Good lord it's hot outside

Oy Vey,
Did I spell that correctly? Let's hope so lest I piss someone off. Life is just about too crazy to try and sum up these days. Yes folks, the mistress is having one hell of a shit storm. But that's what life is right? Right!

So, not going to cry about it at the moment. Just going to sit here and blog about this and that. Like the fact that this idiotic tab key is refusing to cooperate unless I pound the ever-living-love out of it. It's like it wants to be beaten. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you're a PERSON. But this is an expensive piece of equipment and I prefer not to beat it into submission. Catch my drift?

The garden is at least twice the size of last year. And you know how my attention wained last year round this time. Well... the garden is my happy place. I wander around the veggies and the fruit and I train the tender vines and somehow life has order and all is right in the world. And for a couple of hours each day I can breath and be calm. It's some pretty therapeutic shit... I'm telling you. Don't have time for therapy? Get yourself a garden. Unless of course you hate getting dirty, can't stand bugs, or have issues with prickly things. Then you'd pretty much suck at the whole gardening thing.

The baby business is going. We have our busy days as this is definitely our busy time of year. But we are a business after all and somehow beautiful things always have to be turned into businesses. Can you understand what I'm saying here? Let's just say that some days my work haven stresses me out to no end. But... I guess the rest of you are rolling your eyes and patting me on the back... telling me to join the club. No more bitching... it wears me out;)

My little monkey butts are getting so big! Taryn just had her 4th birthday! Can you believe it? My youngest is 4! My oldest will be in 3rd grade this year and my middle guy will be in kindergarten. Kind of crazy to see how quickly they're all coming in to their own. It's very rewarding these days. I've started writing down some of the more insane things that come out of their mouths... for example "No testicles for dinner tonight"... that's one of my personal favorites. As if we've every had testicles for dinner! Now liver, hearts, and giblets are one thing... but TESTICLES... that's just cruel;)

For those of you who keep up with miss Salti's blog she's better about writing about my life and the kids than I am. Then again that pretty much sums up our entire life/friendship together=) It's a handy thing.

Alright then you crazy beautiful people. Be good to each other. I know you won't do it because you misbehave constantly but before you go to bed I want to you think of 5 things you're thankful for.

If you feel inclined leave me a comment and let me know what they are=)
Auri

Easter Bunnies, Three Headed Beasts, and ME!

Taryn is currently running around singing "Girls have a vagina, like meeeee. And boys have a penis like Daddy and TT and Aidaaaaan." How am I supposed to think of anything to blog about when she's so freaking hilarious!? I ask you?

I know I promised pictures... but do you think I've gotten them developed yet... nope. Just say it... I know I'm a slacker. You'll be pleased to know that I have been taking them though=) That's got to count for something!
Tip #1 for attempting to restart your bloggy life: Don't try to write a post while your 3 children are awake and vying for your attention. Can you spell c-o-u-n-t-e-r-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e? Well I can and it comes in the form of a three headed beast. One that hangs on your arm, the other that screams in your ear, and the third that's tearing apart your house while the other two attempt to drive you mad. I haven't lost my temper today. You should be proud.

So... what kind of food do you think I should serve at a toy party... pigs in a blanket, spotted dick, melons, or should I just stick to something a little less obvious like... Sushi! No? You're no fun I tell you! Fine... I'll keep it on the up and up... but only because you've made me!
Guess what I did today? (you're way off... stop while you're ahead)
#1... Started by taking the hubby to work with the kids (because we're a one car family and I had shit to do today). He's a ray of sunshine in the morning... let me tell ya! I figure I'm just lucky that he didn't start spouting fire from his nostrils in the car.
#2... Took said kids grocery shopping in their jammies because this is Utah and we're cool with things like that (thank god)


#3... Got the little hellraisers ready and took them BACK to dad's work for the Easter Egg hunt... because as my friend Sara says "The Easter Bunny comes on Saturday so Jesus can come on Sunday"... I don't know why but that little saying makes me want to laugh hysterically. They had lots of fun... got a shitload of candy which is already gone... and are now all bouncing around the house complaining that their stomachs hurt=( Oh the rough life...

#4... Began a whole tray of peat moss seed starters which I planted with fine grade pot. (no not really) I actually planted spearmint and if you've ever planted spearmint you'll know that I'm not lying when I tell you I had to plant the seeds with a pair of tweezers. I'm a little surprised how focused I was considering I worked last night and still hadn't slept at this point. I'll be sure to take pics of my little lovelies... (which you'll probably never see unless I get my ass moving and develop some damn film!)

