of their mouths... for example "No testicles for dinner tonight"... that's one of my personal favorites. As if we've every had testicles for dinner! Now liver, hearts, and giblets are one thing... but TESTICLES... that's just cruel;)

For those of you who keep up with miss Salti's blog she's better about writing about my life and the kids than I am. Then again that pretty much sums up our entire life/friendship together=) It's a handy thing.

Alright then you crazy beautiful people. Be good to each other. I know you won't do it because you misbehave constantly but before you go to bed I want to you think of 5 things you're thankful for.

If you feel inclined leave me a comment and let me know what they are=)
Auri

Dear Hairy Gorilla (i.e. God of Sexual Fantasies around the world),

Dear Gorilla Bananas,
So you would like to know if I've ever had a sexual fantasy about an ostrich egg. Well, funny you should ask...

Last night as I was lying in bed, tangled up in my rich Egyptian cotton sheets, I found myself trapped between this odd dreamland and a strange sense of reality. As the focus began to shift from the wall to my long eyelashes I doubted whether they were eyelashes at all. Vines maybe? Palm fronds. Yes, that's it! The ambient light grew more diffuse and I awoke to my new jungle home. The air was uncomfortably humid. Just as it should be in the jungles of the Congo. Anyone who tells you that the air in the jungle is lovely and 'balmy' is feeding you a line and should be strung up. But I can feel my skin plumping up and my curls springing to life.

My thatched hammock is soft and gently swaying with the sound of the birds in the canopy and as I turn over I realize I am not alone. Nor am I clothed. How I came to be in the presence of a stranger without my clothes is a mystery to me. But why get my nonexistent panties in a wad, right? The stranger was a large male silver back gorilla. He seemed to be speaking in my head because I don't remember his lips moving. He instantly put my mind at ease and slipped me into his arms. He began running a rather large ostrich egg down my forehead and around my cheeks. His warm hairy chest vibrated underneath me with the ebb and flow of his breath. As the smooth egg found its way down between by breasts and nestled softly on my stomach I heard the thought in my head,

"The kitchen's just through there and the other females are about to get up so you better get a move on woman!"

Some dream! Hmph! I realized I wasn't asleep. My kids had brought the eggs in and put them on my stomach in bed. Time to get up sleeping beauty.

Much love my Hairy Gorilla,
Mistress A

Dear Mia,

Dear Mia,
First of all, so good to see your name pop up again! I've missed your playful banter! Now to get down to why we're all here... your question "If you only had 48 hours to live, what would you do and whom with?"

The 'whom' is easy for me. My husband, children, a few close friends that are considered part of the family, and any of my immediate family that could get here in the next day or so. Family and friends have always been my priority. Well, almost always =) I'm not a saint! But if I only had two days left with them I'd want to take in as much of them as I could.

The 'what' is a little more complicated. I would guess that's probably the case for most of us, isn't it?! If money were no object I would love to take off with them all to some private island. Some place in the Caribbean. Blue waters, lush jungle, warm water... aaaah, heaven! We'd be able to sit around and talk... laugh while sharing stories, maybe open up about things that have always been taboo. Then there would be time to just play! Nothing like a good day of playing to lighten your heart. Since this is a private island I'm assuming there would be a great chef present... what's a wish if it can't be complete with good food?!

I would hope that I could leave them with the belief that I had few regrets in this life. It's funny you ask this because I've been watching the entire box set of Six Feet Under these past few days and so I've been think a lot of death and finality lately and I think that there's no perfect answer to all of this. No 'right' way to look at it. But I think that if I weren't able to do those things I've listed above hopefully I'm living my life now in a way that would be a good reflection of who I am long after I'm gone.

Thanks for the question Mia!
Mistress Auri

For Sale:One Husband (I make good price for you)

Disclaimer: Read this in a Russian accent.

