A letter to my Migraine

Dear Migraine,
I realize we haven't been acquainted as long as some of your other victims but you've been around long enough. You fucking suck. What's really awful is that somehow you've lead people to believe that you're just a headache so that if they've never had one they can't possibly understand why I feel like taking a nice long sleep at the bottom of the ocean. I can no longer see a reason for the sun as it seems too bright even in the middle of the night as it resides on the other side of the earth. I bet the neighbors think I have taken to shooting up Heroin now that I (how does the song go) "wear my sunglasses at night." Not only that, but I'm now on the LA anorexic diet... oh yes, tres chic. Thanks for that. Well you know, food just never tastes as good when you're constantly feeling like it's on its way back up.
Did I mention I have kids? They're not the quiet type either. The kind that just sit around unfed, un-entertained, and unloved until you go away. Kind of a distraction when you're around. Or should I say, I'd rather be able to enjoy my kids than lay curled up in a ball rocking back and forth while you dig your acid fingers into my brain.
So, in other words, you're unwanted. You may leave and never return. You can go fuck yourself. You can suck on a rock. You can sit and spin. You can read between the lines. You can kiss my ass. You can eat shit, lick my balls, and suck my big hairy right toe.
I'm done with this relationship.
Yours no longer,
Auri

The Amazing, Tantalizing, Infuriating, Liberating, Vibrating, Flying Dildo... (as promised)

Okay... so I'm just warning you before you start this one... this is a true 'Mistress Auri' type of post. You'll be hearing lots of grown up words (as we call them in our house) and experiencing a very personal story from yours truly.

Duh.

Now that that's out of the way!
LET'S GET ON WITH THE GOOD SHIT!

You need a little history to appreciate my husband and I in the bedroom. We have a great sex life. My interests have changed over the years as far as foreplay are concerned but I've always remained open with him and communicated what I've needed
You should be impressed...

So... the only time I like him using his fingers for a little pre game warm up are when a) I'm drunk or b) I'm already warmed up. He knows this!

So... I wake up to him asking me to take the oldest to school because he's tired (and I'm not apparently)... okay fine... I'll be good because I want sex.
I come home and he's still sleeping (although in his defense he has folded a load of laundry in my absence...good man).

I climb into bed and the two youngest come down and knock on the door because they're hungry (I am slowly getting less and less interested in sex)

I get up from bed and figure I'll give them food... after all, that will buy us and extra 10 minutes and that means we may get to start of with a little oral sex for me... which is a fab way to start off the morning! (but again... why haven't they eaten in my absence? another unanswered question.)

Kids fed... but then my annoying female brain notices that the washing machine isn't going (I know... believe me... I'm annoying myself by now) and I start to get a little irritated that hubby didn't throw a load in when he took the other load out... because...

DUH...

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE!

on to the dildo part...

I get back into bed... slip out of the robe. He's out of his clothes now too and what does he do?! He sticks his hand right between my legs! SORRY! I'm just not a light switch... I have more than two functions!

So I pull away a bit and he gets pissed off. He asks what I want (so thoughtful of him!)... to which I gracefully reply with the tone of a trucker in heat...
"get on top of me"

Well apparently that's when the shit hit the fan folks! Because at that moment... He jumped up out of bed and stormed off into the closet.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sitting there naked contemplating what just happened...
out of nowhere...

a large, flesh colored, veiny, supple, dildo comes flying out of the walk-in closet towards me on the bed narrowly missing my head as my husband is exclaiming
"Here! Use this! It's obvious you just want a dick to rub up against anyway!"

Well excuse the flying (dildo) fuck out of me!! I gathered the sheets up around me... slightly amused (thought I'd never admit that to him), horrified, pissed beyond recognition, and grabbed the very perfect (yes ladies... very perfect) dildo firmly in my right hand, gripped tightly and screamed and the top of my lungs... "That was rude! Don't you ever fucking do that again!" And with an extra squeeze to my good buddy whom I don't normally throw anywhere... I tossed that sonofabitch back into the closet with the intention of seriously maiming anyone/thing that it came in contact with. I'm sure that I'll be getting a call from the fast pitch coach any day now... they had to have heard that pitch at least 50 miles away.

Well... what came after is neither very exciting... nor really any of your business...
(yet somehow that all was... )
Suffice it to say that I am sitting here with my fab hubby writing this and I told him that I would be.
He though it was a lovely idea...

To bring the story back around. I went back in the closet later that day to collect my large friend and put him back in his house... couldn't find him. Didn't feel like asking hubby where he was yet. Oh well... I'd find him someday (or someone would...)

YAH...

YESTERDAY!
Sitting there folding laundry on the bed with the entire family... my middle guy, Aidan, comes walking up to the bed from the closet holding what?