#5... Took a delightful nap with daughter Taryn. Or at least I slept... remember that three headed beast... the one that tears your house down around you?... pretty sure that was her while I was sleeping. My children are devious and lovely all in the same breath. Wherever do they get it?

#6... Sat myself down here at ye' ole' laptop to write to all of you.

So there.
Time to make some dinner... wanna come over? I'll wear my cute green flowery apron and I promise to find something to do with the spatula.

Yours Always,
Mistress A

The Amazing, Tantalizing, Infuriating, Liberating, Vibrating, Flying Dildo... (as promised)

Okay... so I'm just warning you before you start this one... this is a true 'Mistress Auri' type of post. You'll be hearing lots of grown up words (as we call them in our house) and experiencing a very personal story from yours truly.

Duh.

Now that that's out of the way!
LET'S GET ON WITH THE GOOD SHIT!

You need a little history to appreciate my husband and I in the bedroom. We have a great sex life. My interests have changed over the years as far as foreplay are concerned but I've always remained open with him and communicated what I've needed
You should be impressed...

So... the only time I like him using his fingers for a little pre game warm up are when a) I'm drunk or b) I'm already warmed up. He knows this!

So... I wake up to him asking me to take the oldest to school because he's tired (and I'm not apparently)... okay fine... I'll be good because I want sex.
I come home and he's still sleeping (although in his defense he has folded a load of laundry in my absence...good man).

I climb into bed and the two youngest come down and knock on the door because they're hungry (I am slowly getting less and less interested in sex)

I get up from bed and figure I'll give them food... after all, that will buy us and extra 10 minutes and that means we may get to start of with a little oral sex for me... which is a fab way to start off the morning! (but again... why haven't they eaten in my absence? another unanswered question.)

Kids fed... but then my annoying female brain notices that the washing machine isn't going (I know... believe me... I'm annoying myself by now) and I start to get a little irritated that hubby didn't throw a load in when he took the other load out... because...

DUH...

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE!

on to the dildo part...

I get back into bed... slip out of the robe. He's out of his clothes now too and what does he do?! He sticks his hand right between my legs! SORRY! I'm just not a light switch... I have more than two functions!

So I pull away a bit and he gets pissed off. He asks what I want (so thoughtful of him!)... to which I gracefully reply with the tone of a trucker in heat...
"get on top of me"

Well apparently that's when the shit hit the fan folks! Because at that moment... He jumped up out of bed and stormed off into the closet.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sitting there naked contemplating what just happened...
out of nowhere...

a large, flesh colored, veiny, supple, dildo comes flying out of the walk-in closet towards me on the bed narrowly missing my head as my husband is exclaiming
"Here! Use this! It's obvious you just want a dick to rub up against anyway!"

Well excuse the flying (dildo) fuck out of me!! I gathered the sheets up around me... slightly amused (thought I'd never admit that to him), horrified, pissed beyond recognition, and grabbed the very perfect (yes ladies... very perfect) dildo firmly in my right hand, gripped tightly and screamed and the top of my lungs... "That was rude! Don't you ever fucking do that again!" And with an extra squeeze to my good buddy whom I don't normally throw anywhere... I tossed that sonofabitch back into the closet with the intention of seriously maiming anyone/thing that it came in contact with. I'm sure that I'll be getting a call from the fast pitch coach any day now... they had to have heard that pitch at least 50 miles away.

Well... what came after is neither very exciting... nor really any of your business...
(yet somehow that all was... )
Suffice it to say that I am sitting here with my fab hubby writing this and I told him that I would be.
He though it was a lovely idea...

To bring the story back around. I went back in the closet later that day to collect my large friend and put him back in his house... couldn't find him. Didn't feel like asking hubby where he was yet. Oh well... I'd find him someday (or someone would...)

YAH...

YESTERDAY!
Sitting there folding laundry on the bed with the entire family... my middle guy, Aidan, comes walking up to the bed from the closet holding what?

OH LORD... NO... PLEASE...

Yes... just when you thought the story couldn't get any worse. He found it. He was swinging it around. He's like "what's this guys"... with a completely straight face my hub was like "it's a fake penis... what's it look like."

Now he won't stop asking about the thing. I paid $70 god damned for that thing and now after one awful week of bad luck with it I don't think I'll touch it again...

I need a nap

And maybe some Xanax

I'm GUILTY...Put me in hancuffs...

Yah... I'm feeling a little guilty tonight. No, I'm not trying to win the popularity contest like my dad always says. It's just that I was really frustrated at work the other day so I vented about it this morning and now I feel like I just unloaded all of my shit onto everyone else.
oops.
Kind of icky. Yah. Well. Like the girls say above. Networking, right!? I'll be better about that... next time... at least you all forgive me.

