Dear Hairy Gorilla (i.e. God of Sexual Fantasies around the world),

Dear Gorilla Bananas,
So you would like to know if I've ever had a sexual fantasy about an ostrich egg. Well, funny you should ask...

Last night as I was lying in bed, tangled up in my rich Egyptian cotton sheets, I found myself trapped between this odd dreamland and a strange sense of reality. As the focus began to shift from the wall to my long eyelashes I doubted whether they were eyelashes at all. Vines maybe? Palm fronds. Yes, that's it! The ambient light grew more diffuse and I awoke to my new jungle home. The air was uncomfortably humid. Just as it should be in the jungles of the Congo. Anyone who tells you that the air in the jungle is lovely and 'balmy' is feeding you a line and should be strung up. But I can feel my skin plumping up and my curls springing to life.

My thatched hammock is soft and gently swaying with the sound of the birds in the canopy and as I turn over I realize I am not alone. Nor am I clothed. How I came to be in the presence of a stranger without my clothes is a mystery to me. But why get my nonexistent panties in a wad, right? The stranger was a large male silver back gorilla. He seemed to be speaking in my head because I don't remember his lips moving. He instantly put my mind at ease and slipped me into his arms. He began running a rather large ostrich egg down my forehead and around my cheeks. His warm hairy chest vibrated underneath me with the ebb and flow of his breath. As the smooth egg found its way down between by breasts and nestled softly on my stomach I heard the thought in my head,

"The kitchen's just through there and the other females are about to get up so you better get a move on woman!"

Some dream! Hmph! I realized I wasn't asleep. My kids had brought the eggs in and put them on my stomach in bed. Time to get up sleeping beauty.

Much love my Hairy Gorilla,
Mistress A

Dear Mia,

Dear Mia,
First of all, so good to see your name pop up again! I've missed your playful banter! Now to get down to why we're all here... your question "If you only had 48 hours to live, what would you do and whom with?"

The 'whom' is easy for me. My husband, children, a few close friends that are considered part of the family, and any of my immediate family that could get here in the next day or so. Family and friends have always been my priority. Well, almost always =) I'm not a saint! But if I only had two days left with them I'd want to take in as much of them as I could.

The 'what' is a little more complicated. I would guess that's probably the case for most of us, isn't it?! If money were no object I would love to take off with them all to some private island. Some place in the Caribbean. Blue waters, lush jungle, warm water... aaaah, heaven! We'd be able to sit around and talk... laugh while sharing stories, maybe open up about things that have always been taboo. Then there would be time to just play! Nothing like a good day of playing to lighten your heart. Since this is a private island I'm assuming there would be a great chef present... what's a wish if it can't be complete with good food?!

I would hope that I could leave them with the belief that I had few regrets in this life. It's funny you ask this because I've been watching the entire box set of Six Feet Under these past few days and so I've been think a lot of death and finality lately and I think that there's no perfect answer to all of this. No 'right' way to look at it. But I think that if I weren't able to do those things I've listed above hopefully I'm living my life now in a way that would be a good reflection of who I am long after I'm gone.

Thanks for the question Mia!
Mistress Auri

For Sale:One Husband (I make good price for you)

Disclaimer: Read this in a Russian accent.

For Sale. One Husband. Issa not so good around da house. Mmm, very good lover. Make a good baby, or three. Not very good at mowing the lawn in straight line. Is good interior design, not so good around the house. He vill put da clothes on da floor for ju but not in za basket. Like a good man should. He donna eat much so he no cost ju so much monies. But he shmokes a lot of the herbal cigarettes. He donna like feet in bed so he sleep on the couch leaving da bed for you, you lucky girl. Oh, and he use the same towel for a month so that's something, right? Oh, and he donna like the pooch, so no pooch please. You wanna the husband, please call me ASAP.

Thank you for your time.
Helga