Good lord it's hot outside

Oy Vey,
Did I spell that correctly? Let's hope so lest I piss someone off. Life is just about too crazy to try and sum up these days. Yes folks, the mistress is having one hell of a shit storm. But that's what life is right? Right!

So, not going to cry about it at the moment. Just going to sit here and blog about this and that. Like the fact that this idiotic tab key is refusing to cooperate unless I pound the ever-living-love out of it. It's like it wants to be beaten. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If you're a PERSON. But this is an expensive piece of equipment and I prefer not to beat it into submission. Catch my drift?

The garden is at least twice the size of last year. And you know how my attention wained last year round this time. Well... the garden is my happy place. I wander around the veggies and the fruit and I train the tender vines and somehow life has order and all is right in the world. And for a couple of hours each day I can breath and be calm. It's some pretty therapeutic shit... I'm telling you. Don't have time for therapy? Get yourself a garden. Unless of course you hate getting dirty, can't stand bugs, or have issues with prickly things. Then you'd pretty much suck at the whole gardening thing.

The baby business is going. We have our busy days as this is definitely our busy time of year. But we are a business after all and somehow beautiful things always have to be turned into businesses. Can you understand what I'm saying here? Let's just say that some days my work haven stresses me out to no end. But... I guess the rest of you are rolling your eyes and patting me on the back... telling me to join the club. No more bitching... it wears me out;)

My little monkey butts are getting so big! Taryn just had her 4th birthday! Can you believe it? My youngest is 4! My oldest will be in 3rd grade this year and my middle guy will be in kindergarten. Kind of crazy to see how quickly they're all coming in to their own. It's very rewarding these days. I've started writing down some of the more insane things that come out of their mouths... for example "No testicles for dinner tonight"... that's one of my personal favorites. As if we've every had testicles for dinner! Now liver, hearts, and giblets are one thing... but TESTICLES... that's just cruel;)

For those of you who keep up with miss Salti's blog she's better about writing about my life and the kids than I am. Then again that pretty much sums up our entire life/friendship together=) It's a handy thing.

Alright then you crazy beautiful people. Be good to each other. I know you won't do it because you misbehave constantly but before you go to bed I want to you think of 5 things you're thankful for.

If you feel inclined leave me a comment and let me know what they are=)
Auri

Random Shit For Your Entertainment

This picture is from the Muse/ Silver Sun Pickups concert that we went to last night. Oooh, so good!! I've been a fan of both for a little while now and I have to say I was blown away by the show!! If you get the chance to go... doooit!!

I don't watch the news... and no, it's not because I'm an ignorant American... it's because it's fucking sad as shit. Seriously. I get enough of the news from my hubby (History prof. in the making) and my facebook updates from Huffington Post. I was pretty saddened to hear of yet another mine explosion taking more lives needlessly. We made it to the moon... why in god's name can't we figure out how to live on some other type of energy economically? Why? Because of rich, balding bastards... that's why. And yes, that's my official stand.

Speaking of that... I decided to get back into yoga today. Damn it was fantastic! All that breathing, stretching, and that gorgeous lean, black, muscly instructor we had. All I could think about was his fantastic ass and killer shoulders. I mean, all I was thinking about was my inner chi and outer karma, and worldly dharma... In all seriousness though, I bought myself a pass and can't wait to start going back on a regular basis. It's nice that my kids are finally to the point where I don't feel guilty leaving my hubby alone with them to have a little 'me' time. Something that doesn't involve the consumption of large quantities of alcohol or food. My core feels great, my once too tight yoga pants are falling off of my ass (smile) and life is good.

I think it's time to get my old 35 mm camera out of the drawer that houses such things as a Bible/Book of Mormon, Thomas Guide of Los Angeles, and my high school panoramic picture. Seems at this point the only thing of much use to me is the camera. Sure the Thomas Guide might come in use someday... the other stuff... well, always good props when you know who comes a callin'. =) Damn I'm being horribly sacrilegious today. Oh shwell.

I have a new recipe I need to write up for you lovelies. Cajun Shrimp and Cappellini... yummy, yummy. Like all of my own recipes I'll have to try my best to be detailed with amounts... but that's not how I cook so I'm counting on you not to fuck it up -k-.