So. I do love work though. Lots of babies being born lately. Tis the season. Spring and all. After a long day today I go back in tomorrow evening and then back the day after to teach a neonatal resuscitation course... so I guess I should go to sleep now. I just realized it's almost midnight.

Have been doing a little research on migraines and medications. I'm a little sick of feeling like a ditz on this medication I'm taking right now... go figure. Plus it makes my fingers numb (which is a pain in the ass for my patients when I'm trying to start their IV) so I need to switch meds.

My daughter informed me today that her 'gina' pronounced with a long i is "pretty cool" and she thinks she'll keep it. Thank God. I was worried she'd trade it in for a while. Whew.
I had to threaten the boys with separate baths tonight. We had to have the whole "we call them 'privates' because you don't touch any one else's but your own" speech tonight like 53 times and I'd just about had enough. The allure is strong. For the love of all things holy kids... keep your freaking hands to yourself!!! It's an uphill battle.
Anyway.
Bath time ended well. The children are alive and asleep. Tristan and I stayed up and enjoyed the chapter in Harry Potter about Felix Felicis (the potion that brings good luck) and I dig all the questions that he asks this time around! He's crazy smart.
Tomorrow we go to Costco to get his glasses!!! They were actually in Saturday but I'm a bad mother and waited this long to pick them up. yah..oh well.
alright... I'm going to bed.

Lesser of two evils?

I've been thinking of something for a while now, being a full-time working mom and wife with a husband that works full- time as well. Is it really better that we try to limit the amount of child care we use? Or are we just putting more strain on our marriage? There are more reasons than just altruism that we do it. Monetarily it is nice to be able to have a little extra money now and then to do things like, I don't know, buy groceries... instead of paying through the nose for daycare, but in all sincerity...
I often hear people make the comment "oh that's so good" when I tell them that we usually don't need daycare for our kids. I mean a friend that I work with comes and watches them every now and then when our schedules don't work out but that's not very often and not for that long. I was always of the opinion that I didn't have kids so that other people could raise them. That was before I had three kids who could all walk.
Thing seem different now. I almost feel that things might be better managed if we were all out of the house at the same time and all came back together in the evenings. You know... the 'traditional' way. The way 'they' used to do it. Maybe it's just more stressful for me being alone with the kids and trying to juggle housework at the same time. I guess it's because I'm also trying to do fun things with them too. I want to be the mom that gives them individual time and reads to them and helps them fall asleep by tickling their back. Instead I turn into this amazon that runs around the house yelling because everyone is in different corners trying to get my attention by doing crazy things. And I think the worst part is... I'm usually alone. The same goes for my husband too. When I'm at work he's here alone with the kids so I'm sure he deals with the same type of stuff.
There is a balance. I know there is. I hope there is. There has to be. I'm amazed that my mom was a single parent for as long as she was. I can't even begin to imagine what she must have gone through trying to raise me. I know I wasn't a crazy hellion by any means. But I was a fairly emotional girl. I guess it's only fair that I deal with some of that from my kids. I watch the women around me and try to draw from their strengths. I love strong women. What keeps them upright/sane? How do they balance their lives?
I know they've learned to let a lot role off of their backs. I'm getting a lot better at that. Especially being alone with three kids. You can't be everywhere at once so you have to learn that clothes are made to get dirty... kids can be thrown in a tub. Hair will grow back. I love all of those book titles that have become cliche now... "Don't sweat the small stuff"... "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten"... stuff like that. I really think phrases like that come up more often for me on a daily basis than just about anything else. Oh and the golden rule. Can't forget that one.

So in answer to the question whether it's better to use daycare or not. Who knows? I don't. I know that I've done both. I probably will again sometime in the future.

I'm also not perfect. Thank God they forgive me for my imperfections and still love me. They know that when mommy has a migraine they need to be extra good and quiet otherwise I'll break. They seem to have ultra perfect days when all I can do is just sit there and love them constantly for how well behaved and beautiful they are. The house is never clean but who the hell cares? I try. If you come over I'll be sure to give the toilet bowl a scrub before you get here and wipe the toothpaste off of the seat before you sit down... but I can't guarantee that the syrup will be gone from the table...after all... we just had pancakes for dinner=)