For Sale. One Husband. Issa not so good around da house. Mmm, very good lover. Make a good baby, or three. Not very good at mowing the lawn in straight line. Is good interior design, not so good around the house. He vill put da clothes on da floor for ju but not in za basket. Like a good man should. He donna eat much so he no cost ju so much monies. But he shmokes a lot of the herbal cigarettes. He donna like feet in bed so he sleep on the couch leaving da bed for you, you lucky girl. Oh, and he use the same towel for a month so that's something, right? Oh, and he donna like the pooch, so no pooch please. You wanna the husband, please call me ASAP.

Thank you for your time.
Helga

Dear Mistress,

Let's turn the time over to you, my lovelies. I get asked so many questions these days (and honestly, I'm running out of brain juice to entertain you with) and I would love to be able to devote a blog post to each of your questions. I don't care what kind of questions they are... well, that's not to say I don't care, I just have no personal bias. Sex is always a fun one, gardening is second only to cooking and sex, questions about kids, relationship advice... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I'm also kind of interested to see what's on the minds of my friends and readers. I know what you all blog about but that doesn't necessarily mean that's what you're thinking about throughout the day. Some of you blog about your families exclusively (and although I'm sure you're great parents, there's probably more to you than that!)

So... here's your chance...

Let's play...

DEAR MISTRESS!

And while you're thinking of what to write to me... here's a little something for your naughty enjoyment=) Thank me later!

The Fabulous Flashing Phallic Earrings

I'm sure you're all wondering how the toy party went... It was FABULOUS!! But that's not really what this story's about. This story is about the earrings that I wore to the party. I wore the deliciously naughty flashing-penis earrings pictured above. Yes... that's right. You know you're jealous.
After the party I took them off and put them in my purse. Never thought much of it. Occasionally I'd open my purse to pull out my wallet or camera and get a little chuckle from the penis earrings residing comfortably (incognito) at the bottom of my bag.
Couple weeks go by and I take my badge out of my purse to start off my work day. I go through all the motions: Pick my patient from the board, get report from the off-going nurse at the nurse's station, then gather a few things together to go meet the new patient.
I had been in her room for a few minutes when it became apparent that we needed to turn her to her side. As I look down to rearrange her pillows what do I notice on her bed??
Yep... wait for it...

A FLASHING PENIS EARRING!!

The thoughts that came next gyrated around in my head for maybe a millisecond.

1. OH MY GOD
2. This patient has the same earrings as me
3. How the hell did one of my earrings get into my patients bed
4. Should I ask her if it's hers
5. Should I leave it there and pretend I didn't see it
6. How quickly can I pick it up and put it elsewhere before she or her husband realize I've just picked something up from the bed and put it in my pocket?
7. Stay calm, try to breathe, don't make any funny faces

After that little cacophony of thoughts I rapidly picked up the flashing penis earring and placed it on the desk behind the label maker and went about the rest of my care.

I totally forgot about it. (Yes, I'm that good of a nurse... BWAHAHA)

It wasn't until later on that night... oh let's say around the magical hour of 3 a.m. that we were all chatting and the realization came to me that the flashing penis earring was still sitting where I'd left it. So I darted up and out of my seat... ran to the room... and thankfully, it was still there. The patient had been out of the room for several hours as well in case you were wondering.

Of course all the girls wanted to know what I had to run away from the desk from. I don't know how they caught the entire story between my hysterical laughing and tears but somehow by the end of it all we were all cracking up. I want to know how in the hell that little sucker hitched a ride on my badge and went unnoticed all the way from me putting it on in the car to reaching my patients room?!! Help a sister out people! Really! No one notices a flashing penis earring?? I find that hard to believe!

I know I've said that I'm going to try and merge my Mistress Auri self with my work self... but I draw the line at leaving phallic accouterments in bed with my patients.

That's just taking things a bit too far if you ask me.

Here's to hoping you all have something fabulously humbling and/or embarrassing happen to YOU this week!

I'm here to kick your ass and seal it with a kiss...

I'm feeling like I've found my superhero picture! All I need is to digitally throw on a couple of spatula there in holsters and I'd have my masterpiece!!

Random Shit For Your Entertainment

This picture is from the Muse/ Silver Sun Pickups concert that we went to last night. Oooh, so good!! I've been a fan of both for a little while now and I have to say I was blown away by the show!! If you get the chance to go... doooit!!

