The Fabulous Flashing Phallic Earrings

I'm sure you're all wondering how the toy party went... It was FABULOUS!! But that's not really what this story's about. This story is about the earrings that I wore to the party. I wore the deliciously naughty flashing-penis earrings pictured above. Yes... that's right. You know you're jealous.
After the party I took them off and put them in my purse. Never thought much of it. Occasionally I'd open my purse to pull out my wallet or camera and get a little chuckle from the penis earrings residing comfortably (incognito) at the bottom of my bag.
Couple weeks go by and I take my badge out of my purse to start off my work day. I go through all the motions: Pick my patient from the board, get report from the off-going nurse at the nurse's station, then gather a few things together to go meet the new patient.
I had been in her room for a few minutes when it became apparent that we needed to turn her to her side. As I look down to rearrange her pillows what do I notice on her bed??
Yep... wait for it...

A FLASHING PENIS EARRING!!

The thoughts that came next gyrated around in my head for maybe a millisecond.

1. OH MY GOD
2. This patient has the same earrings as me
3. How the hell did one of my earrings get into my patients bed
4. Should I ask her if it's hers
5. Should I leave it there and pretend I didn't see it
6. How quickly can I pick it up and put it elsewhere before she or her husband realize I've just picked something up from the bed and put it in my pocket?
7. Stay calm, try to breathe, don't make any funny faces

After that little cacophony of thoughts I rapidly picked up the flashing penis earring and placed it on the desk behind the label maker and went about the rest of my care.

I totally forgot about it. (Yes, I'm that good of a nurse... BWAHAHA)

It wasn't until later on that night... oh let's say around the magical hour of 3 a.m. that we were all chatting and the realization came to me that the flashing penis earring was still sitting where I'd left it. So I darted up and out of my seat... ran to the room... and thankfully, it was still there. The patient had been out of the room for several hours as well in case you were wondering.

Of course all the girls wanted to know what I had to run away from the desk from. I don't know how they caught the entire story between my hysterical laughing and tears but somehow by the end of it all we were all cracking up. I want to know how in the hell that little sucker hitched a ride on my badge and went unnoticed all the way from me putting it on in the car to reaching my patients room?!! Help a sister out people! Really! No one notices a flashing penis earring?? I find that hard to believe!

I know I've said that I'm going to try and merge my Mistress Auri self with my work self... but I draw the line at leaving phallic accouterments in bed with my patients.

That's just taking things a bit too far if you ask me.

Here's to hoping you all have something fabulously humbling and/or embarrassing happen to YOU this week!

Giardia (or La Guardia as my hubby calls it)

This, my friends, is the little bastard that has assumably been riding shotgun in my intestines for the last five days. Yes, you heard me right, FIVE DAYS!
I'm going to cry.
I didn't even get to take a fabulous vacay to Mexico where all Americans go to get said intestinal bug (usually). That, I could live with. Then I would have a kick-ass story to go along with the kick-ass 'other stuff'... let's face it... when it comes to sex I can divulge all the deets. However, when it comes to bodily functions I may be a nurse but this is not the outlet for that type of self expression. At least not today.
Come back tomorrow... I may change my mind. What!? It's been known to happen!

Funny story came out of all of it though... once again your favorite Mistress is going to turn a horribly embarrassing story into something very funny because therapy is expensive and blogging is free.

I head in to work knowing that I'm not feeling the best but I can handle it because I'm used to my guts being naughty. I was born broken, boo hoo. Anyway... back to the story. Round about the middle of the night things start to get really ugly.

REALLY UGLY

Instead of just the 'sit downs' (we'll call them) I start getting a little queasy so I think to myself "no big deal, I'll just eat a little rice and take it easy."

*EVIL LAUGH FROM BUG ABOVE*

I dart to the locker room thinking I'm going to lose it... false alarm. I just kneel there and pant for a few seconds. I think I just got cold feet because I didn't take a towel in the bathroom to sit on and I have issues with public restrooms... eeew.
So... few minutes go by... my sweet co workers are looking at me like I might implode at any moment- which is pretty accurate given the state of my intestinal tract and the evil passenger I have that's eating away the lining of my body and replacing it with mad amounts of inappropriate gas. (If this is your first time here... I'm always full of too much information so you have my permission to leave anytime).

*EVIL CACKLE FROM BUG ABOVE, DOWN BELOW*

I know this is it... I'm officially going down at work. How freaking embarrassing! So I grab a blanket and dart back into the ladies.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

LITERALLY

You know how you hear people talking about the spins. Usually happens when they've been drinking, right?! Well, I hadn't fucking been to Mexico, hadn't fucking been drinking, and I had the spins!! Then I get a case of the old ladies (hot flash) so I proceed to rip all my clothes off. Which would have been easier if I hadn't been such an idiot and worn a long sleeve body suit to work that day.

So, naked little me, not sure which direction is up, trying to put the blanket on the floor because god forbid I pass out on the floor on my bare skin!! (please say you're laughing now otherwise it's just pathetic)

Thankfully it gets better... Eventually I fell asleep and woke up able to discern my ass from a tea cup and a girl I work with drove me home.

How do I get myself into these situations?!

Oh ya... did I mention that was my New Year's Eve? So, how was yours?? =)
Much love,
Mistress Auri

A Girl Can Dream...

Wanted:

Sugar Daddy...

You know... the usual. Just someone to pay the bills so I can spend more time doing things around the house with the kids.



Maybe he could provide a nanny so I could take a vacation to some humble location now and then?


If you know anyone who would be interested... let me know;)

Mistress A

Apparently I'm Confused...

There we lay in bed, cozy and warm. Aidan on my right and Trent on my left. Out of a deep sleep I jumped up from beneath the sheets and duvet screaming...

me: What time is it?! (frantically searching around as if I don't know where my bedside clock is located)
hubby: Why, what's wrong?
me: (finally locating the elusive clock) Oh man, it's 5:55 I've got to get ready for work! I get ready at 6. What's today? Is today Sunday? I work today!
hubby: Yah today's Sunday but it's 5 in the morning (sounding like he's going to disown me) so go back to bed!
me: (laughing) Oh! Sorry... I can't believe I just did that! Yah... I'm special...

And that, folks, is how I woke up this morning.

How did you wake up this morning?