Dear Mistress,

Let's turn the time over to you, my lovelies. I get asked so many questions these days (and honestly, I'm running out of brain juice to entertain you with) and I would love to be able to devote a blog post to each of your questions. I don't care what kind of questions they are... well, that's not to say I don't care, I just have no personal bias. Sex is always a fun one, gardening is second only to cooking and sex, questions about kids, relationship advice... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I'm also kind of interested to see what's on the minds of my friends and readers. I know what you all blog about but that doesn't necessarily mean that's what you're thinking about throughout the day. Some of you blog about your families exclusively (and although I'm sure you're great parents, there's probably more to you than that!)

So... here's your chance...

Let's play...

DEAR MISTRESS!

And while you're thinking of what to write to me... here's a little something for your naughty enjoyment=) Thank me later!

The Waterproof Prostate Massager (Toy Reviews, Edition 2)

So here it is... the second edition of Mistress Auri and Miss Salti's Toy Reviews...

Mistress Auri, here. I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for this little thing so try to calm yourself a ... it will be okay.

Our friend above here is called the Waterproof Prostate Massager. Can I tell you why this makes me laugh like an old woman? Because I had no idea whatsoever that it was meant for the prostate... which for those of you unfamiliar with the beautiful male anatomy would be the small gland located inside of their anus that when massaged is somewhat more intense (or so I'm told) than our g-spot. Not having a prostate myself, I think the comparison is sketchy and sounds like something a man would say. When I bought this little toy there was nothing on the packaging about a prostate... NADA! You can imagine that it's good for the g-spot too though... so that's what I found it useful for. It's not very pretty to look at... kinda makes you feel like you're plunging yourself with a metal pipe... but I guess if you're into that it might be just what you're looking for?! I however like things that are a little more soft, gentle, and look more sexy when being used. It's waterproof so by all means take it in the shower or tub and let loose! The batteries seem to last for quite a while (however we've established that maybe I'm not the best judge of this since everyone around me seems to change their batteries every couple of weeks and mine last years!) If you're thinking of getting this for your man... might I suggest THE TALK first? "What talk would that be Mistress," you ask... well dear... that would be the doyoulikeituptheass talk. And if you can't have the talk then perhaps this toy (in its intended use) is a little advanced for you. There are plenty of lubes to accompany such a toy...

For those burly "ofcourseIdon'tlikeituptheass" men. Doc Johnson's Man Grease. A good lube with a humorous package to 'ease' you into the moment.
And don't forget Mr. Marcus' Booty Butter... how could I not choose this? Look at the name... sometimes it's all in the presentation...

And last but certainly not least...
Adam and Eve is a great site (like I've said before) and when they put out a lube... you listen.

And again for those of you who are all about the numbers game...

Ease of Use:
4/5

Durability:
3/5

'O' Factor:
3/5

Price:
5/5

That gives our little Toy a 15/20... Not as good as the i-vibe... but good enough to get the job done well and it doesn't sound like a lawnmower... that's a good thing by the way.

So, venture forth...
find a good lube...
strike up a wicked hot bath...

And let the games begin...

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Ms. Salti over here... Apparently I'm supposed to do a review, mention how it relates to Megan Fox and include a tres sexy picture of her with it. How in the HELL am I supposed to do that? I'm not sure either... so strap on your strap-ons (that will forever be my favorite line) cuz we're goin' for a ride!

So, I'm not sure exactly why in some realms of the adult toy industry this fantastic little piece of machinery is referred to as a prostate massager. Better yet, I'm not sure why the one Auri owns was packaged as such because I have a very similar one that was labeled as a G-Spot stimluator. (And you'll be interested to know that as I was typing "stimulator" my fingers slipped - get your minds out of the gutter - and typed something random like 'sty9lskhu' because they got very excited.)

Moving right along... If you're looking for a G-spot stimulator that is softer and/or prettier than the one shown above, then this is the toy for you! The one above is called the Pinks Bombay G-Spot Vibrator.