I don't watch the news... and no, it's not because I'm an ignorant American... it's because it's fucking sad as shit. Seriously. I get enough of the news from my hubby (History prof. in the making) and my facebook updates from Huffington Post. I was pretty saddened to hear of yet another mine explosion taking more lives needlessly. We made it to the moon... why in god's name can't we figure out how to live on some other type of energy economically? Why? Because of rich, balding bastards... that's why. And yes, that's my official stand.

Speaking of that... I decided to get back into yoga today. Damn it was fantastic! All that breathing, stretching, and that gorgeous lean, black, muscly instructor we had. All I could think about was his fantastic ass and killer shoulders. I mean, all I was thinking about was my inner chi and outer karma, and worldly dharma... In all seriousness though, I bought myself a pass and can't wait to start going back on a regular basis. It's nice that my kids are finally to the point where I don't feel guilty leaving my hubby alone with them to have a little 'me' time. Something that doesn't involve the consumption of large quantities of alcohol or food. My core feels great, my once too tight yoga pants are falling off of my ass (smile) and life is good.

I think it's time to get my old 35 mm camera out of the drawer that houses such things as a Bible/Book of Mormon, Thomas Guide of Los Angeles, and my high school panoramic picture. Seems at this point the only thing of much use to me is the camera. Sure the Thomas Guide might come in use someday... the other stuff... well, always good props when you know who comes a callin'. =) Damn I'm being horribly sacrilegious today. Oh shwell.

I have a new recipe I need to write up for you lovelies. Cajun Shrimp and Cappellini... yummy, yummy. Like all of my own recipes I'll have to try my best to be detailed with amounts... but that's not how I cook so I'm counting on you not to fuck it up -k-.

I wish I had a darkroom. You know, those dark rooms people used to go into for the purpose of developing film. My senior year of high school I was a photographer for the year book and had an advanced photography class. Much time was spent in small corners of dark rooms for me. And not just because I was getting groped and sucking face. I was actually being productive. Although I have to admit that I still have steamy dreams about that red light accentuating certain curves of naughty deeds=) If you've never had the pleasure to be in a darkroom developing your own pictures you know that it's a spiritual experience. Watching the magic of creating a picture occurring in your hands transforms the way you look at photographs. Perhaps that's why people like Ansel Adams have the ability to mesmerize me. I've never looked at one of his prints and wondered what it looks like in color. All the contrast I could ever want exists on that paper. Every detail, all the smooth subtlety of each crevice and bending tree. See... I'm wrapped up already.

Good gracious... it's 7:12 already! Apparently the snow has decided to take a break for a few because the sun is shining and it's time for me to get my kidlets ready for bed.

Hey, by the way, your mother called and says she wants her massager back. Looks like it's time to go out and buy one of your own=)

xoxo
Me

Easter Bunnies, Three Headed Beasts, and ME!

Taryn is currently running around singing "Girls have a vagina, like meeeee. And boys have a penis like Daddy and TT and Aidaaaaan." How am I supposed to think of anything to blog about when she's so freaking hilarious!? I ask you?

I know I promised pictures... but do you think I've gotten them developed yet... nope. Just say it... I know I'm a slacker. You'll be pleased to know that I have been taking them though=) That's got to count for something!
Tip #1 for attempting to restart your bloggy life: Don't try to write a post while your 3 children are awake and vying for your attention. Can you spell c-o-u-n-t-e-r-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e? Well I can and it comes in the form of a three headed beast. One that hangs on your arm, the other that screams in your ear, and the third that's tearing apart your house while the other two attempt to drive you mad. I haven't lost my temper today. You should be proud.