I wish I had a darkroom. You know, those dark rooms people used to go into for the purpose of developing film. My senior year of high school I was a photographer for the year book and had an advanced photography class. Much time was spent in small corners of dark rooms for me. And not just because I was getting groped and sucking face. I was actually being productive. Although I have to admit that I still have steamy dreams about that red light accentuating certain curves of naughty deeds=) If you've never had the pleasure to be in a darkroom developing your own pictures you know that it's a spiritual experience. Watching the magic of creating a picture occurring in your hands transforms the way you look at photographs. Perhaps that's why people like Ansel Adams have the ability to mesmerize me. I've never looked at one of his prints and wondered what it looks like in color. All the contrast I could ever want exists on that paper. Every detail, all the smooth subtlety of each crevice and bending tree. See... I'm wrapped up already.

Good gracious... it's 7:12 already! Apparently the snow has decided to take a break for a few because the sun is shining and it's time for me to get my kidlets ready for bed.

Hey, by the way, your mother called and says she wants her massager back. Looks like it's time to go out and buy one of your own=)

xoxo
Me

Easter Bunnies, Three Headed Beasts, and ME!

Taryn is currently running around singing "Girls have a vagina, like meeeee. And boys have a penis like Daddy and TT and Aidaaaaan." How am I supposed to think of anything to blog about when she's so freaking hilarious!? I ask you?

I know I promised pictures... but do you think I've gotten them developed yet... nope. Just say it... I know I'm a slacker. You'll be pleased to know that I have been taking them though=) That's got to count for something!
Tip #1 for attempting to restart your bloggy life: Don't try to write a post while your 3 children are awake and vying for your attention. Can you spell c-o-u-n-t-e-r-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-i-v-e? Well I can and it comes in the form of a three headed beast. One that hangs on your arm, the other that screams in your ear, and the third that's tearing apart your house while the other two attempt to drive you mad. I haven't lost my temper today. You should be proud.

So... what kind of food do you think I should serve at a toy party... pigs in a blanket, spotted dick, melons, or should I just stick to something a little less obvious like... Sushi! No? You're no fun I tell you! Fine... I'll keep it on the up and up... but only because you've made me!
Guess what I did today? (you're way off... stop while you're ahead)
#1... Started by taking the hubby to work with the kids (because we're a one car family and I had shit to do today). He's a ray of sunshine in the morning... let me tell ya! I figure I'm just lucky that he didn't start spouting fire from his nostrils in the car.
#2... Took said kids grocery shopping in their jammies because this is Utah and we're cool with things like that (thank god)


#3... Got the little hellraisers ready and took them BACK to dad's work for the Easter Egg hunt... because as my friend Sara says "The Easter Bunny comes on Saturday so Jesus can come on Sunday"... I don't know why but that little saying makes me want to laugh hysterically. They had lots of fun... got a shitload of candy which is already gone... and are now all bouncing around the house complaining that their stomachs hurt=( Oh the rough life...

#4... Began a whole tray of peat moss seed starters which I planted with fine grade pot. (no not really) I actually planted spearmint and if you've ever planted spearmint you'll know that I'm not lying when I tell you I had to plant the seeds with a pair of tweezers. I'm a little surprised how focused I was considering I worked last night and still hadn't slept at this point. I'll be sure to take pics of my little lovelies... (which you'll probably never see unless I get my ass moving and develop some damn film!)

#5... Took a delightful nap with daughter Taryn. Or at least I slept... remember that three headed beast... the one that tears your house down around you?... pretty sure that was her while I was sleeping. My children are devious and lovely all in the same breath. Wherever do they get it?

#6... Sat myself down here at ye' ole' laptop to write to all of you.

So there.
Time to make some dinner... wanna come over? I'll wear my cute green flowery apron and I promise to find something to do with the spatula.

Yours Always,
Mistress A

Who Me? Couldn't Be! Then Who?

Although grammatically incorrect, the title of this post is catchy... no?

I was sitting at work the other night engaging in some lovely conversation with my fellow naughty nurses at ye ole nursing station and someone (they shall remain unnamed) mentions my alter-ego... Mistress Auri.

I think my 'Work Auri' / 'Mistress Auri' lines are blurring slightly. Okay, a lot. I think I'm getting quite the reputation at work for being the 'it' girl when it comes to matters of the... well, ya know.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this... I think it's great! But you have to imagine me sitting there giving advice on how to spruce up one's sex life to my 50 year old nursing friend who has always considered sex as nothing more than a tool for procreation (that's making babies for those of you who didn't do so well on your SAT's).

I couldn't tell if she was just trying to get me to say something trashy or if she really wanted advice at first. Then half way through I get the feeling that she's actually listening to me and all of a sudden I'm thinking "OH MY GOD... I've got to give this woman some real advice here... no pussyfooting around about it... that would defile my good name!" So there I am... 4 something in the wee small hours of the morning (because that's all we do as night nurses... sit around and talk about sex) going through the ABC's of Mistress Auri's How To Have a Better Sex Life (yours for only $49.95)... and amusing the hell out of everyone, I'm sure.