I bought this little gem a little over a year ago, and after the first time I used it, I decided I was never leaving the house again. Too bad I had to go to work and try to lead a normal life. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the toy is actually a plain old vibrator covered in a textured silicone sleeve. I've always just left the sleeve on so I can't speak to it's function as a regular vibrator. But believe me, with the sleeve on, you'll be a very happy camper!

Girls, if you've never found your g-spot on your own, first, shame on you, second, go buy one of these toys. If you can't find your g-spot using this, then I would consider the fact that maybe you just don't have one. And make an appointment with your gyno.

Men, if you've never found your woman's g-spot, first, double shame on you, second, have her use this fantastic little toy and show you where it is. And once you've found it, don't leave.The only two things (and they're related) that I don't like about this are 1) the on/off is a button at the base of the toy, and 2) there are only 3 speeds. I prefer the turn-knobs as they're easier to operate when you're all hot and bothered and they generally offer more range in vibration.

Overall rating of this toy: 16/20

Ease of use - 3/5
Durability - 4/5
O factor - 5/5
Price - 4/5

If you're looking for a new toy, and want to expand your horizons, this is the one you want! I bet even Megan Fox has one...

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket (Toy Reviews, Edition 1)

The i-Vibe Pocket Rocket. Do you know why this little gem is number 4 on Adam & Eve's most popular mini-vibrator list? Hmm? Because ladies and gents, it's small, it's waterproof, it's versatile, it doesn't have cords, and it packs one hell of a punch as far as orgasms are concerned.

I thought I would start out the much anticipated Toy Reviews with my personal favorite. Only fair?! Remember back to my quiz? Well, you must first understand what stimulates you. Typically this type of vibrator is used for clitoral stimulation but might I also recommend a little teasing (without penetration) of the backdoor? I know... some of you are blushing a mad shade of red right about now. It's also very titillating for the nipples. The tip is removable and reveals three silver balls. I prefer using it this way. The cap just makes it a little too irritating for me (personal preference). Most of these models come with several kinds of caps that produce different sensations so get creative!

Be sure to remember that it's waterproof. That's right... WATERPROOF... meaning that it's fully submersible. So go run a bath... put on your favorite soaking tunes... and let the real party begin! My husband bought me a book a while back entitled Toy Gasms.

If you haven't seen or heard of this little book... GO PICK IT UP RIGHT NOW. Really... this isn't like my fascination with Twilight, people. This is life changing! Sadie has so many different tips on using toys alone or with your partner. Some of my best ideas have come from this book. It's small and full of great illustrations! You can pick it up at Amazon.com.

So... for those of you who like things in a neat little package (and I know you're out there)

Ease of Use:
5/5

Durability:
5/5

'O' Factor:
5/5

Price:
4/5

That gives our little Toy a 19/20... Not too shabby! Even if you're not usually a clitorally stimulated kind of person I would recommend this along with your usual play just to spice things up a bit.

So... go out there... have some fun...

And be safe!

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Well hey there... Ms. Salti here, and I bet you're wondering what the hell I'm doing over here today.

I need to give y'all a little back story as to why I'm co-blogging with the Mistress. A little while back we decided to start doing toy reviews. After discussing our strategy we hit a few roadblocks. First, we don't own all the same toys. Second, we're not going to be sharing our toys. Third, how would we go about doing our posts/reviews? We deliberated for a bit and decided to do all the posts over here on her blog. We also decided to take turns doing reviews and then weigh in on the other's product of the week. So, that's what I'm doing here today... I'm gonna give you my two cents...

This isn't the exact one I got, but I wanted to show you what the caps look like!

Auri has gone on and on about her favorite little go-to, orgasm creator, and being the curious girl I am, I went and bought one for myself. I knew it wasn't exactly the same one, but it was close. I got it home and tried all the different caps that came with it... you know, the ones Auri described above. But sadly, I can't say it did much for me. I may be able to orgasm on a dime (hmmm... that creates an interesting visual) but I'm a girl that needs a bit more stimulation (i.e., more than one small area being stimulated).