So... what kind of food do you think I should serve at a toy party... pigs in a blanket, spotted dick, melons, or should I just stick to something a little less obvious like... Sushi! No? You're no fun I tell you! Fine... I'll keep it on the up and up... but only because you've made me!
Guess what I did today? (you're way off... stop while you're ahead)
#1... Started by taking the hubby to work with the kids (because we're a one car family and I had shit to do today). He's a ray of sunshine in the morning... let me tell ya! I figure I'm just lucky that he didn't start spouting fire from his nostrils in the car.
#2... Took said kids grocery shopping in their jammies because this is Utah and we're cool with things like that (thank god)


#3... Got the little hellraisers ready and took them BACK to dad's work for the Easter Egg hunt... because as my friend Sara says "The Easter Bunny comes on Saturday so Jesus can come on Sunday"... I don't know why but that little saying makes me want to laugh hysterically. They had lots of fun... got a shitload of candy which is already gone... and are now all bouncing around the house complaining that their stomachs hurt=( Oh the rough life...

#4... Began a whole tray of peat moss seed starters which I planted with fine grade pot. (no not really) I actually planted spearmint and if you've ever planted spearmint you'll know that I'm not lying when I tell you I had to plant the seeds with a pair of tweezers. I'm a little surprised how focused I was considering I worked last night and still hadn't slept at this point. I'll be sure to take pics of my little lovelies... (which you'll probably never see unless I get my ass moving and develop some damn film!)

#5... Took a delightful nap with daughter Taryn. Or at least I slept... remember that three headed beast... the one that tears your house down around you?... pretty sure that was her while I was sleeping. My children are devious and lovely all in the same breath. Wherever do they get it?

#6... Sat myself down here at ye' ole' laptop to write to all of you.

So there.
Time to make some dinner... wanna come over? I'll wear my cute green flowery apron and I promise to find something to do with the spatula.

Yours Always,
Mistress A

Yes... that's my ass next to Robert Pattinson

Howdy Chowdy...

What's been going on lately? Yes, you... no answer? You mean you want me to ramble on aimlessly about what I'VE been doing?

Well ok... if you insist=)
So I've taken up photography (again) with film. "Mistress," you ask "what in the name of all that is holy... is film?" To which I reply that you are lovely dear but a complete ignoramus if you can't remember what that gold within the canister is. Are you so techno savvy that you don't remember where it is you came from? Shame! Well, anyway... yes, I've been taking lots and lots of pictures lately. If you're good monkeys I will develop (that's how you turn the canister into pictures) my little jewels and share them with you all. Because I'm sure you'll be very entertained=)

I've been preparing my garden for planting. Living in the land of the Salty Lake means that I have to wait for a bit to get started on my planting... but never fear... the harvest was plentiful last year and I'm doubling my gardening area this year so I'm sure I'll have plenty for you all to come over and eat some night. I know you're sooo excited...

My endeavors as the sex therapist of Labor and Delivery have expanded. I've decided to host a 'Slumber Party' with a nursie friend of mine at the end of April. And no, not the "bras and panties and pillows" kind of slumber party; this is the adult toy party type of gig. I thought it would be a blast to do that with all of my work friends... why not? You can come as my guest if you'd like... because I'm a good Mistress like that.

My brief but torrid affair with FaceBook is slowly coming to a cruising altitude status. Perhaps I have some type of AADD? New, shiny things tend to distract me from my old faves. How the hell am I still married? (When window shopping is just so fun) What does this mean to you? Well, it means that perhaps I'll be back over here in the land of bloggy more. And won't that just be a lovely little cup o' tea for all of us? I miss my bloggy buddies like Gorilla Bananas, Red Whine, Condi's Hair, Cooking Asshole, and all the rest of ya's. Really! I do=) Are you touched yet? You should be!
I also feel a naughty short coming on. For those of you new to my world, a naughty short is what I call a hot and bothered type of short story. Just enough to leave you with goose bumps but definitely not worthy of my fave vamp novelist, J.R. Ward. Damn I love that woman. Anyone who can write like that, make me feel like this, and make a shitload of money doing it is alright by me. WHAT!? You haven't the foggiest who she is?! For shame!! Go, now and check her out. (You're not doing it... I'll remember that later.)