Hey... sex is important people! If you don't think it is then I want you to do something for me. Go get in your car, get on a plane, on the tube, and go to your mother's house. Ring her doorbell (or knock). Kiss her on the cheek to say hello (because we mustn't be rude) and then promptly slap her across the face and shit on her door mat. Yup. I said it.

SHIT ON YOUR MOTHER'S DOOR MAT.

Because if you say that sex is unimportant you are saying that you think your mother is an idiot for having birthed you. (And if you can't follow my logic I'm sorry... I jump from A to Q often round these parts... )

Now you don't want to shit on sweet old mum's door mat do you? Of course you don't because you're a good little blogger (I mean person) and you know that even though you and dear mum have had your differences, ultimately she's probably a pretty good woman with some pretty good points and really you do love her.

That is unless your mom sucks... and then I'm sorry. We can't have it all can we?

I'm off point.

My point... aaaah, yes. I'm going to try not to be such a prude at work when it comes to talking about sex. Why should there be such a line between Work Auri and Mistress Auri? It's not like I have to talk to all of my patients about vibrators... I just don't need to get flustered when people mention my blog at work.

Alright then... maybe just a little prude? No? You guys are real sticklers, you know that!

But I love you...

Mistress A

I gave in...

Hello my loves. No... I didn't give in and cut my hair. I love cutting my hair, that part was easy! I gave in and joined Face Book... ya, ya... you're all wondering what the big fucking deal is? Well, the big fucking deal is that now I've got one more way of trying to stay connected with all you people. It's pretty fun... I have to admit... I'm a little addicted to the crack they call Farm Ville. The girls at work got me hooked. Wasn't my fault. Talk to them. I'm weak. Blah, blah, blah.

So... crazy weather around these parts lately. One minute I've got the AC pumping and the next I've got my new Mountain Hard Wear fleece zipped up to my chin (yes I'm name dropping and totally bragging but it was a bday present and I'm allowed to brag now and then). Welcome to the land of the Great Salty Lake.

And yes... I use foul language on occasion. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and I put a warning on it. This is not a journal I'm keeping for my kids... this is for me (and you too baby... of course!)

So... I feel like a neglectful Mistress. But that's part of the game is it not?! You've all been very, very naughty monkeys and I'm punishing you! (I must be careful... it's very easy to enjoy the power trip a little too much and get lost in character).

Did I mention I miss Miss Salti? Well, I do. I might cry. She's gone from Monday to Friday every damn week and all I get are the weekends which of course she shares with everyone else (and herself). Where is she you ask? I'm sure she blogs about it... go read her.

So. I have no more Sookie books to read (ya, I'm a huge nerd and read them all in about 2 weeks)... no more True Blood to watch until next season... no new Twilight to read or watch...

WTF people!!?

I'm having withdrawals. Could you tell? No?
Then you are an idiot and it's time you were punished;)
(see how easy that is... you must try it sometime... very fun).

Okay. I'm just apparently rambling. I worked last night and got a two hour nap today. I've been setting up my Face book account and playing farm ville with the kids all day along while attempting to maintain my cool, keep them fed, dressed, and in the proximity of my property. I think I've had about all I can handle today. I could maybe handle a good stiff...

Oh well you know;)

till next time...

Mistress A

What have I been doing?

We took the kids camping last week up to the Uintahs. We planned to be gone for 4 days but ended up coming back after 2. Seems like it was a bit lofty of a goal to take 3 kids camping that long on their first trip. Maybe more so for us than them?

Ms. Salti and I hung out the other night and watched a little So You Think You Can Dance. Of course there were tears involved. She was kind enough to paint my toes...


The kids and I have been visiting the hubby at work on the weekends here and there and occasionally he'll take us for rides on the golf cart... here's Tristan's face behind my new blinged out, way too pink toes, while we're riding on the cart.

This little garden of mine takes a good bit of time every day... just depending on how much damage the kids, wind, or weeds have evoked upon on it. I love working in the garden. It seems criminal to call it work. My favorite thing lately has been tomato and cucumber salad... mmmm. In this pic I paired that with the yellow squash fritters (or latkes) I made. Very tasty, despite what Alex from Cooking for Assholes says.


My basement is getting closer to done every day. The painter says he's priming tomorrow (we'll see) so that means only another 5 months (okay, maybe a week) and the painting should be done. Then the floorboards and carpet get laid. I just said get laid. I'm so clever.