OH LORD... NO... PLEASE...

Yes... just when you thought the story couldn't get any worse. He found it. He was swinging it around. He's like "what's this guys"... with a completely straight face my hub was like "it's a fake penis... what's it look like."

Now he won't stop asking about the thing. I paid $70 god damned for that thing and now after one awful week of bad luck with it I don't think I'll touch it again...

I need a nap

And maybe some Xanax

Just a little of this and a little of that

I woke up the other morning to another soggy carpet. I know... this time I just laughed and thought "okay... what this time." It was the sump pump that keeps the ground water from flooding our basement. And apparently after asking it to run consistently for almost two months now it decided to blow a seal and go kaput... yes, that's the technical term for what happened to it. Just in case you were curious.
So...
Yours truly went to Home Depot to return the one that dear hubby had purchased earlier to get a smaller and more expensive one that would replace the dearly departed pump. One more trip to HD later and I had the pump ready to go. Thought I had tightened everything that hubby had loosened when he took the old pump off... thought... anyway, plug the new beauty in and a couple of seconds later gallons of oily water are spraying all over the laundry room. All over me.
Freaking awesome.
I'm silently screaming in my head.
I'm not going to kill anyone.
I will survive... (channeling a higher power)
Okay... unplug the pump, clean up the GD effing laundry for the 5,000th time this month and tighten all the screws I can find. Try again.
SUCCESS!
So there you go... $200 later and another life story and I have a working sump pump to keep my basement from flooding. Life is restored for another 5 minutes.

No word yet from the radiologist about Taryn's arm... hopefully today...
Gotta go... kids are occupied and hubby calls=)
WOOHOO!!
xoxo

and just in case you're wondering...no, I've never had my undies fall down... on accident;) tee hee hee

Don't even know how to label this one

I have to say I've not been a fan of TV lately... even the shows I couldn't live without just a short time ago I've kind of just forgotten about. So today I sat down and started flipping through channels and the only thing on was Ellen. I love Ellen. She's hot, funny, smart... I'm totally jealous of Portia (they're still married, right?!)... anyway... just thought I'd throw that in there. Love ya Ellen.

As you have probably gathered from Miss Salti... it's rainin' here in the land of the Salty lake. Yep... A LOT! Thank Jebus I have a sump pump down stairs. You ask yourself "what's a sump pump?"... well my love... a sump pump is this lovely thing that sucks water up from where it shouldn't be and puts it where you want it. In my case the ground water is really high where we live. So the people before us dug out a place in the basement (a bit more advanced than that ) and it pumps the water out to the street so our basement doesn't flood. Very nice!
Anyway... I love the rain. Doesn't do much for my motivation. Granted my kids don't do a whole lot for the motivation! I think their main goals in life are to make the biggest messes possible and to break as many things as they can in under 30 seconds. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating.
Oh yah... and did I mention that even though I love the rain it's made utterly impossible for my carpet to dry out from the grey water flood we had... yah... which brings me to my next picture...

This would definitely be the coolest place for a cat to take a potty break. I would fix my cat a steak dinner every night if it learned how to do this. However. I had a cat that I cherished as one of my own children since junior year in high school... yah folks, that was back in 96-97. And just last year he gets old (or upset, can't be sure which) and decides to start peeing EVERYWHERE! Everywhere there's carpet that is. Upstairs in the boys room. Downstairs in Taryn's room, downstairs in my closet, in the closet under the stairs... yada, yada, yada.

Scuff is no longer around... and don't even get me started or I won't be able to stop crying for a month... but we were just starting to get rid of the smell of pee before this flood happened... so what does that mean? It means the smell has returned with a vengeance! AAAAAAAAAHH!! And now in addition to that smell there's also that smell of wet carpet. I feel like I'm stuck in some strange rerun of the twilight zone... quick... someone rescue me.
Okay... I need to stop boobing... but it's been crazy.
So, yah. Hope you all have had a lovely week. Hahaha... Or at least one not filled with the smell of mildew and cat pee!

I love my Burt's

I love my Burt's Bees. That fabulous familiar tingle on my lips that tells me nothing but all natural loveliness is starting to soothe my aching lips. Well, apparently my little demons love it too... but they have different plans for my Burt's... I have gone through no less than
6
Yes, 6, in the last year alone. Have I finished any of those? No! Because they've eaten them all! And what does a mama bear do when she's threatened...

Yes, I've growled... A LOT... I thought I finally had one that I was keeping pretty good tabs on.
UNTIL TODAY! Good Lord people! I was just tucking them in and the littlest thief grabs it out of my pocket and voila... half an hour later a half eaten stick is returned to me. So, now instead of growling... I resort to tantrum blogging...
Thanks for indulging me.