Perhaps after my little Toy Party I'll write a Toy Review? I promise this time I'll do a little homework before purchasing the toy. Unlike last time. Man, what a rookie mistake. Hey... I'm only human. I think I'll plan ahead on that one and take lots of pics to commemorate the party. Deal?

And on that note. I'm sitting here listening to "Since I've Been Loving You" (and I'm not telling you who sings it because you should know ) and looking at my empty bottle of Rogue's Hazelnut Brown Ale and I'm thinking that with all its ups and downs life is pretty damn good. My kids are feisty, independent, fiercely loyal, and loving... My dad is close by, talented, loving, and a wonderful grandpa, My husband drives me crazy, drives me wild, and drives me to drink but at least he drives me. So ya, things are pretty good. And as long as I have all of you who listen to me from time to time I think I might just be okay=)

Mwah!

Sleep tight...don't let the Mistress bite!

xoxo

A little peek at my dad's book...

For those of you who don't know... my pops is a professional photographer and has been working on a book for about a year now. The other day we went up the canyon to shoot a few more pics to wrap things up...

Check them out=)

Beanie Cap Guy

xoxo

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A

The Waterproof Prostate Massager (Toy Reviews, Edition 2)

So here it is... the second edition of Mistress Auri and Miss Salti's Toy Reviews...

Mistress Auri, here. I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for this little thing so try to calm yourself a ... it will be okay.

Our friend above here is called the Waterproof Prostate Massager. Can I tell you why this makes me laugh like an old woman? Because I had no idea whatsoever that it was meant for the prostate... which for those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful male anatomy would be the small gland located inside of their anus that when massaged is somewhat more intense (or so I'm told) than our g-spot. Not having a prostate myself, I think the comparison is sketchy and sounds like something a man would say. When I bought this little toy there was nothing on the packaging about a prostate... NADA! You can imagine that it's good for the g-spot too though... so that's what I found it useful for. It's not very pretty to look at... kinda makes you feel like you're plunging yourself with a metal pipe... but I guess if you're into that it might be just what you're looking for?! I however like things that are a little more soft, gentle, and look more sexy when being used. It's waterproof so by all means take it in the shower or tub and let loose! The batteries seem to last for quite a while (however we've established that maybe I'm not the best judge of this since everyone around me seems to change their batteries every couple of weeks and mine last years!) If you're thinking of getting this for your man... might I suggest THE TALK first? "What talk would that be Mistress," you ask... well dear... that would be the doyoulikeituptheass talk. And if you can't have the talk then perhaps this toy (in its intended use) is a little advanced for you. There are plenty of lubes to accompany such a toy...

For those burly "ofcourseIdon'tlikeituptheass" men. Doc Johnson's Man Grease. A good lube with a humorous package to 'ease' you into the moment.
And don't forget Mr. Marcus' Booty Butter... how could I not choose this? Look at the name... sometimes it's all in the presentation...

And last but certainly not least...
Adam and Eve is a great site (like I've said before) and when they put out a lube... you listen.

And again for those of you who are all about the numbers game...

Ease of Use:
4/5

Durability:
3/5

'O' Factor:
3/5

Price:
5/5

That gives our little Toy a 15/20... Not as good as the i-vibe... but good enough to get the job done well and it doesn't sound like a lawnmower... that's a good thing by the way.

So, venture forth...
find a good lube...
strike up a wicked hot bath...

And let the games begin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ms. Salti over here... Apparently I'm supposed to do a review, mention how it relates to Megan Fox and include a tres sexy picture of her with it. How in the HELL am I supposed to do that? I'm not sure either... so strap on your strap-ons (that will forever be my favorite line) cuz we're goin' for a ride!

So, I'm not sure exactly why in some realms of the adult toy industry this fantastic little piece of machinery is referred to as a prostate massager. Better yet, I'm not sure why the one Auri owns was packaged as such because I have a very similar one that was labeled as a G-Spot stimluator. (And you'll be interested to know that as I was typing "stimulator" my fingers slipped - get your minds out of the gutter - and typed something random like 'sty9lskhu' because they got very excited.)