I really gave it a valiant effort, I promise. I just couldn't make it work. I guess I should have read the book Auri has. Maybe she'll let me borrow it (hint, hint). So guess what I did with the little pleasure-maker? I threw it away. No sense keeping something I wasn't going to use, right? And I sure as hell couldn't sell it on eBay.

So there you have my opinion on Auri's favorite toy. Stay tuned next week for the review of my favorite toy. If you have any questions in the meantime, you know where to find us!

Until then...

All our love,

A Good Old Fashioned Lovestory

Instead of Sponge Bob the other morning I opted for one of my old favorites. Bas Luhrmann's adaptation of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I used to watch that movie several times a week before I had kids but haven't watched it in some time for whatever reason...
guess I've been busy...
Anyway... they loved it. The imagery. The story. Everything.
They were constantly asking me why things were happening and what the characters meant by what they said (even in high school old English can be a little tricky to navigate and they're only 2,4 and 7). I was surprised how quickly they caught on.

I'm sure my parents would argue that it's a fairly violent version of Romeo and Juliet to introduce the kids to but I'd like to hear someone argue that it was a non-violent story!
Not the point of this post however...
The point was to find out what your favorite versions of the tale have been over the years?

Perhaps a play you saw? I'd love to hear about it.

Franco Zeffirelli's movie was the first version I saw as I'm sure is the case for most of you. I think it was after I moved to Salt Lake after living in Hollywood (mid 8th grade). The teacher was very nervous because we saw the actors ass. Oh no. I just though it was cool that they would show that in Utah. I was sure they would be so uptight compared to what I was used to... but I guess I was being a little judgmental (very rude, I know, I repented later that night).
I loved it then but it's been so many years since I've seen it. I actually have it on vinyl... I should pull it out and listen to the soundtrack. I remember it was amazing.

I think we also saw the Los Angeles Ballet perform it when I was younger. Although this is not a picture from that performance I would also love to hear if you enjoyed the ballet version of it more than the others and why.

The story has evolved for me over the years which is why I enjoy it so much. Each stage in life it seems as though you understand the characters in different ways and you begin to identify with various people from the story. Of course I'm sure I will always feel that surge of passion as they are falling in love because that's just the genius behind the writing... but I think you understand what I'm getting at.

Baz Luhrmann made Shakespeare accessible to everyone though and that is something not easily done. That's something that every English teacher, actor, director, ballerina, and joe schmoe has been trying to accomplish for a very long time now. I think I'm also biased because I happen to love every movie he's ever directed (yes, Strictly Ballroom too).

So... Romeo and Juliet. Watch it. Listen to it. Read it.



A little culture won't kill you.
(and if it does I don't know what to tell you... I'm sorry... that definitely wasn't my intent)

Are You In A Healthy Relationship With Your Toy?

Sitting at dinner last night there was a group of 6 of us girls. At one point in the conversation it became apparent to me that some of the girls may not be in the right, how shall we put it, 'relationship' with their sexual toys. "What can I do" I said to myself as I carefully picked my jaw up out of my tortilla soup and wiped it off with my paper napkin. This is an outrage that so many of my close friends are in bad or less than ideal relationship with their toys!

So I've come up with a little quiz for you all to take in the privacy of your (insert private area of your choosing here). I have not googled this idea. Although I'm sure with all the smutty magazines out there someone has done this before... I figured if I don't read their ideas I can't be accused of plagiarizing... right?!

May I remind you... as with any quiz... you get out of this what you put in to it. No use in lying. The only person you're cheating here is yourself (and all of that other mumbo jumbo). And if my advice turns out to be rubbish in the end... tough shit... you're reading this for entertainment purposes only... right? Okay... if you're reading this for advice then take it with a grain of salt... just like any other unsolicited advice in life.

Let's Begin, Shall We?

1. Does your hand go numb while/after using your toy?


2. Do you have to change the batteries more than 2 times a week (geesh, even twice is a lot kids!)?

3. Does it make a noise akin to your (insert large motorized device such as lawnmower, tiller, weed whacker, or generator here) ?

4. Are you still wondering what all the fuss is over toys (battery or non-battery operated)?

5. Do you have to wear the brace your doctor gave you while using your toy even though your wrist has been healed for over 15 years now?