You're lucky, that's about as much of a sense of humor as I've had all week. Now you see why I've been MIA.

My dad finished moving out today. That's been pretty rough. I don't really feel this is the place to go into it. But suffice it to say... between that and having my period I'm just not my usual exciting self today.

Sorry folks.

Maybe later;)

GOOD NEWS ON THE SPATULA CONTEST!!
I have chosen a winner!! I will announce the winner in my next post and will be sending their special spatula within the week! Who could it be??
Stay tuned to find out!!

Toe Bling, Entourage, and What's Next...

I've been enjoying the outdoors lately so I've just been playing catch up today on your lovely blogs. You all are a funny bunch of characters! Ms. Salti and I have been going way overboard on the toe bling lately. No, this is not black... it's some deep dark plum color (I'm bad with the clever names OPI uses... ask her what it is) that I can't stop wearing. I love it. That's Season 5 of Entourage in the background of the very out of focus picture there. I've never watched the show on TV because we don't have HBO but Erica always provides the DVDs for me. This was a record... I watched season 5 in 3 days... remember I have a life? I love that show. Too fucking funny. If you haven't watched it and you enjoy good writing, naughty humor, and a little Hollywood drama... it's a good one to check out.

So... what to expect from Mistress Auri...

#1 Ms. Salti and Mistress Auri write toy reviews...
We are going to review what we have (which is a lot)... if you'd like to donate to the collection we are taking new (that's never before used, gifted in the original packaging) toys that you would like our opinion on because you are leery of trying them yourself. If you don't want to gift them to us because you are cheap you might ask nicely and we may purchase them because we are curious ourselves... but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. =)

#2 The First Ever Mistress Auri - Spatula Giveaway!!

That's right... I started out as Mistress Spatula and in an upcoming post you'll learn how one lucky reader will win my original pink spatula! Oh believe me... you'll have to work for it...

# 3 My very first harvest from the very first veggie garden in our very first house!!
I know, you can hardly contain your excitement. Well, I can't and it's my blog so that's really all that matters. Sorry, feisty today. I'm blaming it on the hormones. All of my patients do so why can't I? I'll be sure to take pics of the little lovelies and write all about them.

More to come... =)

My Rainy Day Afternoon

I generally wake up in the morning and feel ready for the day. I'm not an annoying morning person by any means but I have a good outlook on life. This morning it was stormy and cool. Strange for the middle of June in Salt Lake. Woke up to having my Babinski reflex tested by the hubby which is maybe my second least favorite thing next to having my cervix scraped at the doctor's office. My hormones are playing battle with my emotions and so my morning cup of coffee seems even more a necessity than usual today. All I felt like doing was curling up on the couch and being surrounded by little warm bodies. I had this strange need to find out what was going on in blog land as well. Not something I've been used to up until a couple of weeks ago. I've actually started caring about the people I follow and what's happening in their lives. People I know nothing about other than what they decide to share online. For all I know they're full of shit. I guess that's fine. Entertainment right?
My dad came in and offered to make coffee. He'd been out late the night before at a bachelorette party for a good friend getting married this month. He seemed just as much in need of coffee as I was. Bless him. I was sure there were messages on my phone as I had not looked at it since the afternoon before but I wasn't quite ready to interact with the world. My social skills hadn't woken up yet and I'm always worried that if I speak to anyone before 'nice Auri' is awake I might actually hurt the people I care about. I guess I'm feeling dark today. You couldn't tell could you? I'm so cryptic aren't I?
Strangely enough I feel very patient with my kids today. The weather leaves me in a cocoon. I want to read. I want to be touched, have my hair fondled, my back tickled. I don't want to have to yell at anyone for leaving the water on in the back yard or making the other bleed. I just want to be still today.
All the windows in the house are open and the breeze is only barely chilly. The catalpa tree out back is shedding the last of its fragrant white blossoms on the overgrown lawn leaving a white soggy carpet from the morning's rain. The ivy is growing over the window and swaying gently. The sky is still grey but off in the distance it is growing black. The mountains are covered by the pending storm and there are fewer cars on our busy street than normal.
I think I'll take advantage while the little one is down for a nap. Shed my heavy clothes and jump in a warm shower. Perhaps if I'm lucky my neighbor's blinds will still be closed and I can leave the blinds in the shower open so I can watch the rain as the water washes over my neck and shoulders.
I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing today you are finding a little bit of sanctuary and peace in your crazy lives. I enjoyed getting all caught up on those lives this morning=)

Much love,
Mistress Auri