Moving right along... If you're looking for a G-spot stimulator that is softer and/or prettier than the one shown above, then this is the toy for you! The one above is called the Pinks Bombay G-Spot Vibrator.

I bought this little gem a little over a year ago, and after the first time I used it, I decided I was never leaving the house again. Too bad I had to go to work and try to lead a normal life. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the toy is actually a plain old vibrator covered in a textured silicone sleeve. I've always just left the sleeve on so I can't speak to it's function as a regular vibrator. But believe me, with the sleeve on, you'll be a very happy camper!

Girls, if you've never found your g-spot on your own, first, shame on you, second, go buy one of these toys. If you can't find your g-spot using this, then I would consider the fact that maybe you just don't have one. And make an appointment with your gyno.

Men, if you've never found your woman's g-spot, first, double shame on you, second, have her use this fantastic little toy and show you where it is. And once you've found it, don't leave.The only two things (and they're related) that I don't like about this are 1) the on/off is a button at the base of the toy, and 2) there are only 3 speeds. I prefer the turn-knobs as they're easier to operate when you're all hot and bothered and they generally offer more range in vibration.

Overall rating of this toy: 16/20

Ease of use - 3/5
Durability - 4/5
O factor - 5/5
Price - 4/5

If you're looking for a new toy, and want to expand your horizons, this is the one you want! I bet even Megan Fox has one...

Giardia (or La Guardia as my hubby calls it)

This, my friends, is the little bastard that has assumably been riding shotgun in my intestines for the last five days. Yes, you heard me right, FIVE DAYS!
I'm going to cry.
I didn't even get to take a fabulous vacay to Mexico where all Americans go to get said intestinal bug (usually). That, I could live with. Then I would have a kick-ass story to go along with the kick-ass 'other stuff'... let's face it... when it comes to sex I can divulge all the deets. However, when it comes to bodily functions I may be a nurse but this is not the outlet for that type of self expression. At least not today.
Come back tomorrow... I may change my mind. What!? It's been known to happen!

Funny story came out of all of it though... once again your favorite Mistress is going to turn a horribly embarrassing story into something very funny because therapy is expensive and blogging is free.

I head in to work knowing that I'm not feeling the best but I can handle it because I'm used to my guts being naughty. I was born broken, boo hoo. Anyway... back to the story. Round about the middle of the night things start to get really ugly.

REALLY UGLY

Instead of just the 'sit downs' (we'll call them) I start getting a little queasy so I think to myself "no big deal, I'll just eat a little rice and take it easy."

*EVIL LAUGH FROM BUG ABOVE*

I dart to the locker room thinking I'm going to lose it... false alarm. I just kneel there and pant for a few seconds. I think I just got cold feet because I didn't take a towel in the bathroom to sit on and I have issues with public restrooms... eeew.
So... few minutes go by... my sweet co workers are looking at me like I might implode at any moment- which is pretty accurate given the state of my intestinal tract and the evil passenger I have that's eating away the lining of my body and replacing it with mad amounts of inappropriate gas. (If this is your first time here... I'm always full of too much information so you have my permission to leave anytime).

*EVIL CACKLE FROM BUG ABOVE, DOWN BELOW*

I know this is it... I'm officially going down at work. How freaking embarrassing! So I grab a blanket and dart back into the ladies.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

LITERALLY

You know how you hear people talking about the spins. Usually happens when they've been drinking, right?! Well, I hadn't fucking been to Mexico, hadn't fucking been drinking, and I had the spins!! Then I get a case of the old ladies (hot flash) so I proceed to rip all my clothes off. Which would have been easier if I hadn't been such an idiot and worn a long sleeve body suit to work that day.

So, naked little me, not sure which direction is up, trying to put the blanket on the floor because god forbid I pass out on the floor on my bare skin!! (please say you're laughing now otherwise it's just pathetic)

Thankfully it gets better... Eventually I fell asleep and woke up able to discern my ass from a tea cup and a girl I work with drove me home.

How do I get myself into these situations?!

Oh ya... did I mention that was my New Year's Eve? So, how was yours?? =)
Much love,
Mistress Auri