6. Are your thoughts occasionally wandering towards the 'silver bullet' that you saw at your local toy store?


7. Does it take you longer to reach orgasm (if you need to look this word up maybe we should speak privately before you finish this quiz) with your toy than when you first bought it?

8. Do you have to change positions more than 3 times while using your toy by yourself?

9. Do you achieve only 1 orgasm while using your toy, and not by choice (yes I said only)?

10. Have you thought about shower time as being your 'play time' in the last several months or ever?

11. Do you frequently find yourself giggling during/after using your toy?

12. Have you ever looked at your toy and said/thought "you are a bad, bad toy and I like it." ?


13. During conversations with people about toys do you find yourself thinking how much better your toy has got to be than everyone else at the table?

14. Does the cost of batteries to operate your toy still allow you to buy necessary provisions such as food, gas, baby food?

15. Have you ever found yourself saying "OHMYGODYESOHSHITDEEPERYESGODFUCKME!" ?

Okay kids... are we ready?

If you answered yes to questions 1-5:

1. a)Perhaps you should be worried that the thing is putting off so much voltage that you are permanently damaging your soft tissue.
b) If it's really taking you that long that your hand is going numb you're matched up with the wrong toy... experiment. There's more than one toy at the store.
2. a) Hello people!? Maybe it has a short? You could be in serious jeopardy of being electrocuted while twiddling the twat and then where would that leave you? Laughed at in the ER... that's where.
b) I'm not judging... I know a lot of you are without partner... but if you're changing batteries that often maybe it's time time to invest in some rechargables... save the planet... find another hobby... but I'm glad the toy is doing it for you
3. Stay where you are... the authorities will be arriving shortly to confiscate your toy and return it to the military base from whence it came (yes Mr. C, we're talking to you). Seriously... get rid of it. Welcome to the technological age...
4. Whatever toy you have that has left you feeling like that is not for you... (or you aren't being honest with yourself and haven't even removed it from the package, which I realize might be the case). If it's not doing the trick (no matter how much your obnoxious friend says it's the best) ditch it and find out what works for you the old fashioned way before you spend money!
5. Again... ditch the bitch. Carpal tunnel isn't worth it and costs way more to fix than going out and buying a new toy that does the job in less time with less pain! Don't be cheap!! This is your happiness we're talking about here!

Questions 6-10:

6. It's natural to get tired of your old faithful... doesn't mean you're in a 'bad' relationship... just try switching off now and then with something new. And please don't apply this advice to the love life... I don't want to be sued for your marital problems!!
7. You'd be surprised what happens to your favorite toy when the batteries start to run low. Have you been naughty and not taken them out between uses? Have you not changed them in a while? Try it... you might just be 're-awakened'. Seriously, think Hallelujah Chorus.
8. Are you catching a theme here? If you're losing focus you're probably getting bored with your toy. No biggie... bodies change over time. Figure out what's turning you on these days. Don't be afraid to try something new. Otherwise don't bitch and moan that the same old thing isn't working for ya anymore!
9. Maybe you've been a 'batteries not included' kind of player for a while? Could be time to switch over to the world of the BOBs... Battery Operated Boyfriends. Can we say hello to multiples, continuous orgasms, and things they haven't found good names for yet?
10. "But Auri, can my toy go in the shower?" Good question... if it's a dildo (without batteries) then yes... if it's a vibrator (with batteries) then you need to make sure when you buy it that it's water proof. And can we just say detachable showerhead?! Wow...

Questions 11-15: (are you still with me?)

11. If you made it this far and you are now answering yes to questions 11-15...
CONGRATULATIONS!!
You apparently have a lovely relationship with your toy! As the famous Mr. Gorilla Bananas reminded me... when you're in a relationship it's important to remind your SO that your favorite toy won't get in between the two of you (too often) so as to not create too much jealousy. Take it from me... very important! Just because you have a great relationship with your toy now don't forget to reevaluate if things should start to change between the two of you.

Good luck!
Mistress A