These are a few of my favorite things

I know these pictures are a little old... August through December of last year to be specific. But they're kind of fun. Trent and I went camping for my birthday (but of course) and my dad came to watch the kids for us. We went up to the Uintah's to a little area called Murdock Basin where I spent a lot of time as a kid backpacking and fishing.
This pictures of the kids and animals is at a local place called Wheeler Farm. Really cool! It's completely free! You can take the kids there and pet all the animals, play around the park and in the fall go grab a pumpkin. The kids had a great time following the gigantic geese. I was surprised the geese didn't try to chase them (apparently they caught sight of Trent and I).
We had a pretty low key Christmas here at the house. We don't really get too done up on Christmas morning... as you could probably guess by the attire of diapers and jammies=). I really love the pictures of my dad and Aidan on the swing taking a nap... pretty sweet.
For Thanksgiving we had our friends Krystal and her sister Zandra over with her little girl. The turkey was pretty damn tasty (too toot my own horn) and it was nice to put the kids at their own table for once! It was the first time this year I had occasion to break out the good china too. That was passed down from my Great-Grandma... I'll have to photograph it someday... it's gorgeous!
Anywho...off to make mac 'n chili for the naughty monkies... not that I think they truly deserve a homecooked meal (or box cooked) after the display they put on today at Costco... but apparently the rule book states they must be fed... so off I go;)
xoxo
Miss A

This is not a blog award...

So Miss Salti... I will play along with your wily games because I like ya! But no one else! teeheehee...
The name of the game here is to post 7 things that make you happy. I figure that's a worthwhile cause.
1. Getting to go grocery shopping alone with my hubby
(if you are without children then you won't truly understand the gravity of this statement until you have some of your own). I always hate excluding people who don't have kids... but let me say that grocery shopping can be kind of fun when you have time to just mosey through the isles. There's the occasional ass grab as a member of the shopping party bends over to grab something off the bottom shelf. You can make dirty gestures with the veggies... stuff like that=)
2. An empty sink AND an empty dishwasher
translation: someone other than myself has been putting dishes away and that is just too fabulous for words. Not that I mind it all that much... but it's a tasty treat.
3. Dark chocolate
There's this really hot, very sweet, kind of dorky, guy that works for a certain Italian deli here in SLC. He does classes for random things like cheese, chocolate, olive oil... well I've taken his cheese and chocolate classes and I love him, oops I mean them. Anyway... he helped me strengthen my love and appreciation for dark chocolate. Thanks Troy.
4. Getting lost in a good book
I absolutely love discovering new worlds in books. I get so lost in my head imagining what I'm reading. I sometimes refer to books as my version of Prozac. Who's with me?!
5. A good orgasm
(you ask what's the difference between an 'o' and a 'good o'? well... there's a difference. And for the nominal fee of $50 a month I'll tell ya all about it.
6. Erica (aka Miss Salti)
aww shucks... I know. What's left to say? I don't know. She's my other 'other' half. I get cranky when she's not around. And I probably don't appreciate her enough when she is around. She's the only person I feel like talking to regardless of my mood. (and that doesn't mean I love the rest of you any less). She makes me happy. Oh ya, and she makes my toes beautiful... so what's not to love?
7. My hubby
As much as he drives me crazy he also drives me wild. I can't imagine a world without him in it. He makes me happy in such subtle ways that I don't realize why I'm unhappy until he is. That makes no sense... but that's alright. I can totally be myself with him. He's helped me become the person I am today.

Sassy Sister (aka Taryn)

For the first two years of her life Taryn would not let me do her hair. I might be able to get it into a ponytail... but 5 seconds later she would pull it out again.
Something happened when she turned two. She found her inner sass... her girly side. She wakes up every morning and asks "Hair pretty?" Then she wants to wash her hands, put gloss on her lips, and have me pretend to do her makeup. She refuses to go to bed with no less than two blankies, a pink care bear, and a stuffed puppy.

After she's ready for the day she wants her picture taken. Now I know she's my child=)

The only downside is she refuses to let me take her hair out at night... so she wakes up with wild woman hair. She will have dreads some day...

She needs no coaxing to pose. I think we can thank her hams-for-brothers for that. The bonk on her eye is from one of her famous tantrums in her room. Apparently all that sass builds up from time to time and leads to a meltdown?!

She is now, officially, "miss pussycap"... self proclaimed title. She loves to match the caps with her outfit for the day. Doesn't always get it right... but I guess that's "the look."

Just like the boys she inherited the dimples from Trent and I. My mom and dad also have them on both sides... can't think if Trent's parents do or not??

I was cornered in the bathroom the other morning for yet another picture opp... how lucky am I to have such a star in my own home=)

Can you hear her saying "Mommy, I pretty. Take my picture!" Man she's cute!